Advice on introducing Asperger to friend

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Hi all,

I'm new to the realm of Asperger and for the last 2 weeks have been reading up websites and books to understand more about it. I have an adult friend who matches the Asperger profile but I'm not sure if he was ever diagnosed or even aware such a condition existed. I see his longing for a better social life; but at the same time his dispair and dissapointment in life. I feel his pain and frustration and I want to do what I can to improve that. I feel that giving him the knowledge of Asperger may help him develop addition skills to cope with people around him.

But then I'm at a loss in how to approach the topic. Obviously I don't want him to feel rejected or offended. I completely accept him as a whole but there are skills he could learn to work with others better. What advice you can give me as to how and when to give him the message; and if there are any thing I need to be careful of? Will this knowledge indeed help him in life, or just add more trouble and worry for him?

Thanks in advance.

Try to give him an aspie-test "just for the fun of it", and see how he scores.

Agreed with the quiz, here is the link: www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

It's a little tricky, because adult aspie denial can be really intense. He may or may not be open to the idea.

Whether he is actually aspie or not, he might benefit from insights from the discussions here. It could give him a broader range of ideas to bounce around, different perspectives to use as mirrors.

I was introduced to the topic when my wife emailed me a link to a Webarticle on Asperger Syndrome, with a header that read: Read This, It Sounds Like You. Boy, did it! Turns out, it was her 22yo daughter who'd sent it to her. I can't speak for your friend, but I wasn't offended by it. I didn't rush out seeking a diagnosis, either (it actually seemed so obvious to me that I fit the profile, I didn't feel the need to have it validated at the time - though that changed later).

I don't think it would destroy a friendship to just send him an article introducing the subject and saying "This made me think of you" - even if he doesn't see the connection, he might be mildly offended, but as long as you don't push it, he'll get over it. Sometimes these things just take a little time to sink in. Sometimes they never do. Give it a shot.

Oh, BTW, if he is indeed an Aspie, I wouldn't expect any major changes in social skills even if he embraces the idea wholeheartedly. AS is an atypical brain function. You can't unlearn it. Its physical. If your friend is over 25 years old, his social skills are probably about what they're going to be for the rest of his life.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses.

The quiz is a good idea. I was going to introduce him to this forum but was worried he would get defensive and/or offended (denial and what not). I tried slipping in questions about Autism and he wasn't very interested. He definitely is aware of his uniqueness and even said he feels special to be unique.

If like you said, his social behavior isn't likely to change, is there even a point to let him know about AS? I personally wouldn't want him to change any way. I love every part of it and it makes me feel right at home being with him (I wonder how I'll score in the quiz . But I do see him mistaking people's intentions and making some unnecessarily negative conclusions about people around him and the world in general.

If you had the choice, would you want to know you are an aspie?

Absolutely I'd want to know.

I'm self diagnosed, and happened upon this forum when searching for why I hated the phone so much. I found it by chance and also found how much I had in common with people here that it motivated me to take the test posted previously in which my fiancée scored a Aspie 32 and I scored a Aspie 155.

Even though it took away what I thought was special to ME, I realize it's for the better. There are so many different coping mechanisms to learn. My life is honestly better now that I'm here. Things make more sense. I can understand what's going on better now with my head. I don't feel so removed from my own body. I don't have to wonder why I feel THAT way.

In my humble opinion, if your friend is a reasonable person, things will fall in place for him after he discovers why he does what he does or why he feels how he feels.

I indeed hope your diagnosis is correct, however.

I agree. That same feeling of being 'unique' is one I have always shared as well, but I must confess its a double-edged sword. The other side of that coin (pardon my metaphor mixing) is a feeling of isolation and loneliness from knowing that because of that uniqueness, its going to be virtually impossible for you to find another person you can truly connect with throughout your entire life.

That's precisely where WP comes in. You can't imagine what a sense of relief it is to finally know that there are other people in this world who really get it - because they experience some of the same problems, joys, gifts and difficulties that I've struggled with and puzzled over all my life, that heretofore nobody I knew seemed to understand.

Don't talk to your friend about autism - at this point it won't interest him, because he doesn't realize it may be affecting him. Here's an idea: Don't even tell him what you're talking about, but start reading off a list of the Aspergian traits that you feel he has. Just say "Listen to this personality type" - and read the list. Let the realization sink in that it kinda sounds like him. That will give you a lead-in to the online Aspie tests. Take them together and see how your scores compare.

Thank you both for your insightful responses.

After going through WP and some other blogs by aspies, I do feel that the support is there. It's not a matter of finding you have a condition you can't do anything about; but something you can share with and relate to other people. Although I'm a NT (I did the test ), I was/am a social loner in my own way. I do understand the pain of not able to connect to others and seemingly not able to change the situation. Like you mentioned, WP is a great tool to go through the transition period and ongoing support.

I really like the one-on-one idea. Unfortunately we live on opposite ends of the continent. But I will go visit him again in a few weeks. That should give me plenty of time to prepare.

In the mean time if you have other ideas I'm listening!

Since he's sensitive, you could suggest you both take the RDOS quiz, but make it sound as if you're just doing it as a joke or out of boredom.

Yup. I prefer not being unique, just being one of my kind. Being truly unique would be a bit crushing, I think. It would make you very alone. Not just physically alone as in sitting in a room by yourself obsessing, but alone in a lot of ways, cognitively and emotionally, since you would have no one who was your own kind, no one who you could share experiences with and understand each other.