About Eye Contact

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The other night I realized something, and I wanted to find out if this was true for others, too. I do look at people's eyes, but it doesn't mean that I'm paying attention to what they're saying. Usually much the opposite; I don't make eye contact, I just look at their eyes. If I'm looking at somebody's eyes, I'm thinking about their eyes, the color, pupil size, whether I can see the whole iris.. stuff like that. If I'm looking at their eyes, I'm not nearly as likely to remember what they said as if I'm not looking at their eyes. If I'm doodling, or picking at my cuticles, or random stuff like that, I'm likely to remember, sometimes in almost-photographic detail, what somebody said. It's not nearly as likely that I'll remember it if I was looking at their eyes. If I was looking at their eyes, what I remember is what their eyes looked like. There have also been a lot of times in my past where I've described myself as "having been paying more attention than I seemed to be." Given that I have a fairly lot of attention problems (unless I don't really have ADHD at all, just AS) this seems like a fairly strange statement. To a large extent, I guess I can't choose whether or not to pay attention to things. Some things get my attention, some just don't, and no amount of attempting to pay attention to those things that don't will help; I can't just make a conscious decision to pay attention or listen to something.
It also kinda makes it problematic, because if I want to pay attention to something, I can't really properly express that I'm paying attention. My mom has mentioned that when she first tried to teach me numbers and letters I "didn't seem interested" but that awhile later I just "suddenly seemed to know them." (I refused to watch TV so I didn't learn them that way.) I'm figuring that I was interested, I just didn't show my interest correctly.
Is this true of a lot of you? If you've learned in therapy to "make eye contact" do you actually make eye contact, or just look at people's eyes?

I think I continue to have some problems with eye contact, but not any problems with attention to the extent you describe. I look into another person's eye, but according to a psychologist who saw me a couple of times, I have a gazing stare when I look someone in the eye. While looking someone in the eye, I can follow what they're saying most of the time. It's rare these days that my attention wavers in those situations. Sometimes, however, I won't feel comfortable with eye contact and then I will avoid it. In fact, it's most every day that when I talk to people at work, I'm staring at the ground or at the table for a long while, then give them a quick glance in the eye; a second or a couple of seconds, and look away again while continuing talking.

EDIT: I didn't know which option to choose on the poll. I think I bounce between the different options. I'm not a hundred percent comfortable with eye contact, but I wouldn't say it's much of a problem either.

Poll options insufficient.

Since I'm usually not comfortable looking in someones eyes, if I do make the effort what I think about while they are talking is the fact that I'm looking them in the eye and how uncomfortable I feel.

I didn't see a poll option that fit me really.

sometimes yes
mostly no

Hmm.. it looks like I can't edit the poll.. I'm not even quite sure what the missing option is..?

I can't listen to what you're saying if I have to look you in the eye at the same time. When you think I'm ignoring you, that's when I'm listening.

Does everyone else feel as I do, that the eye-contact is actually confrontational?

Well, if it helps, I think the option that best describes me is option #2: 'sometimes look into people's eyes, but don't make eye contact'. I think maybe I'll never learn 'proper' eye contact, but I can get more comfortable with looking people in the eye as years go by.

People can always explain the details of how they experience this themselves in their posts... in fact, I'd say a poll that's a little bit more difficult to vote for, inspires people to clarify themselves in posts instead of just voting and walking away.

I guess a large part of my question is for aspies who have been "trained" to look people in the eye, bullied into looking people in the eye, or learned in other ways to look at people's eyes. I was curious as to whether other people found looking at people's eyes to be counter-productive to actually paying attention to what they're saying.


That is true.



I don't think it's usually confrontational, although usually a bit uncomfortable, maybe so that it feels kinda confrontational.. Just because there's a mental connection between confrontation and being uncomfortable.. if that makes sense.
And when people get mad that you're not listening when you actually are, that kinda discourages you from listening to them, I think.

