bad day, bad mood

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My loneliness is getting to me now that the separation plans are taking form. Aside from my family, I have no one to really talk to. I feel isolated and at the same time I have no desire to mingle with 99,9% of the people in the world. I long for a real connection again, like I used to have with my hubby, that we're trying to get back by living apart.

Everything irritates me right now. The baby is whining, the other one screams as soon as something doesn't go his way. I've put on earprotectors, but my head's still sore. I feel like lashing out as soon as they touch me or talk to me. I should call someone but as I mentioned, I don't have many people to call and anyway, they would just irritate me. This place is a mess and I don't wanna clean it up because it'll get messy again in five minutes.

I should meditate and try to reclaim some inner calm but how the h*ll do you do that with two little squawkers in the house who insist on pestering me a each other and resort to violence when they don't get their way?

huh, no sympathy for me tonight I guess. fits well with the general scheme.

I know the feeling. It's very difficult. I've locked myself into my bedroom before just to get 10 minutes of alone time, and let all hell break loose essentially while I was in there. Of course, it was a mess when I came back out, but I didn't feel like killing anyone after that, so I think it was for the better.

"Hej, ska du inte känna dig övergiven, det finns folk här som omsorg och se din tråd. Ge det bara lite tid och man hoppas på fler svar, så bli inte alltför ledsen väntan..."

Hey, please do not feel yourself abandoned, there is people here that care and see your thread. Just give it some time and there will hopefully be more replies, so do not get too sad while waiting, okay.

Dont you have somebody near you, like your parents or a friend who can take on the kids for a day or some hours giving you the rest you need?
Or do you miss to have a local friend to meet and chat with and get away from all this with sometimes?

Anyway, its hard to be a good advice here as Im neither in bad relationship or have kids. But Im prepared to listen to you what you have in your mind and what you wish, miss and have lack of
Sometimes it can help to just write and spit it out, getting some responses and know at least somebody is reading it even if not having the same experiences....

I think some practical help would be better than sympathy. Is there nobody to help for an hour or two.You sound a bit down,I think everyone should have some time to theirself,

Thinking further what you can do...

The chance you get with time on your own is after the children went to bed. You can take a smooth relax in the bathtub (if having such) or watch a good movie you like, that can inspire you and let you get away for a while in your mind...or if possible, do some basic cleaning while kids are around and take your rare short moments to do things that can give you positive energy......

I think meditating is a really good idea, if even just for a few moments. The children pick up on the stress I've learned over time, and will act up even more if they are picking it up from mommy more than anyone else.

Questions before locking yourself in your room for alone time:

Do you think they'd make it to killing one another by the end of 10 minutes?
Do you think they would physically harm one another badly enough to be seriously worried about leaving them?

I always felt bad about leaving my kids alone for a bit to take time for myself, and didn't do so for a VERY long time. I just recently started doing things for myself, and taking time before reaching breaking point, when I could feel it building up... and while it took them a while to adjust, they are used to it now. Neither of them has ever killed one another, they are greeted nicely with a calmer, happier mommy, and I'm able to focus on things like cleaning the house afterward... which I'm sure is adding to your stress.

Or, if they are driving you too nuts, throw all of your frustration/energy into the cleaning. It'll help work some of it off at least, and will make things look more orderly, so will be easier to deal with the smaller stuff happening. Kind of like chipping away at the mountain when angry, then when it's just a couple of rocks left... okay, nevermind, that was a stupid analogy. It'll feel better even if you are cleaning simply because you are frustrated to look around and be able to say "look what I got done", and will give you something to feel a little better about most likely.

Just some ideas.

I feel much better seeing your replies I did actually put my frustration into cleaning, but I have to admit I was still cursing under my breath at the kids. I don't get a lot of time for myself, but I've started taking some just recently. The 4-yearold spends the day at a daycare but the toddler is always with me. I usually try to catch my breath when he naps, but this week I've had to spend all my free time on a take-home exam, which is due today, so I'm gonna do some more work at the last minute.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only mom who locks herself in. I've actually done that, but the kids get scared and start crying and then I feel like a terrible mom and start crying to and we're all bawling together, but when that's happened we actually all calmed down afterwards.

I guess I'm still waiting for the storm to pass. This summer I got my diagnosis, my grandfather died, I'm arranging a separation for myself and my parents are splitting up. It's all too much to handle at once I think.


Thanks for the Swedish reply. though it was slightly disordered I got the jist of it I guess I get frustrated with the time zones, I think most people post in the afternoon and evenings so I'm probably out for the night when all the Americans post.

I feel better now it's morning. My anxiety peaks in the evenings. Again, thank you for taking the time to reply.

No problem, and remember, as long as they aren't going to kill one another, a few minutes away from you for them can be good as well. Even as toddlers they begin to develop some sense of independence-they won't stray far, but they do start straying usually.

I've developed some horrible habits with my 5 year old that I've kind of allowed to happen over time with my daughter. She sleeps in my bed still, tries to climb on me non-stop when we have company over... just some normal obnoxious behaviors, but she is still very much a mommy's girl. I wish I'd realized it's okay to take "me time" no matter how much they scream and cry when it comes to that point. It's fight or flight, as they say... and for the kids, flight is usually the better (if I interpret the idiom correctly), because fight... well, mommy lashing out about everything that happens isn't really a good thing either.

I'm glad that our responses could help somewhat, I am sorry they weren't sooner. I was actually reading your post for the first time when my dentist rang and reminded me of when my appointment was (had half hour to get there and a 5 year old to get dressed), so didn't take the time. I do know how stressful it is and how lonely and miserable it feels to not get a response "right now", though, because when you post, it's usually about breaking point as it is, so it's a waiting game to get support from thereon out... and it's rough. Especially when you have 2 kids screaming in your face and you don't know what to do with yourself.

