Measuring Up...

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ImMe
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17 Jul 2009, 4:51 pm

I've come to a point where I can't make sense of this world anymore. I've just recently decided that I want nothing to do with a family member who has raised me and supposedly loves me... but this person makes me feel awful about myself and no matter how much I have tried to do everything like an NT as they want I never measure up. I'm always inadequate in some way. I realized this, so I've resolutely decided that I can't have anything to do with that person anymore.

But... everyone around seems to think I am wrong in feeling the way I am, that I am not grateful or don't accept or appreciate this person for what they have done for me or their sacrifices for me, regardless of the fact this person has only caused me pain by being cold and cruel in expecting me to measure up to societies standards or get the cold shoulder (which I know now I can only do to an extent. i.e. I can never join the military or be heavily social). And that my philosophical outlook that people should help one another to do the best they can to live a happy life with their differences is wrong and that all the world is is a hard cruel place where everyone is just using each other and you have to measure up and that people who coldly push you to measure up are doing you a favor...

Now I realize that everyone does something for a reason. But have I been naive to think I would ever find relationships with people that are geared towards helping one another and enjoying the bond, trust, and camaraderie that brings? I have never found one person to have the same philosophical outlook as me...

I really don't want to live the rest of my life like this if this is all the world has to offer one another... It's too frightening...

LostAlien
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17 Jul 2009, 5:23 pm

Things will get better, perhaps getting a little more difficult before it gets easier.

If it is a family member that you are not going to be in contact with, people will make assumptions based on their own relationships (which are usually good in some way) and imagine you and the family member being like their experience. Such reasoning is flawed but people do this anyways. Try not to take these peoples guilt tripping to much to heart, they think they know best. Though, if the person is damaging to you mentally, it is best to stop contact until you feel strong in yourself at least.

Don't view yourself as wrong, I believe that people should try to be nicer and try their best to live happy lives and help others to do the same too. A life without smiles can be a bleak place. I hope you find many smiles, both on your own face (and heart) and on people that you care about.

WardenWolf
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17 Jul 2009, 5:40 pm

Your situation sounds largely like my own. I'm in exactly the same boat with my mother, and my view towards friendships is the same. There's good people out there, but, unfortunately, sometimes your own family can't be counted among them.

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Greentea
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17 Jul 2009, 7:15 pm

Cooperation is no longer in fashion. It became irrelevant as money substituted it, because nowadays people feel they can buy what they need with money (goods and services) whereas once people needed to cooperate to get the things they needed. So today it's competition for money. It'll take another generation for people to realize that cooperation is necessary and desirable and can't be replaced by money. I spent many years looking for people, at least one, who believed like me in cooperation, until I realized nobody does anymore and stopped looking.

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DonkeyBuster
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17 Jul 2009, 9:09 pm

Families are accidents of birth, there's nothing that says they're the people you need to be around or invest your energy in.

I myself have little to do with my family.

I do think this society is becoming less tolerant of mental difference, as we move into the "service industry age" and the happy smiling [gormless] interpersonal interaction becomes the standard... don't want to offend the customer and loose the business!

Also, as Aspies we are not seen as team players... that requires the ability to read body language and reciprocity, which we are notoriously lacking in... however, they can be learned to an extent, and it is possible to find small groups of people geared towards service that you can be part of. You will probably have to do some education about how Aspies relate to others, and how people can best relate to us and be comfortable rather than put off.

It's a process, and membership in these service groups is fluid, because EVERYONE brings all their stuff to the table [not just us]. But valuable service can still be accomplished.

I hope you will never give up your wish to improve the world or help others. If you are athletic, you might check into Search and Rescue, I did that for a couple of years before the whole groups sort of had a meltdown... too many strong personalities, but it was great while it lasted.

Aimless
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17 Jul 2009, 9:40 pm

Greentea wrote:

Quote:

I think it's still out there somewhere. Ironically, if any of the gloomy scenarios for Planet Earth I've been reading come to pass, then cooperation will again become a matter of survival. Which is I guess what you just said. :oops:

Greentea
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18 Jul 2009, 2:01 am

Yes, very probably it'll take a crisis to make people react. I believe it's the lack of belief in cooperation that makes society such a harsh, alienating place for everyone.

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DonkeyBuster
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18 Jul 2009, 9:02 am

Greentea wrote:

Yes, very probably it'll take a crisis to make people react. I believe it's the lack of belief in cooperation that makes society such a harsh, alienating place for everyone.

I beginning to wonder if everyone, AS and NT alike, aren't suffering from too much people time... one of my interests is early American history, and one of the things that really strikes me is how isolated farms were. There were no TVs, no radios, few newspapers... very little input from others outside the farm at all. So it was a real treat to get together with neighbors for worship, or quilting, or barn-raising.

Not to mention the lack of mechanized assist, so one HAD to have help, therefore come to tolerate others at least enough to clear land, raise buildings, harvest and thresh grain... all just to survive.

