What would you tell parents of newly diagnosed kids?

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What's the most important thing you think a parent needs to know when their doctor first says "Autism"?

What would have helped your parents when you were diagnosed, or helped you when your child was diagnosed?

What's the one thing that nobody tells parents of autistic kids, that they really, really need to know?

To parents I would say:
1) Remember this child has not changed from the child he/she was yesterday and is as capable as she/he is let to be.
2) The child may need help with some form of social skills training.

To the child, I'm not sure what would need to be said, perhaps something like 'people may be mean to you but it's not your fault unless you hurt them first intentionally'.

Don't expect us to respect "authority" without logic backing it. We do not typically respect authority for its own sake.

Remember that meltdowns may be prevented by decreasing the sensory stimulation in the environment.

Those are good questions. My mom had a tough time raising me because the right supports weren't available. I would tell parents of newly diagnosed kids to not listen to anyone who tells them anything negative. I would tell them to be wary of people who say "hit your kid" I would be extremely wary of such individuals who promote any sort of violence in these cases. My mom listened to such advice and it made the situation much worse. My behaviour deteriorated because of it. That's what I would tell them, number one.
IMO they really need to know that hitting/physical punishment as a negative reinforcement is not an option.

When dealing with Asperger's:

Above all else, LISTEN to them, and understand that you may have to change how you respond and react to things. This is absolutely critical for their mental health.

When a child with Asperger's says "Leave me alone", it doesn't mean they're trying to be mean. It means they're becoming overwhelmed and pushing the issue further without allowing them to calm down WILL result in a meltdown or rage. The best response is to back off and give them a few minutes to calm down. "Leave me alone" is usually their best effort at communicating that they are being pushed too far, and they really are doing their best to remain in control. You need to recognize and respect this.

If they run to their rooms and close their door in an argument or fight, give them some space. Don't yell or talk to them through the closed door or this will either enrage them or cause a meltdown. There's a time to continue the discussion, but it is not now.

This is one of the most important things to learn and recognize: a child with Asperger's needs to be able to escape when things get overwhelming, and you, as a parent, need to respect this. Otherwise you will be largely responsible for the resulting "bad behavior" that is largely beyond the child's ability to control.

You'll hear the term "normal" thrown around in the psychiatric professionalese, it will find its way into IEP meetings, and your child will inevitably hear it from their peers. It's everywhere! And within this concept of normal are enormous ramifications for a child's(and adult's!) sense of identity.

Therefore, I will speak as clearly and as plainly as I can. We tend to berate ourselves for not being normal without stopping to think of what normal is: an average. No one complains about straight A students or football stars not being normal! But only for behavior that undesirable--and that's the problem: normal is not, and should not, be a prerequisite for love and human dignity--but many people unknowingly equate "normal" with good and "not normal" with being less worthy.

If I had known then the norm is a barometer of one's environment and not what one's person or actions should be, I might have been spared countless sleepless nights wondering what the hell was wrong with me...

Be prepared to think outside the box, because that is where your kid lives. Go with whatever works, forget what "ought" to be.

Hard to say how to answer your questions, as everyone has a different approach.

To my son, when he got his diagnosis, we had a party, lol. A small one. It was a celebration of "now you know what is going on, and we can talk to your teachers so you can get some kind of help rather than just being in trouble all of the time! Hooray!"

A lot of things changed upon his and my diagnoses, but it was very exciting.

I did have to explain to him after a few teacher complaints, lol, that it did not qualify as an excuse for when he didn't want to get into trouble.

For both of us, the news was wonderful, and it also helped a lot with kids bullying him. He has a lot of friends who used to be big time bullies, just because we sat down and explained why he isn't at good at certain things as they are and all, and they adjust to him. One of his newer friends even got suspended from school a few times for defending him from bullies.

*I think it is also worth noting, that everyone has some form of it to one extent of another. It's just how extreme it is as to whether or not it's diagnosed. You ever notice you tap your foot when impatient, you keep track of things that are important to you, you aren't a mind reader and have trouble at times? People with autism are all just as different and unique in ways as anyone else in the world... we just process things differently and are more extreme about it... I don't know if everyone agrees with that or not, but that is what I find.