Help -WHO AM I??. NT, NT/AS, AS, Away with the fariy's????

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OMG I am so confused right now, I feel so lost I dont know if I am me, or an actor living in a play. I came on this site to find about AS as a means of trying to save our marriage. I call myself NTish, then angrammed AS/NT became STAN. My husband is clearly AS. He scored very high in DX? test re; friendship, relationships and empathy. This did not supprise me as these traits are part of our relationship problems. Also validated why I kind of visulise him in a bubble or sufficating in a cloak. I have been trying to set him free from this for years. I now know why i didn't suceed.
I am currently off sick, shingles and a depression that rose like a demon. I have never felt so low and worthless as I do right now. I spend most of the day doing little else other than searching this site looking for answers, but know only I know the answer, but if I dont know who I am how will I ever know the answer. Does that make sense to anyone.
Anyway I am on a journey of searching for the real me. This has evolved from trying to do something positive to save our marriage. As my AS husband ignores my attempts to find out what he wants from his life, and telling me he cant "work" with me because of his AS. So I am left to figure it out on my own.
oops! that was supposed to be a short prelude. I now think I may have AS. When I first took the test it was unlikley I have AS, but likley I have dylexia. During the search for the real me I took the test again and answered nearer the real me and it came out very likely I have AS. Now I am thinking have I developed AS ways by being with someone for 14 years, or do I really have AS. The more I think about it the more it seems to fit, then it contradicts. Anyway, while soul searching I have gone over my past again and again. This is what I have uncovered,
and is it AS. Grateful for any thoughts.

1) As a child I had the same feeling that I wasn't me. Though think I did when at home with family. I hid secrect's i.e had pet mice, made tunnels in my coat and took them to school.
2) I was the most intellegent person at infant/ junior school (age 5-11). It frustrated the teachers and me that I could read 3 years higher than my peers.
3) One teacher said she felt uncomfortable as I stared at her. I was just concentrating, wanted to learn as much as possible. (partly my competitave nature with older sister).
4) I hate my name, it doesn't "fit" me. I will change it if I outlive my mother).
5) I could not understand the point of toys.
6) I hate girly things, fiction books...pretty dresses ugh
7)I did and still do take things apart to see how they work, or to try and fix something
my ring finger is longer than my index finger. I am an old tomboy, one of the lads.
9) I can think of unusual and different ways to problem solve, (and usually do)
I0) I need to understand everything to understand a part of something other wise it does not make sense. example, at work asked to call someone to ask a question. I absolutley have to know what led to the question. I am then prepared if they ask me something back.
11) Sometimes scared of the phone, feel intruded and anxious, same with someone at the door. I often keep blinds closed and hide.
12) I need my own space. Wanted to by a home that could be made into two flats before AS was even considered
13) I am overy sensative to sensations. don't like the feel of hair on my face. hair is dead stuff, comfort overrides everything I wear. I dont worry about what people think, lighting is fine tuned to get it comfortable and relaxing. cant bear flouresent lighting, rooms have to have a balanced feel, I hate the sound of grand prix, football commentry, if someone has a voice that irratates I have to get away while inside I'm screaming SHUT THE F**K UP. I hate loud agressive music, esp when there is so much background noise you can barley hear the singer.
14) I try to avoid weddings like the plague. Ghastly Why would someone want to spend so much money on one day, and so false. Not nice.
A few examples that may /maynot be AS.
I am aware I am going on and on and even if no-one answers, it is helping me to answer my question.
Now I have some very NT Traits. (browser rearranged here)
1) I am good at judging peoples moods, reading faces and body launguage
2) I am overly empathetic, generaly put myself in someones shoes and know thier pain, fear and want to put things right for them. Funny I cant do this with happy emotions
13) I feel anxious when someone is angry, I have to get away (btw the dog picks this up too)
14) I flick my fingers with my thumb.
15) I have trouble remembering faces and names.
16) I procastrinate +++++++
17) I get anxious before social occasions. alcohol fixes this quite well.
18) I am anxious writing this, concious about spelling
I appear to be confident, usually OK talking/discussing things at work, or with people I know well. I am a people pleaser which goes against AS ways. Now I'm thinking this is not me, this is what I act out.
My browser keeps closing and moving text about so will post now before I lose it.
Thank you to anyone who bothered reading this to the end.

Vee

I see AS traits but somethings listed I don't really understand... how do weddings have anything to do with having Asperger's Syndrome or not?

Also, look at this and see how you fit:

Hugs. Get outside and get some fresh air girl, it'll make you feel better.

I'm thinking of going for a fairy-based self-diagnosis myself. I feel there's a section missing from the spectrum - a gap between neurotypical and Aspergers.

Anyways, sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread.

Vee, it really sounds like you could benefit from a professional diagnosis. There are a lot of people on here who have gone through it that can give you recommendations for approach.

Hi Vee,

I recognise a lot of my own traits and behaviours in your list. Although whereas you flick your fingers with your thumb, I flick my thumb with my fingers!

My son has a diagnosis of Asperger's and I'm pretty much convinced that my husband (we've been separated for two years) is also on the Spectrum. Before my son was referred to the Autism Team for assessment I knew pretty much nothing about autism, and found very quickly after coming on-line and participating in parents' forums here and on AFF, that I seemed to have much in common with the autistic people I met on-line.

Since my son's diagnosis, my parents have said several times that they think I also might have Asperger's. Before his diagnosis they said he couldn't be autistic as he was so like me as a child!

Anyway, after much swithering, I went to my GP about a month ago and asked him to refer me for an assessment for autism. He agreed to this, and now I'm waiting for an appointment.

To be honest, I'm not entirely convinced that I will get a diagnosis, but I feel that I do need to go through the assessment process. I'm not sure what it will involve in my area, but I feel it will be helpful to talk to someone who has experience in the area of adult diagnosis. On a practical level, it won't make any difference to me, but I like to be definate about things, and self-diagnosis simply isn't for me.

you all have given me lots to reflect on. I will ponder and post back where I figure I where I'm at.
Re weddings, dont know what its got to do with AS or NT issues. I just hate them because:
BTW, This is about people who are not seeking God's blessing, or only want to use thier reliegon for one day.

It's not easy to say no to someone you care about special day. They are likley to have been planning it for at least a year with millatry precesion.

They can go on all day.

You cant turn up in jeans and trainers.

You are compelled to speak to people you dont know, like or irratate you.

I just dont get the whole concept. Why??

Someone else has decided who you will sit with. (I esp hate that bit)

It feels false.

The avarege wedding costs £20,000 - £30, 000. Get hitched at registery office, give that money to charity, and go to the pub with your close friends and family for bangers and mash.

If i was AS, I could have any issue with dead flower's.

am I on my own here???

Vee