I've learnt to do supposedly 'normal' eye-contact, started out with none though. I'm looking at people's eyes I could as well be looking at a wall, no idea if eye-contact is different for others. It doesn't bother me anymore when I'm in a good situation.

However when I'm overwhelmed eye-contact is too hard and distracting and even more overwhelming to make as are others forms of contact.

In private, I still prefer to have no eye-contact mostly because I'm so used to having none and because I rather spend my attention (which is scarce anyway due to ADHD) and effort on better things than acting.

My dad insisted when I was a child, that I learn to look people in the eye when they spoke to me, along with how to give a firm handshake and say 'Yes, Sir' and "No, Ma'am" and not wear hats indoors, and all the stuff that was once considered basic civilized courtesy for children and adults alike.

He reminded me of it again when I got old enough to start job-hunting. So, it's one of those 'How to Pass for an NT' things that I can do when I need to, but it's still unnatural to me, and around friends and family I drop it (like it's hoooot ). I agree with posters comments on how distracting it is - I either feel like I'm in a staring contest, or become so involved in looking at individual facial features and feeling self-conscious, that I miss what's being said. I try to glance at whomever is talking to me once in awhile, so they know I'm still listening, usually that's enough to keep them happy.

I too, have always been better at absorbing what's being said to me when I'm not looking at the speaker. Teachers always insisted that I wasn't listening because I was drawing during lectures, but when they made me stop and watch them, all I heard was WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH. Of course, It was a problem in Math, where seeing what's being done on the board really does help illustrate what's being discussed.

Yes, that's what happens to me. When I try to make too much eye contact I start thinking of other things, like the color of the eye or hey! there's a spot in your iris! ever noticed?

It happens most with people I still don't know. When I feel more confortable with the person I stop doing this, but I probably stare "through" the person most of the time. To pay real attention I have to look in the direction of the person but not focus on her.

There's one option missing: sporadic difficulty with eye contact. That happened to me in my last job interview. I've also been in a room with 200 people and was unable to make eye contact with 1. It seems completely random.

I'll people in the eyes, but only for a second before I have to look away for awhile. I look at their mouth a lot to help understand what their saying.

I read somewhere that for NTs if someone looks at your eyes more than 60% of the time in a conversation that means their intested in you, not just what you're saying. Over 60% of the time. That's just creepy. It's like a staring contest.

My eyes dart around a lot, sampling. It does make people think I'm bored or not interested in them.

I find it difficult to make eye contact.I do once in a while though at work for a bit when I am helping a customer since every now and then the store has "mystery shoppers" who also check for eye contact.Even if it is only a few seconds of eye contact, it is better than nothing.After a while it gets less harder.I still do find it difficut though, when in prolonged conversations.

That's me. I was forced into eye contact by parents, and learned "indirect" eye contact to get by as an adult. That is, looking towards someone's eyes, but not actually meeting their gaze. Looking at people's eyes is an obstacle to communication for me. I do so much better in conversation if I stare at the ground, either while speaking or listening. If I look at the other person, my mind goes blank, and I sink into a helpless vacancy.

To be honest, making direct eye contact has always terrified me. The complex implications and endless depths of possibility contained in the expression of the eyes is just confusing and frightening. I don't know how to process all the subtle changes. It's chaotic. Too big and too much.

To get by, as I said, I will look in the general direction of peoples' faces... An old trick I learned in grade school when we had to give speeches in front of the class, and I kept getting marked off for basically non-existent eye contact. My teacher told me to focus on objects in the room... that I should at least appear to look at people, even if I was really just staring at the wall, or the desks, or a pencil or something. The idea was: make "indirect" eye contact, and it will do as a cheap but effective substitute for the real thing.

The sad part is, real people in the real world notice and don't like indirect eye contact. It must seem like I don't care about them, or am distracted, hiding something, or just not listening. That certainly would explain my total lack of friends and relationships. People want direct eye contact, and not giving it to them is seen by many as a liability.

I voted 'yes' but please disregard the word 'correctly'.