Verbal attack of NT's - WHY?

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I like to make contact with people, I like to talk to them – I kindda like to talk a lot , I know even how to listen to them and to talk on their topics that are not interesting for me. I am very carefully not to say anything wrong, not to hurt.
But sometimes I am feeling so enthusiastic in what I’m saying, so my filters are dropping one by one and then I just open my head and I put everything on the table, not thinking if something that I’m saying can be attacked or not. And then they respond. And they hurt me in ways I would never hurt someone. What am I doing wrong?? I am paying attention to be polite. I really do not say things that may hurt. I’ve been told that sometimes the tone of my voice is too harsh, but they attack in words, they laugh of me, they say things meant to hurt.
I also noticed that when I talk too polite to some people in shops or at desks, they are impolite to me. Do I look like an easy target? Is this an animal instinct of supremacy? I really don’t get it. HELP.
As defense I try to look cold and ironic. Or I make little jokes myself on other people. And then they respect me. But I manage this in very few cases.

Ok.. that seems contradictory.. being polite and an easy target, but then cold and ironic.. maybe people don't know how to react?
Like you don't know how to defend yourself verbally, but also kinda sarcastic and stuff, so not only an easy target, but they want to target you? I don't know.. the same thing happens to me a lot.

I can't quite picture what the behavior you're describing would look like, so I can't really tell.

You shouldn't drop such "filters", even NT have them. In my native language (Russian) there is a proverb, which can be approximately translated "Filter the talk!". You may also try to pay more attention on the emotions of other people during the chatting


Give an example, I'll try to analyse the situation


Sometimes voice tone is even more important than words.


I advice you to talk polite, but confident, clear and not too long. "Too polite" can be seen as weakness by some people.

Many AS have submissive temperaments (I don't). Some NT's seem to instinctively attack people with submissive personalities. It is sad, but what more can I say.



Exactly! Don't get angry, but rather learn to reply with a subtle jab yourself, and all will be much better.

Dude, aspies do this all the time. It's one of our trademark qualities. The reason we've become so submissive & filtered is because we're unacceptable to society just being ourselves. We've been cut down time & time again to the levels we're at now. NTs have filters too, but they need way fewer.

There was a good thread about telling bad jokes on here before. A study was done where people would tell a lousy joke to a group of people, & every time, the group would convey open signs of disapproval. It's something about the group mentality. A lot of subconscious approval seeking goes on between everyone, & you will be cut down for saying something odd.

Don't think there's a way around this. You're gunna need to keep those filters up. Maybe after enough practice, those filters become engrained in your mind so well you can ease up, but only after a long time.

Ouch! Keep those filters up as much as you can. Because what you describe here is called "putting your heart on your sleeve". When you put everything on the table (or your heart on your sleeve) it is inevitable that something you say somewhere in all that will set somebody in the group off on an attack. Try to save the oppening your head and putting everything out there for your closest friends only. You are making yourself too vulnerable and it's safe to be vulnerable only with those you know very well as people who won't attack you.

I just wanted to make a note on this part of your post. Some people are genuinely impolite, even those who work in positions where they have to deal with people all the time (and sometimes that type of job exhausts them mentally and causes them to be more impolite). I can't think of any situation where I've seen someone be impolite to a stranger because of such a personal reason as you suggest. They're just rude people that you're talking about, I'm thinking. If someone who works with the public is polite to you, they're probably polite to everybody, and vice versa. So if a stranger's rude to you when you've been courteous, try not to take it personally or think it's something you caused in some way. By my experience, they're most likely just a jerk.

maggiedoll, no, it is not contradictory. I don't have both behaviours at the same time. being less open and polite is a learned behaviour. my first instinct is to be too open and friendly.

curiouslearner, I somehow manage to get a lot more negative reactions from the people that work with public than my NT husband or my NT friends

as for the filters it is hard to keep them up all the times, especially when I feel well. can you?

alexey, I wanted to say that I never atack conciounsly other people's values even if they are far from my own. the tone of my voice I know I don't control 100%

wildgrape, maybe I emit submissive messages but I am far from being submissive. I have problems from this: sometimes NTs talk from up - down to me and I know I annoy them big times not accepting the place where they set me.

