Do you pretend not to notice others?

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This has been a feature of my life. When I am in public, and I notice someone I recognise or might know, most times I will act as if I never notice them, solely because the act of initiating conversation is just too painful, and I cannot trust myself to do it right. Sometimes I know that the other person is aware that I am avoiding them. This just makes me feel really bad. I think this brings about a lot of anxiety in me as well. Is there anyone who can relate and maybe help me with this trait?

I often do this, largely because I'm not good at recognizing faces, so frequently am wrong about the person I think I'm seeing.

I've been wrong about the person in the past, and always have doubts from that.

If they ever ask you about it later, just be honest and say 'I thought it was you, but couldn't quite tell'. I've done this so many times, and no one seems to take offense to it.

I have pretended not to notice people many, many times, but not anymore! I have vowed never to overt my eyes again. The reason for this is that I have recently been on the receiving end of a 'blank' (I believe this is the term used to describe such situations) and I must admit feeling quite hurt. This experience has caused me to appreciated how the other person may feel.

Give them a smile and say hello. Even if it turns out you didn't know them, you just might have brightened somebody's day. It must be worth the risk of embarrassment to avoid making someone sad, after all.

Tom

I hate hurting others feelings or making anyone sad. But I'm just so incapable of trying to communicate. I've failed so many times, I just don't want it to happen again. So I'm kinda between a rock and a hard place.

Yeah, the trouble with ASDs. The fear is just so strong, and the memories of past failures so clear. It is a very difficult problem to overcome. If you don't mind me asking , how have you failed? I mean, times you have felt unsuccessful what occurred to make you feel that way?

Yes. Partly because I'm not good with faces, and mostly because I can't be bothered with niceties and smalltalk. My interactions with people tend to be centered around a topic or a need. I need a reason to talk to someone. "How about those Seahawks" or "It is a nice day outside" smalltalk is superfluous. Pretending not to notice someone is preferable to acknowledging their presence but then ignoring them.

I actually hide from certain people, especially my Uncle Richard. The only time I ever see him is in the super market or other large public shop like Walmart or Home Depot and also in the Goodwill. I hide because he embarrasses me by singing Italian songs to me in a loud voice. He is not Italian, he's German. I am Italian, and I guess it's his way of relating to me, but every one in the store stops what they're doing and stares at us and I don't want to be unkind to him so I just hide or sneak out of the store. I know this sounds awful, but I can't help it. Sometimes he sings to other people, so I know he's in the store before I actually see him. If other people are around he starts telling them that I am Ruth and Pete's daughter and all other kinds of personal things.

I do that a lot. If I know the person really well I might say hi, but usually I pretend I didn’t see them, or sometimes I’ll hide so they won’t see me (usually I hide). Like, one day I was in the grocery store and I recognized one of the guys I was ‘friends’ with (it was a small class, I knew everybody pretty well) so I ducked into the cereal aisle. In retrospect it was incredibly stupid of me, but at the time, hiding seemed like a good plan.

I really shouldn't hide, I know, but I find it just as awkward when other people initiate conversation, and like the rest of you mentioned, I don't want to make anyone feel bad with the whole 'blank' face thing. Though, I often hide behind my blonde hair, so most people who know me are used to me being an oblivious ditz.

Now that I’m in college I have to say hi to people from my dorm or else they’ll come and bother me about it later, so I think I’m getting better. I’m not sure if I’m getting better at saying hi or slinking around campus like a ninja so they won't see me, but I’m getting better.

Yes. Sometimes because I'm afraid I recognize the wrong person, sometimes because I don't know what to say. I always have this habit of saying the wrong thing, or the wrong word, or the wrong name.. wrong anything.. and then my mistake will repeat back in my head forever.

Also, a lot of times if I don't know how to react to something in particular, I'll just ignore it. What else am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to just say hello anyway. I have Asperger's, so I know how difficult it can be, but this is one area of Asperger's that can (and must) be overcome by willpower. Trust me, the more you try to talk to people the easier it gets and the less anxious you become.

Ignoring people seems very selfish to me. They probably do notice you, no matter how hard you try to hide.

Over the years I've started selectively blanking people. Usually ex-customers of anywhere I worked (and selected customers when I had those jobs, if they saw fit to pester me on days off), or people I have a reason to avoid - ex-classmates, for example. If I absolutely have to engage in conversation with someone like that I tend to be quite flat. Short, often one-word replies, a monotone... pretty much indicating disinterest. It doesn't work too well on certain people, but in general most get the message and go away in short order.

Well, I usually fail in two ways. (Or at least I think it's a fail). The first scenario is I engage in the usual pleasantries, and thereafter the awkward silence comes about. Nothing is being said all of a sudden. Now I start to panic. Am I supposed to be saying something? What am I supposed to ask?
If I just keep quiet, is it wrong? Usually I'll be so engrossed at thinking what to do, I won't do anything, and I'll come across as awkward and clumsy.

The second scenario is rarer but just as difficult. I will decide to make contact with the person. It's almost as if I'm just wanting to get it over and done with. I become twitchy and greet the person with an almost rehearsed feeling. The truth is, it is rehearsed (in my head), and it doesn't come about as natural. I start saying things that I have already rehearsed which usually goes against the flow of the conversation. My part is almost mechanical. And usually I leave a very strange impression of my self.

Quite often if I see someone before they see me, I duck to the side. I don't think that it's because I want to avoid them, it's just that their presence has now interrupted whatever I was doing, and I don't feel like breaking away from my mission, just to say hi.

Yes, I experienced the first scenario earlier today and it is quite common for me. I saw someone I know out shopping and waved to them. They walked up to me and said something like "Are you alright?" I replied "Yes" thinking I was doing okay, but I couldn't think of anything else to say. I tried asking them the same question, but it came out as an incoherent noise and then they turned red, gave me a friendly tap to the shoulder and walked off.

But the thing is, even though it was incredibly awkward and slightly embarrassing, it still felt worth it. As well as not ignoring them I had been shown both interest and affection by this acquaintance of mine. So this actually made me feel better about myself. I may not be able to hold a conversation for longer than a few seconds, but people know me as a kind person so some of them choose to like me anyway.

I don't know, maybe things like this have different values to different people. To me those awkward social situations are a part of my personality that I have accepted and maybe even grown to like a little bit. People don't seem to mind how well socialize, just as long as you show interest in others and appear happy to see them.

Last edited by MajorTom on 05 Sep 2009, 1:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes. It's not because I can't be bothered, as someone else said, but I can't think quickly enough, and I know it's going to be awkward. Often, I wish afterward that we'd spoken.