Being in denial about autism

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I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2004 at age 6, but up until a few months ago I was sort of in denial about it. I kept telling myself that I wasn't that different and it was hard to accept getting special accommodations in school because it implied that I can't do some things as well as everyone else can. I knew that autism was why I was obsessive and found socializing to be difficult, but I didn't think that it was a big deal and I rarely even thought about it. I attributed many of my failures to my own stupidity, and many of my strengths to my own genius. I assumed that my autism was very mild because I didn't match the media driven stereotype and I didn't know the full extent at which it affects my life. Every time I heard Asperger's described as a disability I got defensive because I'm not disabled and I'm not that different from everyone else, right?

A few months ago due to a complicated series of events and chain of obsessions, I found myself doing a lot of research on autism. I was amazed at how many of my behaviors it explained, including some that I didn't even know I had but later noticed like stimming and echolalia. I became a bit obsessed, and that eventually led me to this forum. I have been understanding myself and my condition much better and it has already been quite helpful. It hasn't been easy to accept everything, but it's definitely been worth it. It's nice to not just be the weirdo alone in the corner and instead be part of a community of weirdos alone in the corner, for once I am actually fitting in without acting.

I don't even know why I am posting this, I guess I just needed to say something about it. Have any of you who were diagnosed early on had a similar experience?

Well i was diagnosed when i was 13 (kind of in the middle age, not early, not late). I was in denial at first, but i came to terms with it and i now agree with the diagnosis completely. I too also sometimes think "sure im different, but THAT different? nope". But i am, and there isnt anything wrong with it.

I was diagnosed when I was only 8, which feels very young for a small girl with mild AS and very non-stereotypical for an Aspie. So many members here have never been diagnosed, while I was diagnosed so early in life. I wish I just got a diagnosis of anxiety disorder (I was very anxious as a kid), and maybe waited til I was a teenager to get officially diagnosed with AS or even ADHD, since I have a lot of ADHD symptoms.

I'm going through dx now, but I know that psychiatrists, after interview with my mum re my childhood development, questioned her along the lines of 'didn't you realise your child was different?'. She took offense because she didn't want to pathologise my difference, impairment or talent.

Now I realise that there is such a thing as neurodiversity and disability politics / theory, which help me understand myself as someone who is struggling for concrete reasons, but whose whole person does not have to be understood as a deficiency. The so-called 'social model' of disability has helped me understand that while a lot of my difficulties and difference are innate and 'non negotiable', many of my struggles come from living in a hostile and exclusionary world. I stopped thinking of disability as a dirty word or as something 'extreme'. My mother is disabled (spinal injury) and I think for years she and I understood disability as something 'physical' in the sense of 'bodily', and (implicitly) did not accept 'mental' disability as something beyond weak will. that was an ableist attitude of course, but it was hard to stop seeing my mum as the one with the 'real' disability and myself as weak or 'looking for an excuse' for my weakness.

I am glad all of you are not in denial anymore

mournerx - Your mother probably grew up in the era I did. There was a large stigma against seeing a "shrink" back then. It was thought the only legitimate reason to see one is if you were really crazy, otherwise you were rich with too much time on your hands or to lazy or weak to overcome your issues. The thought was life is rough, everybody has thier problems, do not bother anybody with your "personal s**t", figure out how to deal it.

That attitude helped me for many years until it hurt me. I had an boss suggest I was a little bit autistic in the late '90's. I thought he was trying to bully me and I remained in denial for another decade and a half.

I've been diagnosed nearly 18 years, and I still am rather in denial about it. It really does have a negative effect on me emotionally, and I just cannot tell people about it. I just feel too embarrassed about it. Giving me a long list of rich, intelligent people who might have AS does not make me feel any better about it.

I think it's because AS hasn't made me above-average intelligent, or detail-orientated, or good focus on special interests. All it's made me is a problem child, a lonely teen, and a rather slow-witted adult. So no wonder I feel so ashamed about it.

For me one thing that helped me accept my autism is my love of science. When I learned about quantum mechanics for example I set up a simple version of the double slit experiment so I could see the effects of quantum superpositions with my own eyes. I love observing something that I have learned in action.