Now we can do nearly everything by ourselves, and so no one is learning how to tolerate each other to get things done.

studentM
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18 Jul 2009, 10:15 am

DonkeyBuster wrote:

Very well put. This is why I always laugh to myself a little when people go off on their socialization agenda for my homeschooled children.

Back to the original post, ImMe, by making a break from your family member, what you've done is simply set up boundaries to protect yourself from harm. That's a healthy choice, and it doesn't matter if anyone agrees with you.

More often than not, there are many relationships between two people where one is privy to a certain 'side' of another that no one else ever sees. That's why the majority are so perplexed when the relationships ends - because no one else witnessed the problems.

There are many, many people who share your philosophical outlook - me being one of them.

And you can most certainly build relationships with people who want to help others. There are endless organizations around the world that you can learn more about - and be apart of - whose sole purpose is giving to those who have little or nothing.

My thinking on this may be broader than what you had in mind, but I'll just throw it out there anyway.

I don't know what your gifts are or what you're looking for, but I have a long list of links. Mine are mainly medical organizations working in poorer countries, but I'll just offer these to start:

http://www.hesperian.org/
http://www.heifer.org/
http://www.annfoundation.org/

Even in your own community, I'm willing to bet there are food closets, homeless shelters, abuse centers, etc. You can almost always find a way to give of yourself - and at the same time find others who do the same.

Last edited by studentM on 18 Jul 2009, 10:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

DarrylZero
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18 Jul 2009, 10:50 am

ImMe,

You have to do what's best for you. I love my family, but there's a reason I chose to go to college 3,000 miles from home (several reasons, actually) and moved to a location about 2,000 miles from home. I have to say it's one of the best things I've done. I stay in touch by phone and I visit periodically (when I can afford it), but I think getting out of that environment was a tremendous help for me.

As far as finding people who share your altruistic desires, I'll echo studentM's suggestion to seek out volunteer organizations. Do you have special interests or skills? There may be a volunteer organization with a need for those skills. That might be a good approach to take.

ImMe
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19 Jul 2009, 11:16 am

That's a good idea. I'm starting school again in August since I haven't been able to find a job anywhere for the last year so I'm thinking volunteering and joining clubs even if they are just to socialize would be good.

As far as skills go, I don't really have any. I can program... play video games, read, and draw a little. But I'm sure I can get involved in something and maybe find people who I can have positive relationships with.

I think I just need to go into this knowing that most of the people I meet are going to be a negative influence (as has happened anytime I try to get involved in groups) and hopefully that will allow me to keep going with it and find the people I'm interested in finding. Does that sound reasonable?

DonkeyBuster
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19 Jul 2009, 12:44 pm

I know I've done better with just accepting that most of the people I meet will just be casual acquaintances, most pleasant, some not, but not expecting anything beyond the superficial. Lightened up my whole approach. A lot easier to just meet, greet and go home.

Someone on these boards coined the phrase "First and Friendly". Yeah, that's what I do, and then I let it go.

Greentea
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19 Jul 2009, 1:02 pm

Yeah, I've taken that approach lately too.

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MDD123
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19 Jul 2009, 7:55 pm

ImMe wrote:

It sounds like the said family member may want to help, but the expectation for you to do something you can't do is unreasonable. Cutting them off sends a strong message, you can backtrack and explain any time they're willing to listen to your side of the issue, but I can't fault you for pushing that person aside.

I read this story about a mother crab who had high expectations for her son, she expected him to walk forwards and backwards instead of walking sideways. That sounds pretty close to your situation.

ruveyn
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19 Jul 2009, 8:29 pm

ImMe wrote:

I really don't want to live the rest of my life like this if this is all the world has to offer one another... It's too frightening...

Jesus Christ on a Crutch. I hope you are not suicidal. You sound "down" enough that you should get some professional help A.S.A.P. Do not hesitate on this, your one and only life is at stake.

ruveyn

ImMe
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19 Jul 2009, 8:55 pm

MDD123 wrote:

That's a good example, but unfortunately this person has completely crossed the fine line between what you do to someone you love and what you don't (i.e. making me homeless unless I accept the conditions for having my life controlled by this person, which I of course refused. I would have had to have taken medications, gone to therapy, counseling, and forced to be social all the time without having any of the things I need to relax...). I've talked to some people who have known him and learned some very scary things about this person. One of his ex-wives said that when she was so sick once that she had to be taken to a clinic, and he was only concerned about who will take care of the kids, and was annoyed that he had to bother with such an annoyance. He has mentioned before that he has learned how to listen to people and has a routine set for how he thinks someone acts when they want to show someone they care and come off as only a good positive person. He's very greedy too, but I think that's enough, I've made my point.

I would conclude that he was a sociopath, but I don't think that is true because he can show concern to certain extents that I don't think sociopaths would bother doing (what I would call sympathy). He instead just lacks what I would call empathy, where sympathy is just the ability to pick up on emotions of others instinctively in a given situation and empathy would be the ability to imagine, theorize, and even feel what another person is experiencing without actually experiencing what that person experiences directly.

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