Does this happen to you?

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I have a myspace and a facebook account. I keep them so I have the illusion of friends I think, because it appears I don't really have close friends at all.

I've found that when people update their status on facebook, other people respond including me sometimes... but no one ever addresses what I wrote. Yet they do address other people. Its almost like other people get a back and forth conversation going and as soon as I try to say something it gets overlooked.

Even when I write my own status messages, no one usually replies to mine.

It used to happen in school, when I'd finally say something to add something to a conversation..and the other people would stop talking, look at me like I was weird.. and then continue their own conversation like I wasn't there. As if I was never invited to their closed little group of people... but they were supposed to be my friends, and we were all standing together, so I assumed I could share too.

I'm on peoples facebooks, so I assume that my contributing is ok.. yet it gets ignored too.
At what point do I ignore it.. and at what point do I say enough is enough and just delete them? I mean, even with fake online friendships... aren't you supposed to fake it a little?

Ugh.

On a NY trip me and my sister chatted and had fun etc. but when the the family friend came (really my older sister's friend) I fealt alone and not part of any conversation sadly.

I get that a lot.

When I was at uni, I was popular, which surprised me. I spent a lot of time tutoring, getting notes, doing catch-up sessions, talking through essay titles and pre-seen exam questions... the night before the last exam I had to pull the phone out of the socket because people were just calling constantly! What time is the exam, where is the exam, what's the answer to... (And this was English Lit, so all the questions were interpretative - we'd had the paper about a month in advance)

After that, nothing. Nobody writes, or calls, or says let's have a beer...

My Facebook is a lot quieter than it was now I've got rid of all the people who totally ignored me and only ever used it to bug me for study help.

I know you didn't ask for speculation as to why this is, but...

Is it possible that your comments and statuses are simply not understood in the broader context? It could be something like making a play on words or other type of association that's obvious to you but to no one else. Or maybe you are trying to solve a problem when the person was only looking for sympathy?

It's also possible that you're just not on very many friends' feeds, particularly with something like facebook.

Oh speculation as to why this happens is always welcome!

I try to be supportive when the situation asks for it. With facebook and myspace its easier because I can choose when to "try to be NT" and when not to. If I haven't got it in me that day, I just don't respond.

Judging from the responses other people give, and the answer back the OP gives... it seems maybe like I just don't have enough history with anyone? I'm that forgettable girl in high school I'm afraid. People always guess that I was the popular attractive one, and give me the weirdest looks when I try to explain I wasn't popular at all. In fact.. I'm not sure anyone from my graduating class even remembers me. They certainly didn't befriend me at all.

I think somehow I lack the ability to make those types of friendships. I don't have any other explanation as to why my husband can make friends with the neighbors in just a few months, and I seem to tread water at the same level of friendship. (like, not moving from neighbor to FRIEND.. just sorta staying at the stage where you nod and say hi in passing.... my husband has the male neighbors cellphone number, but I don't have his or his wifes... that sorta thing.)

I am sarcastic a lot. I try not to be overly annoying with it, but its just how my sense of humor is I guess. Awkward silences are not my thing because I always assume that I'm the one that is supposed to be saying something at that moment and I'm messing it up. So I usually defer to humor somehow. But all this shouldn't BE an issue online, but yet SOMETHING is an issue.

I'm just having trouble figuring out in which way I'm screwing up this time.

Social networks, especially on-line, aren't very sincere. One good friend is worth a thousand 'Friends'.

I like to go out with friends and just watch and listen to them talk. It amazes me the way they keep conversation going with a rhythm and everyone saying things at just the right time, and it's obvious that there isn't any filter between the brain and the mouth <grin>, but it all works with blazing analog efficiency.

I say things from time to time, but I've become comfortable being quiet. When I say things it usually breaks the cadence and I can tell people are stopping to think what to say next, but they seem to enjoy what I contribute.

I started explaining to my friends that I'm aspie and what that means, and pointing out situations, like social settings, where I'm weird. So far they've all been surprised, thought about it, and said something like: "Wow, I never noticed. I just thought you were a little shy/quiet/spacey/distracted".

I'm not the first person they think of when they want to go out for a beer, and I probably wouldn't answer the phone, and I would make an excuse anyway ...<grin>

But they are my friends, and they like doing things with me, and I can count on them if I need help with anything.

yeah, i get that alot and never really understood it much.

you can add me on myspace and facebook though and i'll talk and respond all the livelong day if it's any consolation. unlike most people i tend to respond regardless if even though i don't really initiate alot of conversation

If you are trying to be sarcastic online, that's really tough because no one can hear your tone of voice when you write.

Also, you may be right about people not really remembering you. I have a tendency to interact with those who are closer to me that I've seen somewhat recently. This is particularly true if the status is something transient such as, "FP went to the store today." There's just not a whole lot you can comment on. If it's something a bit more clever, such as, "FP noticed that his success at raising his son is inversely proportional to his success at gardening this year," that's a little more open for comment.

I'll go you one better - I made what I thought was a humorous comment on a friend's post (someone I haven't been around in years, but who was very close at one point in my life), and he deleted it. No comment, no reason, just five minutes after I posted it - it's gone. Ouch!I had no idea it might offend anybody, it was just a joke.