I became a bit obsessed with autism and when I learned about some autistic tendency or behavior then I would think about if I ever did that, I wanted to see what I learned in action so I actually wanted to say that I did it. It eventually became evident just how much autism effects my life, and that's when it got a bit hard. The process is still happening to an extent.

I was diagnosed with autism 52 years ago, at about age 3.

With brain damage/injury soon afterwards in the preschool period.

I didn't know what autism was until about 1970, after watching an ad about an autistic child. At first, I thought the people were saying the word artistic. I knew a severely autistic child.

I always knew that I was weird. I never felt handicapped though. Only frustrated that I couldn't make friends like me. I was not a genius, but I knew a decent amount of facts at an early age. I used to perform what is now called info-dumping, heedless of other people's reaction to it.

I was socially inept, and made few friends. I barely graduated high school because I was not able, through possible ADD, to do things like term papers.

I did better once I got out of high school, but I was still no social butterfly. I didn't like to go out like other guys my age. I prefer staying home and watching TV/reading books. My possible ADD interfered with me accomplishing much beyond a clerical job.

I did graduate college when I was 45, though, and maintained a 3.8 GPA, despite my possible ADD. I majored in speech pathology. Some people were irritated by me because I liked to expound on things in class.

I still have Aspergian-type traits even at 55. It's obvious to many people that I'm weird/eccentric/odd, etc., though not many people think I'm autistic.

I was diagnosed when I was 2 and I am 15 now. I often find myself in periods of denial. Thinking I can do this. I don't need help with that. I figure some of that probably just has to do with being a teenager.

I was in denial between the ages 18 and 20. I didn't feel that there was anything wrong with me. I was also ticked off that I was trimming threads and taping zippers with double sided tape after being in a college job training course for two years.

When my mother first told me she suspected I was autistic, I was 17. I didn't understand much about autism beyond the "nonverbal rocking in the corner" stereotype at the time, and so was quite angry that she would think I could possibly be that "broken". After almost a year of her refusing to drop the subject however, I started to do some research, and came to understand that I really was autistic by the time I was about 18. At 21 I finally managed to get officially diagnosed, and these days it's something I think about on occasion, and speak out about when necessary, but I don't make a massive deal about it, nor do I feel ashamed of who I am or wish I could be NT. I do still wish I could have been diagnosed earlier, like at age eight when my mother first noticed there was something different about me and discovered the autism label, but I'm just grateful I didn't have to wait until I was middle aged and wondering why I was failing at life before I found out I had autism.

I am going to elaborate on this a bit, because it's an interesting story.

I find myself doing a lot of driving because my 13 year old brother is in college and he is not old enough to drive himself there. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he became a multi millionaire CEO or something, but that's beside the point. The drive to the college is rather long, so one day last December I decided to turn on the radio and there was this talk show on that I got into listening to daily, which is not to say that I agreed with everything they said.

The stuff it talked about was quite pseudoscientifical at times and once they even talked about how they thought that autism was over-diagnosed and that Asperger's shouldn't be considered a disorder. Had I known more about it at the time I would have called in and clarified some things, but again that's beside the point. One thing they talked about was a psychic ability that people can allegedly do called remote viewing, and although skeptical I was intrigued because supposedly anyone can learn to do it. My research eventually lead me to astral projection which is supposedly the act of temporarily leaving your body, although I learned that it could be adequately explained my it being a lucid dream.

That made my obsession shift into lucid dreaming near the beginning of January, and it sounded awesome so I started learning to do it. I got to the point where I could induce them easily, but they didn't last long and that's still where I'm at now because I haven't really worked on it much. During this time I had a thought, "I wonder if Asperger's has some effect on lucid dreaming.". I knew that I had it, I didn't know much about it, and it is possible that it may affect dreaming in some way. It turns out that it has no direct effects on dreaming except that the dreams are more about things and less about people, and the only way it effects lucid dreaming is that autistic obsessiveness makes one more persistent and more likely to succeed.

After that I decided to do a bit more research on Asperger's and autism because I realized how little I knew. I started doing some reading online, that eventually lead me to Wrong Planet, and now here I am no longer in denial of my autism.