Offended my aunt with my thank you card

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I have yet thank you cards to send out for our wedding presents we got and I have half of it done. I sent a thank you card to my aunt and uncle and I forgot to include my cousin
Well I got a letter in the mail from my aunt saying how disappointed she is in me and hurt for reading how I was shocked when I recieved her wedding present and me saying to my family they may be cheap but they aren't cheap enough to not get us a wedding present.

My aunt and uncle did not come out to family reunions that were out of Wisconsin and they did not come to my cousin's wedding in 2005 and my dad said it's because they're cheap. So I was surprised when I got a wedding gift from them so it was a compliment that they aren't cheap enough to not get us one, even though they couldn't come out to see us get married. I still don't understand how that compliment was hurtful to her or is she just over reacting?

Now I am hoping I didn't say any other hurtful things in my thank you cards when I sent them off thanking them for their money they gave us or gift card or gifts. I think I will have my husband help me when I make the next ones out so he can tell me what not to say so I won't say anything hurtful on accident.

My aunt even had the impression that I said it to make everyone laugh but I did not say it to make people laugh. I can't control what people find funny when I am not trying to be funny. I make people laugh unintentionally. So I wrote her an apology letter and said I was sorry my compliment was hurtful to her and then I tell her my side of the story and I told her I did not say it to make people laugh and I didn't know why they laughed when I said it. My husband said it was because my dad was caught saying a rude thing to me but I don't see how that was rude. Is being cheap a bad thing? I mean traveling is expensive, some people can't afford it, I have not been out to Wisconsin in ten years because I am also cheap. So I like spend an whole hour writing the letter and making sure I didn't say anything hurtful in it and hope I didn't so I wrote I hope I didn't say anything hurtful again in this letter.

Now I feel bad that a compliment hurt her and wish I kept it to myself than telling her about it in my thank you card. If I knew it was going to hurt her and she would take it the wrong way, I wouldn't have said it to her. I also apologized for forgetting to include my cousin. I hope I didn't make that same mistake with the others. I felt better after I wrote the apology letter and put it in the sent box for the mail man to take. I would have called her instead if I knew her number but because I don't, I wrote back to her instead to apologize. I hope I didn't hurt my uncle and cousin too. But I do agree in her letter that sending me a book on manners and proper etiquette would be more suitable as a wedding present than cookbooks and pot holders and spices.


So how is this compliment hurtful, "You may be cheap but you weren't cheap enough to not get us a wedding present" or was my aunt just over reacting? I mean everyone in my family laughed and so did my husband and my aunt is the only one hurt by it. I probably didn't have to write that apology letter but I did because I'm nice and I felt bad she didn't take the compliment well. I always feel bad when I accidently hurt someone, even if I think they are being dramatic or too sensitive. I still apologize for it just to help myself feel better and I think it's the polite thing to do.

I am absolutely no expert on getting along with people but here's my motto that sometimes helps me: "Of course it's a disaster, it's got relatives in it."

Typically thank you notes are just, "Thank you for the lovely ____, (insert name), we really needed one!". I think it is lovely that you want to send an individualized letter to everyone though. It is an often neglected sentiment these days.


I think this is another situation where Aspie honesty is just not taken in the spirit it was intended. Does your Aunt know you were DX'd? She may have thought you were being sarcastic. Also a lot of people prefer the word frugal to the word cheap, although not everyone. However I think that was not the problem in your thank you note.

It is definitely more likely that she felt you were being sarcastic about them sending a gift.

Yes, in this case cheap is a perjorative term -- the implication here is that your uncle could afford to make the trip but chose not to do so because he didn't want to spend the money, which is probably not literally true but simply a reflection of a rivalry between your father and uncle -- but you didn't know that so the apology letter should clear the matter up between you and your aunt.

Of course, your father will be in the hot seat at family gatherings for years to come, possibly forever. If they're anything like my family, it may even make it into his eulogy.

It's always an insult to call someone cheap.
Sometimes frugal works, but I don't think it would work in that case, it would sound like code for cheap, since it essentially means the same thing, but generally implies more that the person is good at prioritizing and spending money only on more important things.

