Too needy I think

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My AS BF wants time alone today. This is after he promised me this morning he would spend time with me today. He made the same promise yesterday and ended up sleeping all day. He knows I am going batshit from being alone constantly without much to do. I complained about it last night. I don't know why I'm feeling so needy, but I am. And he says, "I don't know how it can be so hard to understand that I just need some alone time." He swears it has nothing to do with me, but just his own personal need. I can respect that. I'm the same way sometimes.

Still, I'm very disappointed and sad.

I don't think you are being needy. He promised you he be with you and then he decides at the last minute he wants to be alone. I'd also be upset if people told me something and then changed their minds I might have troubles trusting them again and taking them seriously. If something came up, then that's different. I understand they didn't plan it to happen and s**t happens. If he was very sick, then that be a reasonable explanation why he wants to be alone and why he broke his promise. He didn't plan to be sick that day when he made the promise.

I completely agree......I would be very upset over the bracken promises. Especially since it happened on two consecutive occasions. I would be hurt by that, maybe even a little insulted. I don't think you are too needy at all. I think you should talk this out with your boyfriend. I mean, yes, people need their alone time and their space, but one also have to make room/time in their life for their significant other. More importantly if a person gives their word, they should honour it. I don't think what he did was very respectful

'broken" sorry...really hop I didn't make any other spelling mistakes!

Can you throw yourself into an interest? That's what I do if I'm left on my own because someone else is knee deep into something which has changed our routine. And it helps pass the time until we can spend time together again. I totally get it's not easy. Some days I'm really needy and I feel like I could drive myself crazy. Sometimes it makes me cranky. But I do find it goes in cycles. There are times when it drives me bonkers, other times it's cool because I have things to keep me busy. It can be tough.

The weird thing about all this is that I know his intentions are good. I mean, he is constantly telling me he wants to be the perfect boyfriend. He just gave me a beautiful gold necklace. We've been talking about marriage.

He got called into work tonight, so he just came by here on his break. He said he isn't going to make any more promises, since he has to take care of himself first or he won't have anything left over to give to me, which makes sense.

EXACTLY! Last night, I made a video, so I was fine. I've been playing scrabble online all day, so that has helped.

Scrabble rocks. Keep finding yourself little projects and you guys will make it through this little speed bump

Needy's my middle name!

How does being given a gold necklace and him talking about marriage go any way towards him being the perfect boyfriend? Perfect boyfriends are those that want to spend time with you, keep their promises, able to take care of you when you are needy and so on. Being given presents and so forth is a minor minor part of a successful relationship - and in fact, the people I know who give the most lavish presents generally have the crappiest relationships as they are using things like this to show they care without doing anything that is actually hard like talking to and spending quality time with their partner.

He is far from the perfect boyfriend with good intentions if he cannot provide you with this and breaks promises. I don't know how long you've been with him, but if it is a while and this is a constant issue with you being more needy than him, probably time to find another boyfriend. People rarely change and it will always be a constant source of frustration for you so find someone who wants to give you the same level of attention as you want.

Well, I was more resentful than I thought. I really let him have it when he came over. He is an extremely loving person however and in many ways he consistently puts me first. We have empathy for one another's AS and that goes a long way in a relationship.

My neediness is my problem, not BF's. It's my job to keep myself engaged in something and connected with people as much as I'm capable. He's not responsible for my emotional needs. So, I need to accept him the way he is and accept the best love he has to offer. It fulfills me. It's just that sometimes I get upset because I forget that he cannot make promises about some things.

I'm so confused. He was going to spend the evening with me and then said he couldn't because he left his meds at his apt. I said, "This is the third time in 3 days you've cancelled plans," and he promised me tomorrow. I said, "Don't do that. You know I can't count on that." He said, "Well, I've been busy and not feeling well and this and that and so on and so forth..." and I just stared at him. I told him he needed to show me through his actions what he was saying with words. He assured me that he would definitely do that.

I make my emotional well being my responsibility and not his, so it irritates me when I cannot just let go and realize there is no reason to feel needy, since it is MY responsibility to take care of myself.

Yea you are exactly right. Hopefully he will do that. But words are meaningless without action.



Well if he feels you are being too needy then he should tell you that. But if he is promising he will see you and then cancelling three days in a row, that is his fault, not yours.

Two words: special interest.

Unless of course you made your BF the obsession that you can't stop thinking about, now that'd be...complicated.

Know to need topic

If we know an AS trait is to need to be alone and not as a need catcher for others, why do we still ask that a person with AS is there for them? there are a lot of needy NT men out there who would prefer to be with those who need this.

Perhaps i do not understand relationships. I do not know how they work. And when I was in one, there was little if any time spent together--I had two or three jobs just to help us all survive. I was so burnt out after being around people that I just wanted and needed down time to recover.

Actually, I feel pity for those who are desperate for companionship. It must be hell when there is no one around.

I don't know about you, but for me, it's that failure to meet expectations that would upset me. I can handle someone saying "I want to do this by myself tomorrow." I'm OK with that. What I don't handle well is someone saying, "Let's do this tomorrow" and then changing plans. That makes me anxious and disappointed, maybe a little angry. It's the expectation that I would be doing X with someone, something that I have geared myself up to do, and then THEM changing the plans.

I'm very autistic on this. I don't handle sudden changes like that well, especially when I've been expecting something else. With relationships, it can be very hard for me to be spontaneous and go with the flow. I need plans, I need a heads-up, a schedule practically, because often I need to gear myself up to spend time with someone, at least until I can establish trust with that person, which takes time for someone like me with AS and PTSD.

I can rationally understand the need to change plans from time to time, but if it became a pattern, it would be a serious issue for me. I've had relationships in the past like that, where the guy fell into a pattern of letting me down all the time. If I was going to have an intimate relationship with someone again, the guy would need to respect my need to know what I can expect from him.




I think some degree of emotional independence is good in an intimate relationship, but there needs to be respect and reciprocity too. He ought to respect that he said he'd do X and that you were expecting him to do it. It's very unfair to you that he gets to do this, repeatedly giving you expectations of him and then failing to follow through. I doubt he'd like that, if you did it to him. That's great that you want to make your emotional well being your responsibility. However, if this guy is having a negative impact on your emotional well being due to actions that are solely his own, you have two options, as I see, to continue caring for your own emotional well being: demand he shows more respect and reciprocity towards your emotional needs, or break it off with him.

I mean, I hate to be blunt with you, seeing you're a grown woman and all, but it seems you're letting him treat you like his doormat. Whatever personal issues he has going on, he's not entitled to treat you like that. Either he's capable of being in a healthy relationship or he's not. And honestly, from what you say of him here, it doesn't look very promising in that regard. More importantly, it's not your fault if he's not.

People with ASDs tend to have very strong emotional responses, regardless to have well they express them externally. Also, many people with ASDs have EFD, executive function disorder, that helps regulate planning and control negative emotional responses. People with EFD often have a very hard time shutting off or overcoming negative emotional responses. Negative emotions can eat away at them, even if they consciously are trying to move past them. I have EFD, and what I have found that helps is not to "vilify" my own emotions. It's pointless to get angry at yourself for feeling a certain emotion. If I feel disappointed over a friend canceling, for example, I just own it, maybe even say "I'm disappointed!" out loud and go occupy myself with something else immediately. Fighting with the emotion just ends up with me drowning in it.

Here's a website about EFD--it's gear towards teens, but it's good info for adults with it too:

Executive Dysfunction