Wanting to lash out?

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This post is a bit introspective, but I wanted to know if I'm not alone in how I feel. I haven't explained, so I will do that now.

I am a male with P.D.D-NOS, Pervasive Developmental Disorder not otherwise specified. Basically my autism does not fit one set category, it has all different kinds of traits. But I consider myself most akin to someone with Asperger's Syndrome.

Well anyways, I have a very passive personality, and I'm more or less introverted. I can deal with hanging out with people just fine, it doesn't bother me that much, unless the person appears to be potentially dangerous.

Like all of you, I've had to deal with neurotypicals on a regular basis. It is just the way things are some people are autistic, some are not. Neurotypicals are great to be around and hang out with AS LONG as they are pleasant and friendly. But when they become angry, aggressive, or arrogant, their demeanor becomes a rather unnerving ordeal.

When neurotypicals become angry or aggressive towards me, I ALWAYS have a panic attack. It is that "fight or flight instinct" you hear about it psychology, where your body pumps adrenaline through your bloodstream to give you enough energy to flee from an assumed danger, or to attack it. When I have a panic attack, it is like I short circuit, like a robot splashed with water. I feel extremely light and loose, like I have no strength in my muscles. My breath becomes shallow, and I kind of go into an anxious trance. It takes about 5-10 minutes to finally relax and calm down.

Because of these little panic attacks, I can't stand up for myself and confront people who treat me badly. I don't get treated poorly on a regular basis, it usually happens in rare occurrences at work when dealing with angry/hateful customers.

However, I often find myself wanting the capacity of anger and to some extent, hatred, that neurotypicals naturally have at their disposal and take for granted. I know this sounds bad, but I feel I'm a victim because I can't fight back because I feel my autism traps me into being passive. I often wish I had their characteristics because I could stand up to people and not feel threatened. Let's face it, when people are rude or hateful towards you, you SHOULD be able to stand up for yourself and tell them that their behavior is inappropriate without fearing retribution. You SHOULD be able to butt heads with someone who is trying to cause you emotional or physical pain or distress. If you are passive, some people will use you and cause you harm because of your non confrontational nature. They know you are scared and won't fight them back.

I know anger and hate are bad things, but if you've been submissive/passive all your life, you want to avenge all the injustices that have been perpetrated against you. You want people to know that you won't be pushed over and intimidated, and that you WILL fight back if they push the issue. That's what I've been feeling, and that is the thing I desire. I often feel hopeless, because there is nothing I can do to change my circumstance, I feel I've been formed into being a pacifist, a passive weakling who can't fight back against injustice.

Do any of you feel the same way? Or is it just me?

I have been accused of being passive and (now I understand) that "passive" is why many people thought that they could talk down to me or use me in the "we're friends" kind of way.

However, I think I have a bit of both, the passive and the aggressive. Since I can't pick up on nonverbal clues (trust me, this is a guarantee), I really don't understand what people want from me when they get cross. I usually just stare at them until it peters out and they end up stalking off, disgusted. My feelings are hurt after when I finally figure out what the hell had just happened, and then I want justice. Too late. I've now trained myself to deflect confrontations by asking questions, like "Why are you (insert here)?" or "Is there something wrong?"

Conversely, I can explode like a bomb. Few examples:

7th Grade, I was in charge of collecting the pretzel money and handing out pretzels and I needed change from the teacher in charge of the pretzel-thing and I couldn't figure out the math correctly (and I have never been good at math--I now know that it is a result of my NLD) and no teacher would help me because I was the "smart" kid (except in math). So I spent the next two hours trying to figure out the math for the change. And while I was doing that, a boy came up to me, leaned over (because I was sitting down) and yelled at me, "Give me my money!" I yelled back, "Get out of my face!"

8th Grade, one of my classmates said something derogatory to me, my mind blanked out, and suddenly I had cleared the few feet between us (not really remembering how) and I had him by the collar of his shirt, bent backwards and screaming in his face (that's the best way I can put it because I don't remember what I said, I just remember the noise).

There are other examples, but I'll digress. I have yet to have a panic attack, but I have hyperventilated while doing dissections in Biology Labs. Does that count?

maybe you could try going into the military, you will get used to someone shouting in your face XD.

TB, I've thought about it, but I would more than likely yell back at the Drill Sergeant and that would make life more miserable than it already is (even more so because I'm in the insanely restrictive military); however, I believe that the orderliness of military life would fit well with my OCness.

I am not generally passive, but I do get anxious with some people who act like a jerk to me. in these situations I do wish I could be more conforonting with them.

I overreact to nastiness nowadays, because I was such a sucker all my life, what with my not having a clue about anything that was unsaid and believing all the theoretical moral lessons that people dish you to get you to do whatever suits their hidden agendas. I hope to be cleansed after a few years so I won't have all these reservoirs of anger. I think it's getting better. But I have 40+ years to avenge, and it's only been 6 years since I woke up from my sucker slumber, and gradually for the first couple years.

"sucker slumber"


I like it

You mean the wording, not the phenomenon...

@AutisticMalcontent, I have the same fight or flight reaction as you, but I tend to react with anger instead of panic.

I have the adrenalin reaction, like you. But I get aggressive and dangerous rather than panicked and withdrawn.

My "emotional reaction time" is very slow, and my emotional bandwidth very limited. So I can take days to weeks to realize I have been insulted, attacked, or abused. But when the realization hits, I feel it, sometimes quite deeply.

My reactions depend on a couple of factors. First, do I need or want to deal with the person again? If no, eliminate person from my life. Cut off contact and refuse to respond. This has had a surprisingly powerful effect on several NTs, since apparently NTs do not easily grasp or cope with this behavior. Many ruminate over it for months or years. I'm not sure why. I guess it's an NT "feature/bug".

If I do need to deal with the person again, I develop protocols for contact. These can be as simple as a couple of rules regarding allowed topics of conversation, or as complex as a flowchart that I write out to guide me in the interaction. I have one family member who is very good at insulting me, but I am not prepared to cut off. I had a complex protocol for a while, but reduced it to two simple rules: 1) Let this person do most of the talking; 2) do not discuss anything related to my life as an Aspie. So far this is working reasonably well. It will likely fail sooner or later, at which point I may cut off all contact.