What you describe I used to do all the time. When I was in my 20's and 30's, I would say too much whenever I felt that people were being nice to me. The result? Married men hit on me, creepy guys would invite me to parties, make fun of me. I was clueless. I have book sense--lots of college degrees--but I WAS an easy target. I thought I was just being nice, but NT's must have seen me as too friendly. You have the self-awareness to ask people about this stuff. So it sounds to me like you will get better at this.

I can keep them up most of time, and I know, that neurotypicals have to do it too. Just don't go into monologue and think, how your words will be understood by another people. The talks will require more attention, but result will be better.


I understand this problem. Can you give an example of unconcious attack from your side? There is only one reliable protection: try to listen everything you say from viewpoint of other people. Another good protection is to observe emotional reaction of other people on your words: it may help you to understand, when it is time to stop and may be apologize. I know, that it is not easy, but it is possible.

I think you understand rather well what is going on. My own very bright AS son is the same. He doesn't feel submissive, but sends submissive signals. In my opinion, you must learn to reply without getting angry. Learn to put them in their place, and all will be well. The thing is, this doesn't come naturally to you.

I am NT, my 8 yr old son is AS. Over the years, i am 33, I have noticed that other people very easily take me the "wrong way"...I have learned, upon meeting new people, to let the know ahead of time, #1 not to take every thing i say seriousely, #2 That I am usually happy, I just look "pissed". #3 If I say something offensive....let me know...chances are I probably didnt mean it the way you took it; If you tell me about it I can explain and make sure not to make same mistake twice. #4 Don't always go by my tone of vioce or body language...usually it is not directed at you...just listen to my words...This has helped me with my interraction with friends, aquaintences, co-workers etc. As for the people at stores or restaurants...I agree with everyone else...some people are just "hateful" naturally...or had a horrible day...and chose very unwise ways to let it out...I tell myself that they are the one with the problem....and go on with my day....

Alexey, I don't think I have an issue by insulting verbally without knowing, I rather annoy by who I am. I am east european women, atipical for the east european average women: education, job. Some people are annoyed just by that (I think!) and then they try to find something wrong with me - bad mother, lousy housekeeper, this kind of things. They cannot make me feel low of myself, I just feel the pain on people being unfaire with me. An I make efforts to be nice with them, sometimes despite thier behaviour.

I have studied lately the patterns of bad social contacts: first I thought I was ok, the other had a problem. Then, as this is more likely to happen to me than other people I started to look at myself on my logic: I am impolite?(no) Do I say something wrong?(yes, I say too much) do I talk to much? (sure) Do I take things to serious and it hurts me more then it should?(yes!) and then I tried to find a pattern in people that usually attack (because not all of them do and there are people I meet the first time and I have great time with them). I think is somehow linked to their level of education, their agresivity in general. The thing is that these people would attack easily others as well, but not all of them.
I try to play in their rules sometimes, I pay attention to details that are important to them (for example I dress in known brand clothes when I go to a group that has a value on that), and yet is hard.

So I would like to understand the mechanism that determines their attack in the first place.

Another thing: would I look stupid to some of them? Sometimes they explain me things they have no idea about, annoyed that I have another point of view. If an NT says I am right, then I am right and that's it Are some of you taken as fools? Like wildgrape, I have high education and a job not many people can do.

Estimates predict that 1 in every 250 people are AS. With that said I don't think your the problem, the problem is usually with the 249 other people who are ignorant/unaccepting of people unlike themselves.

I've learned to deal with NTs (as well as a variety of different cultures and mentalities) but NTs seem to have trouble adjusting to different mentalities.

