Anyone get fatigued by relationships?

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Hey,

Guess I'm a new poster - been reading this board for a while now, but I started to feel like a freeloader for not contributing to the conversation, so here I am in the e-flesh.

This is basically a relationship question, trying to see if anyone else cares about but is ultimately fatigued by their partner. Been with this girl for a few years, we've got a complicated past, but she knows the deal with me (undiagnosed but unequivocally AS) yet gets upset when I spend little if any time with her. I work hard from nine to five. I get home and make time to exercise, clear my mind (reading, meditating, RTS games), have a short phone call with friends and family, and walk the dog. On the weekend I like to stay home 75 percent of the time, maybe go out and see a friend for a few hours. Doing things this way keeps my mind clear and my energy levels up, which is what I need if I'm going to work in a vocation that fits my graduate education. I could be more active and lead a more variegated lifestyle (nightlife, social networking, etc.), but I'd have to trade my line of work for the overnight shift at a gas station to compensate.

I'm pretty sure that part sounds familiar to some people here. But I'm curious to hear if anyone else shares this aspect of my situation: that spending significant time with one's partner adds to the brain drain. I have compassion for her and her situation. I know she loves me, would gladly spend 90 percent of her time in my company if given the choice, and makes lifestyle sacrifices on account of me that would appall her peers. I'm not sure I've ever loved anybody, but I absolutely care about her and would like to see her made happy. But I'm not motivated to sit down with her at the dinner table for a meal and conversation. I am not able, let alone inclined, to snuggle up with her on the couch whispering sweet little emotional nothings. I can do little infrequent things like watch a movie, have dinner, or go for a walk with her - but it feels like work, and I'm just waiting for it to be over so I can be alone. I've really tried to "feel" whatever it is that animates people to do these things, be happy that I'm making her happy by devoting my time to these things. But it never works, because I've reached the conclusion that the reason this might make her happy is if she knew that I enjoyed these things on an intrinsic level. I've tried to, but I just don't.

I'm 27 now, and pretty much my entire life before her I've had a pretty routine life - I spend profligate time by myself, and occasionally emerge to spend time with family/friends/casual girlfriends. But only yesterday I realized that spending this much time in the company of another has been a wide leap for me, and I haven't taken it too well. As always, I can never be sure of the extent to which my situation is infused with elements common to all people in relationships - versus the AS-related conundrums which are not.

I see lots of people here who seem happy in their long-term relationships, and for sure some people who have had the opposite experience. But if anyone else has had challenges such as this, I would be more than appreciative of anything you can share that might shed light on this situation.

Thank you all very much,

Meursault

Wow. I have to tell you that your relationship issues seem typical for someone with AS. I have AS and my partner has AS. We both have serious needs for alone time so that we do not get overloaded. We've been together 2 years (and were best friends the year before that,) and we still don't live together for this reason. We are just now seriously considering living together, and even then, we will get separate bedrooms.

Consider talking to your girlfriend about your AS issues. If she loves you, she will be supportive and understanding.

Hi there. I'm pretty new to this too. I have to say that by reading your first paragraph it doesn't sound like much of a relationship and then towards the bottom when you stated that it is work for you to interact with her, that explains the first paragraph. Of course I don't know you or your girlfriend and in no way am I going to judge your relationship but I will offer my experience with my relationship.

For me, it is work to be around other people and in social situations but I do not feel that way around my husband. He accepts me and I accept him. Yes, we both have our wierd quarks about each other but we work around that.

Maybe, for us, the relationship works because we are both antisocial people. One way we conbined alone time and together time is we both have laptop computers and will sit together in the same room both in our own computer worlds for hours on end without speaking a word to each other but it feels like we are spending together time.

I think I should also disclose to you that I am not officially diagnosed with AS (nor do I feel compelled to get a diagnosis) but like many here, a few years ago I started searching the internet for something to explain my oddities and came across AS and autism. AS and Autism are now a part of my obsessions. My husband is NT for sure.

I hope this is helpful. I do like the suggestion that someone made that you should discuss your feelings with your girlfriend. She may have hopes of getting married and starting a family or something. I think it would be important to see if you guys have the same future plans. If you don't, I think it's better to find out now.

This is me, too - although I'm NT. I enjoy being in the presence of others without having to interact with them.

My daughter actually raged at me about this, telling me how abnormally quiet I am and how surprised she was when visiting friends houses - how much they talked to each other. It's not that I don't love those I'm around, or that I'm uninterested, but endless conversations are most definitely draining.

I was visiting a friend last week who likes lengthy talks. I just got to a point one evening where I couldn't listen anymore. I honestly felt like I was going to fall asleep right there, and so told her I was off to bed. But then, once I was in my room alone, I felt 'normal' and I wasn't tired at all.