But I know the phenomenon you're referring to - My daughter set up my FB account so I could keep in touch with her at school. At first I heard from several people I went to high school with in another state - it felt kinda nice for a few days, until they all went on chatting and commenting on each others' lives and vapid, pointless posts and none of them have ever said another word to me. I think they only remembered me in the first place because my name was in the yearbook. I check it every other day or so, just to see what's up with my daughter, and all those shallow NT 'friends' are gabbing their heads off at each other. No one ever says boo to me.

I don't really mind - I'm not interested in their day trips to the beach, or what mixed drink they had last night, nor do I have any interest in helping them work their cyber-farm, and I'd feel like a moron sending someone an online 'hug' or 'smile'. It's just interesting how even in cyberspace I'm still the same wallflower I was as a teenager.

So I guess this means I'm not the only one. I've recently connected with some people I knew when I lived in another town.They knew how messed up I was so if they PM me and ask me how I am and I PM them back and tell them I've overcome a lot and they don't respond is it because I was too real about the specifics of my problems? There has been only one person I felt like I could pick up where I left off (after 10 years) and knowing what I know now I think he is a classic extroverted social Aspie. Some of these people I was very close to. One used to call me at 3 a.m. to cry on my shoulder. Go figure.

And there lies my problem I guess. Most people with Asperger's I've found on here are more like you. They have friends. Even if their social communication isn't always the best, they've found good friends that stick with them. I've never found that.


Fiddlerpianist, you might be right about the sarcasm, though I try to use smilies like everyone else does to try to help convey the message. (even though I hate smilies for some reason.) I don't tend to do "DD going to the store" type of updates. Mine are usually more thoughtful than that. At least I think so, though I'm probably biased.


Willard, yikes. That had to have stung just a little bit. When I joined facebook I added some people from high school because it seemed like what I was supposed to do. Everyone accepted my friend request readily, but no one wrote to me. There were "OMFG! I haven't seen you in ages!" posts to others, and of course the groups of friends that are still friends now. But no one wrote to me like that. I ended up deleting them, because I realized I didn't care what they were talking about or writing about, and it was obvious they didn't care if I even existed. Rejection all over again.

Aimless, I would guess you probably spilled it all too much and too soon. I know I've been told I do that sometimes. But why am I giving advice? I obviously shouldn't be. LOL

Don't mind the depressive tone in my replies tonight, I guess I do still long for some friendships even when I fool myself into thinking I don't need any. Aside from my husband, there is no one else that calls on a bad day and no one I can sit and drink coffee with at the beach. I wish it didn't bother me. I wish it wasn't a constant feeling of rejection, like the endless halls of high school over and over again every single day.

Dragonfly Dreams wrote:

[quote]Aimless, I would guess you probably spilled it all too much and too soon. I know I've been told I do that sometimes. But why am I giving advice? I obviously shouldn't be. LOL
[quote]

I know-it's a compulsion or maybe a hangover from years and years of therapy. It's ironic though that they are people I used to know very well and used to tell me some extremely personal things about themselves.

Last edited by Aimless on 18 Aug 2009, 7:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I really haven't added any of the people that I used to go to school with, because I already know that they're just going to all talk around me like they used to in school. I'm sure that they all remember me just fine. I was the super, quiet dork that one day had a nervous breakdown, and refused to go back to school. Depending on who you were to ask in the small town that I grew up in, which story you'd get about what kind of crazy that I went. I really have no desire to talk to any of them now.

Sometimes, I wish that I had friends too to go out and do things with. I do have a lot of good on-line friends, though, mostly aspies. I know that they'll always treat me with respect, and not judge me. My facebook has mostly people that I've never met, but many of them mean a lot more to me than the people that I have met in my past.

Dragonfly_Dreams: I have friends now because I'd made a lot of adaptations, and developed friends over a long period of time. When I was younger I didn't have friends most if the time, even though I was reasonably social. There was nobody from high school and only one person from college that I had any interest in keeping in touch with.

Aimless: When I was younger I wouldn't even answer scripted questions like "how are you", because the only allowable answer was "fine, thank you, how are you". So what was the point of even answering. But of course the point is to go through the NT social ritual, as an accommodation to their Special Needs, so they don't think you're just a freak. But I've learned you can slip one small piece of actual information into the answer, or immediately after. Things along the lines of, "I'm fine, except for getting over this cold. How are you?", or "Great. I just found out I have Asperger's Syndrome. How are you doing?". It works because it's short, and you cap it off and move on to the meaningless question back. They can make a token response, or invite you to share more information without feeling pressured into it.

I joined facebook and added dozens of people and all that, but i never understood why i had to blab about what i had for breakfast or send somebody a virtal smile/hug thingy. I just stopped going on after a while... come to think of it, I can't remember my password for that thing at all. oh well. haven't been on in a year.

As a teenager, I have a Facebook and all that jazz, but no one ever talks to me or responds to me on it. I'm not sure why I continue to check it regularly, considering it's just everyone else's "I'M GETTING HAMMERED!!!111!!1" posts. It's a little sad, I suppose, not having any close friends, but I've gotten fairly used to it.