Example: 2 of my friends (David and Dylan) wasted a half hour trying to explain the rules of poker to a third friend with Aspergers (Dan). They explained the rules of the game in the "Normal" way. After I arrived I dropped my "Behavioral mask" and in a mono-tone expressionless 5 minutes explained how the game was played. Dan then went on to win 3 out of the 4 games we played that night.

Yes! My boss once explained a task to me 5 times, finally he asked "do you get what I'm saying?". I had understood what he was saying for the last 15 minutes, but just because some magical light-bulb didn't appear above my head he decided I was stupid (I was having a bad day, so I wasn't wearing the "behavioral mask" I usually do)

kaylek, saying that only the others have problems would be too easy and would not solve my social interaction problems. indeed I think thqt most of them are rude and agressive but I have to learn how to deal with them. right now I am having depressive moods because of social problems (or I am just having depressive moods that are accentuated because of social interaction)

my record of being taken as stupid was when some women I know wanted to wait for my husband to type a document "in computer". she knew I was IT graduate, she knew I worked in IT - as my husband (I am an analyst) but she just could not realise somehow I could also use the PC. so imagine from what kind of deep whole I have to climb in those people eyes, and how annoyed they are when I am argumentative with them. At work I don't have any kind of problems - I am known as being sharp and I learned to ask questions to understand quickly the problem.

As for monologues, I tend to think detail to main point whereas most people go from main point to detail, and they tend to communicate only the main point. So, I try to stick to the main point and leave out the details and examples, and I do much better. But like you, i tend to go on more when I feel comfortable around someone. Most of the time though, I'm comfortable for a good reason, so just apologizing for talking too much is usually enough.

I also tend to repeat myself...say the same thing in 10 million different ways. I still have to when dealing with certain people (like my mom, sister, husband, and best friend) because if I don't, they misunderstand me (mostly because they all started to filter my monologues for me, and they always seem to miss the point if it isn't long enough to be a monologue). I never noticed i did that before until here, and i was trained by my loved ones to be that way, so it's still something I'm trying to work on, but I try to keep it in the back of my mind always asking myself, "Did I already say that?"

What has helped me out a lot is this forum. I come on here to try to respond with main points as opposed to a bunch of details (sometimes I let myself go though, and sometimes I do when I can tell the person I'm talking to wants a bunch of details). It really is an art to decide what to say and what not to say. Sometimes, I will spend hours typing one paragraph (taking 13 paragraphs and editing it down to one). But it's a great exercise for me as the more I do that, the faster I get at editing and can do a lot of it in my head as I'm thinking what I want to say as opposed to after I say it. It really helps my verbal communication when I am not on the computer because I am still using the same mentality.

As far as rude people, some people are jerks and it doesn't matter what you do. With me, it's usually men suffering from Short Man Syndrome. You just have to kinda classify them in your head and choose to leave them alone and let everything they say about you slide off you. If someone is usually a nice person to get along with, and all the sudden they start being a jerk to you, then it's probably that they have something else going on completely unrelated to you. You don't have to get to the bottom of it, but you can if you feel close enough to them to try to help them.

I also notice I'm more a target on days I don't feel well or having a bad day. I think it's when people see you are miserable, that empathy they have that we seem to lack (sadism if you ask me) seems to make them want to make you more miserable. People just tend to make fun of other people's misery. The only thing you can do to avoid that is no matter how bad your day is going, you must constantly hold your head high and pretend it's a perfect day. Every day is a perfect, wonderful day. Example, homeless people. Notice how people generally react to homeless people? They are either annoyed and angered by it (some other guy's life being miserable somehow ruins their life too) or they make fun of them (like it's funny that somebody lost their home and is struggling to live). It's not like anyone is asking for sympathy, but nobody asks for the hatred either. The only time you can't control this is when you are sick. The only thing you can do is stay home and avoid people like that.