mom of a 17 yr old Aspie boy

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Hi all
I'm new here, & I am a mom of a 17 yr old Aspie boy. I'm looking for support & guidance for him upon graduation from high school next year. He has no drive or ambition, & really does not want to do anything in life except stay home & take care of me & play video games . He has developed more interests as he's gotten older(videography, Technology, digital animation & likes the idea of working with animals). When approached about life after high school... furthering his education, he only will do it if I insist. He'll only do it for me. He is an only child troubled with low self esteem for many years... very shy, not social, & developed interests & friends in the online & video game world.Since being in high school he's developed 3 friendships but only in school. I have encouraged him to invite his friends over, call them on the phone, but he says they are too busy. He's driving now... has his permit & does well, but is not really interested in driving, but only does it because his dad & I insist. He drives well, except tends to zone out while driving, so we're teaching him, along with what his drivers ed instructor taught him on how to break the monotony by looking at different things while driving. He is very worried about life after high school... scared of the future & does not want to have to live on his own, or away from his family. We encourage him & tell him it is really cool & his cousins did it & they also never thought about it being scarey.. it will come to you. We did reassure him that he didn't have to move out once he finished high school, but he did need to work, so he needs to further his education a bit more. He tells us he's afraid of dying, his dad & I dying, & who will take care of him when this happens. He's not normally an anxious child, but I see where he does post this alot when emailing on messaging with his online friends & his step brother. I guess I'm looking for any parents who have teens getting ready to venture out into the world after high school, & what do you do to relieve the anxieties & panic your child had or has on growing up & autonomy. I get very sad thinking he may never find a nice girl to marry.. (I never let on to him I feel this way) I have a female cousin in her 40's that we think is Aspie, & she's never married, a few girlfriends, but only a few boyfriends over her years, & she's on her own & has resigned herself to being alone with her animals. My brother.. in his 50's still single, Aspie traits also(never diagnosed) engaged once may years ago, but called it off, & is still single.
Do you think he needs outside counselling again? Any more I can do to help him spread his wings? I offer to take him to friends houses, offer to pick up friends, encourage him to accept offers from his 3 friends at school to hang out in their neighborhood, but he says... "I'm not ready yet". What's a mom to do....
Thanx for any input
Mary

It sounds like a counselor would be a good place to start.

First things first, welcome to the forums! I hope you'll find them very helpful.

From what you said, I don't think college would be the right choice at all, for him or for you. It is very clear that you want nothing but the best for him, but right now putting him in college would just be uprooting him and placing him in a completely unfamiliar situation. He would be completely lost, and you would be more stressed worrying about him than you have ever been. I think a year at home (or possibly a year of community college) would be the best plan.

His interests, luckily, translate VERY well to potential careers. I think it would make him much less nervous about the future if he realizes it means he can learn even more about what he's interested in.

As for the fear of you dying, this may seem a little morbid to sit down and talk about, but it would help his anxiety greatly to have a plan in place.

I think scheduling counseling would help greatly (not just for him, it would also make your anxiety much easier to deal with). I hope I have helped a little.

Without going into details, I think the first thing is to realize that AS kids can take quite a bit longer to "grow up" than "normal" kids. Which means that all the milestones like seeking independence are on a different time schedule. That does not mean he never will, just that he isn't ready at 17 like the other kids are. Think through his childhood and you'll probably see many, many examples of this. He's probably feeling the way a 13 year old (or maybe 15) would if suddenly forced to confront independence; we would all expect those reactions from a much younger child, and accept that there was still maturing and growing up to do. Well, that is most likely the case with your son. He isn't emotionally ready for the steps he is supposed to take.

I think if you accept that and allow him to live more his emotional age, he will get what he needs to advance, on his own time, to the next level. Exactly how that would play out for your unique child and family will be up to you and your child. Just let him be "young" for a little longer. Ask of him what you would ask of a younger child. I know it gets hard because our kids are so bright and way ahead of their peers in other ways, but these steps come down to emotional maturity much more.

personally i was sort like, still sorta am. i have no drive because the aspie condition means being anti-social. most aspects of life are social. as for me the constant stress, depression,low-self-esteem, lack of confidence that accompanies this condition overshadowed my views of life. it's like living in a fog. and just like being lost in a fog. you're uncertain of where you're going. it lends a veil of uncertainty to everything you do which can undermine your efforts. uncertain what you want to do in life. it's hard to have ambition if you lack a decided direction to focus that in or if you're clueless of where to begin. getting him informed is key. thoroughly informed.

if he's new to driving it may just be that the concentration it requires is stressful to him. we're not good multitaskers and not very good at throwing our full attention in multiple areas at once like destination, how fast we're going, staying in the lines, etc all at once. he may be able to pull it off smoothly, but the stress may be uncomfortable. i know i was certainly like that for a while. i only started liking driving once i'd actually gotten more of a hang on it and it started coming more natural and reflexively. i make great use of my peripherals. also, if he's not very social, maybe he just doesn't see the value of driving if he doesn't have anywhere he actually wants to go. it's an interest based on practicality. i certainly thought it was pointless to drive around without a set destination.

as for convincing him that to move out is ok and he'll be fine, he just needs to learn some more skills that are compatible along that line. he's also prolly not too cool with moving out of his comfort zone and the change seems drastic, a wander into the unknown. once he gets a car that should help some. getting a job too would boost his confidence in his ability to move out by himself and support himself, then ease him through the transition maybe take him around to prospective places take a look at apartments, discuss the merits of having a roomie to split costs, go over living expenses so it's not a huge surprise how much it costs to live these days. if he doesn't know anything about housekeeping now's a good time to start. etc. i could go on a long while.

youhave alot of work ahead of you. good luck.

Hi Mary,

I hope you won't mind my replying even though I'm not the demographic you were looking for. I'm a 40yo parent of an 8yo aspie and I'm replying mainly because I can see myself and my mother in your post.

I can't tell you that everything will be perfect because everyone is different but I can tell you how it was for me... and it all worked out in the end.

I was like him. I only did things for my mum; pursued a career in IT for my mum, went to TAFE for my mum, went job searching for my mum.
With me it never registered in my brain that people work to support themselves and it's something that everyone does. I know that they do now unfortunately I'm on disability because my psychiatrist thinks it's best I not work.
Make him pursue his new interests. I was into animation too.
Don't force him to hang out with friends. It annoys me when my mum does that to me and when I invite people over to my home I don't know what to do. Just let him get more social in his own time.

My husband does most of the driving even though I have my license and *can* drive. I prefer not to because I do tend to zone off a lot. I get disoriented easily and have a hard time with things like distance between cars and navigating around a construction zone for instance.

Driving makes me extremely anxious and I prefer not to. Perhaps its that way for your son also.

I have that problem. I will "zone out" doing any task that is not mentally stimulating enough--and will "zone out" if a task is overwhelming. When I drive, I listen to a book on tape while I do it. It helps me stay focused by--oddly enough--distracting me from the sameness of the road!