I don't know what to advise really (isn't it smart to post when you don't know what to say?).

Partners haven't usually tired me particularly, though some have. It's very difficult to find the right mix of traits in one person - I don't like it when the partner isn't all that interested in me but equally I can't cope with one who won't give me any space. And frankly I've known some partners who seemed to do both at the same time, so I've felt both deserted and engulfed by the same person.

I think the partner of an Aspie really needs to take on board what the Aspie is likely to be like, instead of just accepting it intellectually and continuing to expect a neurotypical response. I'm still struggling to understand whether or not a neurotypical partner can actually do that. I guess it's a question of degree.....if you find that there's hardly ever a time when you want to be with her, she's got a point. If she's always expecting your immediate attention regardless of where you're at, she hasn't. I'd have thought that there should be a happy medium where a couple can arrange an amount of quality time for each other that's acceptable to both sides. And I think it's important to be able to just "chill out" together rather than one partner using the time as a way of putting a strain on the other.

I don't know how far you can go in splitting yourself between a demanding job and a serious partner. I'm sure a lot of relationships fail because the partner isn't satisfied with being second place to a career all the time. Personally I've always tried to minimise my involvement in the world of work, which I see as a distraction to my real life, though in spite of my attitude, work has often ground me down so much that I've not been fit to live with. Though rather than try too hard and wear myself out further, I've usually just found myself becoming hostile on arriving home, on account of the stresses and strains of working life.

It's still something of a mystery to me why relationships should so often turn out difficult, though I don't doubt that an easy partnership is quite a rare thing.

The format of my long-term relationship is that we are able to constantly be around each-other, but have ample head-room/alone time...ect...

Meursault, maybe I'm totally off-base, but it sounds like you might be leading her on a bit. I'm probably projecting a lot, but it sounds as though she's in love with you, and kinda under the impression (even if you didn't intend it) that if she just does the right things, you'll feel the same way she does. It just sounds a lot like something in my past, so maybe I'm wrong

Yup.. exactly how it is with me and Kris.

I find lengthy direct head-to-head contact stressful...anytime we go on a one-on-one "date"..I am prone to having meltdowns..it is better when there is someone else with us..so I can keep to myself.

This sounds like a problem. I am the same way, but then again I'm not in a relationship right now. If you're dating someone, the ultimate goal is to see if you should marry that person. But if you can't eat dinner with her frequently, how are you going to have a good marriage? Also, if your children don't have AS, they are going to suffer emotionally because of a lack of emotional reciprocation from their father. Just something to ponder.

I was frequently drained by being with the handful of women I've had a relationship with, and despite my attempts to explain my need for time to myself, I was told that I spent too much time reading or using computers.

My own needs and limits are why I rarely even try to have a relationship, and the few I've had did not last long (shortest was two days), and I typically take a break of four to five years to recharge. It's worth mentioning that I have limited social skills or needs, and often go days or sometimes weeks without noticing that I haven't talked to anyone (I live and work alone).

Meursault, this situation can be reduced to a simple question: If you want to continue the relationship, you will likely have to adjust your routine to spend more time with your girlfriend. Exactly how you do that to avoid feeling fatigued by your partner, I don't know. Other WP members, particularly those who are able to sustain relationships, may be able to give specific strategies. Good luck.

Have attempts been made to help her understand that the way that you are wired means that you require more space?

The ideal Aspie relationship would be between two people who live in separate houses, in different neighborhoods and who see each other only once or twice a week, for regularly scheduled conjugal visits, and perhaps a bi-monthly recreational outing.

Now that's romance

Speaking as an NT, if it was a committed monogamous relationship, I would have no problem with that arrangement. Some of us like our own space too.

This is how I am able to handle being polyamorous..this basically describes my relationship with my (very AS-ish)"other" partner...who I don't live with. We also play music together...talk to each other on the phone every day...do the conjugal thing when we are able to...we used to be on a schedule...but I am currently too busy.....etc..etc...

(This is all with consent from all parties...my main partner also has other girlfriends from time to time)

I disagree.. I think the best thing is when you can feel the good parts of being alone (not being self-conscious, not having to talk and think of things to say, all that stuff) and still be around the other person. That's how you know somebody is perfect for you.

It works for myself and my "other" partner because he gets all the benefits of being "single"..but doesn't have to feel "alone"..as in lonely...relationships can be hard for him for different reasons...but the years of involuntary celibacy were pretty hard on him too...also..we were friends for years before we started seeing each other..and all of the elements of our friendship remain in tact...we are just better friends...

Ideally he would like a "better" girlfriend who he can see all the time...but hopefully our arrangement is better than nothing for the time being.