Maybe pick out one of their favorite shows and stick them in front of it next time before it gets too bad... grab them some snacks or something to drink, and take 5 here and there during the half hour or hour they are entertained, or some favorite toys and whatnot. Put them in a special spot, along with whatever you need for your own time. When you feel yourself getting stressed out, just pull out the stuff, get them situated, and give yourself a breather before it starts up too badly.

It sure is a lot to deal with all at once.

I went through that stage too, when my ex decided he didn't want to bother parenting. I had a full time job, a 3 year old and an 8 year old, and had just started grad school. I had massive bills to pay so the kids could be in daycare and I could work, and my ex didn't want to help out financially. I think he got a rush out of pushing me into destitution. he turned people against me, too, so I couldn't get a babysitter on no-school days so I could work. my little one also suffered horrible separation anxiety because my ex effectively abandoned her and sort of forgot he had 2 kids for a couple of years while he obsessed over my son.

finding time alone was a valuable thing and helped me to not go off the deep end. it's gotten a lot easier as the kids have gotten older. my son had rough times before/during his NLD dx and I eventually had to let him go live with is dad because his dad was working him over emotionally so he was too much of a mess to even go to school. naturally it sucks for him to have to live there now, but at least that emotional blender had its blades broken when the fantasy life turned out to be a real life of parental neglect. the little one is 8 now and sharp as a tack, also ADHD which tires me out but she's very conscientious so I can tell her I'm going to melt down and need to spend a little time by myself and she gives me space. being on disability has helped as well, since I'm not worn to the bone trying to juggle the impossible tasks or parenting and working. school for me is on hold until family court stuff is resolved again (my case is a veritable merry-go-round).

it's a big transition and hard on the kids when parents are stressed out. I didn't know I had AS and would melt down regularly over my ex's head games, which effected the kids terribly (and gave my ex the sense of power he craves) but now I just get irritated at him when he's a dick and am able to shrug it off, so things are a lot better all around.

all I can say is it gets better. the kids need to know you're ok. if you're ok, they feel more secure. so be ok for them, and put them to bed early enough that you get a couple of solid hours to yourself every evening to wind down. drink a glass or two of wine, chain-smoke, read... whatever you need to do to get back on track and relaxed after the day.

Ingen fara. Allt kommer att bli bra.

That being said, having children isn't for everyone. Myself, it would probably be one of the greatest mistakes in my life if it happened... luckily there's not much chance of that.

Yeah that makes sense, its too much for you at the moment for sure. Just try not to collapese and think so much. well Im not so much good help here
* I keep edit and delete all the time what I write* and I admit Im uncertain but care
You got better replies from others who is also parents....
And sorry for that twisted swedish line. Its Google Translator and I was lazy to make it look good but I can make it look better
I hope your exam of today went succesful and that you will find the results as useful in the future!

bhetti: I'm sorry your ex is an ass. Our separation is an attempt to save our relationship before we wear each other to a frazzle. He's just moving down the street. I think once the strain of living together is gone we'll probably get along better.

henriksson: I didn't use to think I was supposed to have kids either, and at that time I probably wasn't. Things change though Most people rise to the challenge when they have kids, it's a truly perspective-altering experience. But you're still a bit on the young side aren't you? Better to wait.

xalepax: I love those translation-thingies. It's even better if you translate it back and forth a few times. Makes me think maybe there's a career in translation after all, since these things are rather inadequate.

that's good, so the kids can spend time with him maybe while you go isolate once he's moved? or go spend the night at his house? you sound like you're worn out.

my current husband (sounds weird to say current, as if husbands just come and go) is also AS and has a lower tolerance for kid noise than I do. he has an office in an outbuilding so disappears out there for decompression time when he needs it.

we all need some time and space.

and yeah Henriksson, some people shouldn't have kids. like my ex, obviously, since he doesn't feel like supporting them and seems to be incapable of empathizing with them. a lot of women shouldn't have kids because they'll end up destitute in their senior years because of our stupid SSA policies which has built in heavy penalties for being a stay-at-home parent, especially for women. and a lot of people shouldn't have kids because they're too stupid to realize kids need looking after.

perhaps I shouldn't have had kids either given how difficult it's been to provide for them, but I love my kids more than my own life so even though sensory overload sometimes makes it difficult to be a mom, at least I've prioritized my life to make my children's important enough to make sacrifices for. if everyone asked themselves if they're willing to do that before they have kids, then probably a lot fewer people would have them (as long as they're capable of understanding that children are not able to raise themselves). also, probably more men would actively avoid having kids if they were expected to provide equal time in raising them instead of being free to come and go as they please and let the mom handle raising the kids while they pursue their career (not meaning to slight the men who've stayed with the kids when baby mommas have walked out, it's just there are a lot fewer of you than there are of me).

sorry to take it off-topic, but I get in a snit over woulda/shoulda/coulda's, sometimes. my mother was a crappy parent and so is my ex. there are no take-backs once you have a kid. I've been a full-time parent for 5 years with very short breaks (short as in an overnight break) once or twice a year. my goal is for my kids to grow up self-confident and self-sufficient. I will doggedly pursue that goal until they are.

yeah the idea is they'll be with him some of the time, and then we'll spend some time at each other's places. if it all works out. it's evening again, so i'm back in my pessimistic mood. funny how i used to think i was an evening person.

the kids are all done with ice-cream, it's time for bed. the little one is a right mess.

I'm a total night person but not since kids. I'm usually completely tapped by 8pm. that's why a consistent and early bedtime for little ones is so important!