Pre diagnosis concern's (NT'ish wife)

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My husband is going for a diagnosis Thursday. we self dianosed a few months ago and are 99% sure having read up on the subject. Initially we intended to go for councelling (marriage is on the edge of a very high cliff), however the councellor, maxine aston, said it would be hard to have councelling without knowing where he is on the spectrum. So we are booked for a three hour diagnosis with two hours councelling the next day. we live about 150 miles away.
Now I am concerned as he has shown very little interest in reading about aspergers, whereas I have become obsessed and want to know as much as I can.
It appears most people with AS DO research. He is also very blase about going, whereas I would be in panic mode by now.

I would appreciate any thoughts on this.

I would have thought that with a possable divorce on the cards he would be making some sort of effort.

Def confused and concerned.

Thanks
Vee

would also appreciate a spel cheker!!

Are you sure your husband sees his own AS traits? Not everyone with AS is aware of their social oddities. When I was in the process for my first diagnosis, I was in college, and I didn't realize that my classmates were annoyed by my behavior until they told me three months into the school year. Of course I saw that I didn't have friends, but that'd been that way for most of my life and I didn't really care anymore. So maybe your husband doesn't fully realize his problems, because he cannot judge how you experience the situation.

Your counsellor is Maxine Aston? Can you get a different counsellor? She's is the fabricator of Cassandra Syndrome and essentially doesn't believe that AS and NT marriages can ever work. There was a recent thread here that has her name in the title that accuses her of all sorts of questionable practices. Maybe someone can provide a link (I'm on a mobile device).

You're not likely to get marriage help from her other than "divorce your husband." Unless you're looking for that. She will probably side with you completely and put the blame entirely on him.

I'm also suspicious why she would need to know "where" he is on the spectrum. How would that affect counselling? she should be analyzing your individual relationship and coming up with recommendations for ways to improve yourselves, not basing it off of a diagnosis.

There are good resources out there for NT/AS marriages that are less biased. Can someone else provide the references?

Even though I had heard about AS 20 years ago (when I was about 30), I didn't start researching it until I started to think I had it (last year.) Until then, I would kind of joke about my social awkwardness - but just chalked it up to my being shy.

By the time I turned 50, I had ruled out every other possible reason for my characteristics & decided to focus on AS. I read at least a dozen books on the subject (in addition to web resources, such as this forum) in the space of the next six months.

So it took a while for me to come around & make AS a "special interest."

I disagree with the theory that telling a woman to divorce her husband is "siding with her." Sure, it's saying that it's all his fault, but it's certainly NOT being on her side. It sounds as though Vee would rather work things out. Telling someone that there is no hope for their relationship, while it may include siding with her on issues, is not the same as being on her side.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that. I made two separate statements, though I could see why you might infer that's what I meant.


Since her public position demonstrates a fundamental lack of understanding of AS, Maxine will inherently be siding with the person in the relationship who is neurotypical.

Seconded - from what I've read and seen, if you want an even, balanced, and mutually therapeutic experience then you may wish to consider another counselor. Also, assuming that standard motivational systems will work for someone on the spectrum is not likely to be successful; you may need to discuss this with him in a very blunt, flat manner and go from there. Just my two bits.


M.

Why would you be in panic mode? AS isn't brain cancer, or a deadly disease, and he is not going to be a different person after a diagnosis.

I haven't read Maxine Ashton's books, but here is the thread previously referenced. PREVIOUS THREAD. If wanted my marriage to last, or if I cared for my AS spouse, she would not be my counsellor of choice.

It sounds to me like Maxine is really on nobody's side but her own. Superficially, it might seem like she is on the side of the NT, but if the NT wants to be able to work through the relationship problems and better understand her husband, a therapist whose purpose is to prove her own theory that NTs and aspies can't have successful relationships is certainly not on her side. If Maxine is against aspie/NT relationships, and Vee is IN an aspie/NT relationship, Maxine is not "on her side".. she's on the other side. The purpose of couple's counseling is to work through the problems, and strengthen the husband-and-wife-being-on-the-same-side, isn't it?
If an NT in an aspie/NT relationship just wants somebody to side with them on issues, they can get that for free by complaining about it to a friend instead of paying to go to couples counseling.
Right?

Yes, you are right. We are talking about two levels of sides. I was talking about sides in regarding specific issues in the relationship; you were referring to overall side. Certainly if someone is seeking to work through issues and the counselor is ill-equipped to do this, the counselor is on no one's side.

Also - are you sure he really realizes his relationship is on the edge of a cliff?

Even people seeking counselling may not realize the gravity of the situation. Especially with Asperger's, speaking as someone who can be absolutely doltish in a relationship.

Well, I wasn't in a panic about getting DX'd, actually I was kind of excited to be able to finally put a finger on some issues I'd struggled with all my life(not that a diagnosis did anything to 'cure' those). As far as research, I'm still learning about my disorder in bits and pieces - coming here has given me more insight than reading the pschobabble elsewhere. Last week's thread about 'executive dysfunction' was especially enlightening.

Many of us respond to what we perceive as pressure or other unpleasantness, by going into 'avoidance mode' and ignoring a critical issue until we're absolutely forced by circumstances to deal with it. I suspect that's what you're witnessing.

I would second this. You probably brought up AS with respect to a particular problem you're having (your marriage) rather than out of the blue as an explanation for his quirks. When you say "we self-diagnosed," were you the one driving this or was it his idea?

The other thing that is possible is that he has been reading a ton about it himself when you're not around and simply doesn't want to admit it or want you to know about it. AS can be an extremely private discovery, so much so that sharing it with someone else, even a spouse, takes a lot of time. Or perhaps he is reading web sites and books which are suggesting to him that he is diseased or broken, or maybe he's read up on Maxine and is incredibly scared.

I guess I was projecting, imagining someone who has difficulty with general chit chat would find it extreemly hard to talk about themselves. Being an NT I dont like to talk about myself. I didnt mean he was worried about the diagnosis.
as for the self diagnosis there was a news article a few months ago about someone discovered they had AS in middle age. After he watched it it was him who said "that sounds just like me". I found the online test and did it on his behalf as I know him. I got a high score. He did the test and had one score higher. I didnt know that he changes numbers into binary!!

I dont think he is privatley reading up, I guess its more a case of avoidence.
Regarding maxine, what I have read has scared me, we want to sort things out if possible. So looking for alternative support.
In the meantime I have found this site is a great means of support and knowlege.

Vee