Do you mean that you were surprised that they gave you a wedding present because they were having financial problems?
Cheap has a very negative connotation, it usually implies that someone has money but just won't spend it, particularly on other people. If what you were saying was that she was generous to give you a wedding present despite financial problems, cheap was definitely the wrong word to use...

I think you said the opposite of what you meant to say?

Unintentional insult. My advice--apologize (apology isn't always an admission of wrong; it can also be, "I wish I could have prevented this"), tell them you really did not mean it that way, you just stuck your foot in your mouth and hope they can forgive you for messing up. After that, it's their turn and you can't do any more; they either forgive you or not.

"Stick your foot in your mouth"=very useful idiom in areas where it's used. Means to misspeak in a socially awkward and generally embarrassing manner.

What you wrote to her was rude by most standards but if she's your aunt and knows about your deficits in communication, I would think she would understand that you didn't understand how it was rude. I had a bit of a reaction with the whole cheap thing. I can't always afford to buy a gift. I am a single mom and live $8,000 below poverty level according to 2008 guidelines. If someone told me I was cheap for not giving a gift it would really hurt my feelings.
My grandmother was famous for saying things like-That's a nice dress, it doesn't make you look so fat.

>_<

I love this. I could see my AS boy saying this to someone easily.

I have no idea. I don't know if my mom told her family when I was DXd. My grandparents know because I think my mother told them and I think my uncle John knows but I am not sure about my aunts.

MorbidMiss wrote:

The most awful story is how when she met her future in laws for the first-she said that she knew my great grandmother must be a kind person to marry someone as ugly as her husband.

My mother is the queen of left-handed compliments in our family.

"What size dress is that? Hmm, you're smaller than you look."
"You should wear glasses more often, they give your face character."

The thing is, I don't think she means them to be insulting. She's always said she constantly walked around with her foot in her mouth.

If she doesn't know, or if she knows "technically" but does not understand what it means then it would definitely lead to her becoming offended. Heck I do know what it means and sometimes my son still offends me.

I just step back and let myself cool off, then I explain why he needs to rephrase what ever it was that he said. In other words it is unfortunate, and I really do believe that your apology should help the matter (If it doesn't then I would not worry about it, there is just no helping some people), but I would not expect things like this to not happen again.

It isn't your fault though, people offend other people all the time.

I don't know if they are having financial problems. My aunt couldn't come due to a current medical condition she is having but her husband and my cousin could have come but they didn't and they also didn't come to the past family reunions or to my cousin's wedding and my dad said it was because they were cheap. I figured they don't want to spend the money to come and then they are left in debt or can't pay their bills because they spent it on the long trip. Some people just can't afford to travel far because they don't make enough to be able to travel and then are able to pay their bills still when they arrive back. I think she misunderstood my thank you card thinking I was referring to now that she didn't come than referring to the past when she and her family didn't come to the reunions and to my cousin's wedding. I explained all that to her in my apology. I think it was a misunderstanding. I hope my letter will clear things up and she understands and isn't upset and hurt anymore.

I had no idea cheap was a bad thing and what it really meant because my mom has used that word on me and on herself so I guess I learned it wrong. I thought cheap meant not wanting to spend all that money on something and I know how expensive plane tickets are when you count three people. Also if they travel by car, don't forget the cost of gas and hotel rooms and food and attractions to spend money on and that can add up. I don't think my own mother was insulting me when she told me I was being cheap and don't be a cheap skate when we were in Europe. She has also said it to me when I thought about sleeping in my car at night than in a hotel room and she said being a cheap skate isn't the answer because it's very dangerous. I don't think that was to insult me. I guess she also uses the word the same way I learned to use it.

Could she have been AS?

Not everyone uses it as an insult. My husband sees it as a source of pride. *chuckles*

I find those compliments. I don't see how they are wrong to say. I've been told I look good in outfits, I don't take that as an insult. I got yesterday "Did anyone tell you today you look beautiful?" when I was on my way to the park to cool down because they had the slip n slide set up on the hill.