Caring what other people think

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I was on another online forum, and someone posted something that I thought was a little silly. They said that the character, Severus Snape, was "based on Alan Rickman." (The forum is Rickman's IMDB message board, and he is the actor who plays Snape in the HP movies.) Now, I'm not entirely sure what the person meant by that, but, taken literally, it's absurd. I found the comment humorous, but also kind of confusing. The character, Severus Snape, was created by J.K. Rowling, and later on portrayed by the actor, Alan Rickman. The character was not "based on" the actor, any more than Heathcliff was based on Laurence Olivier.

So I replied with something like, "Gosh, that's strange. I didn't think Snape was anything like a highly-respected, versatile actor. I'll have to go re-read the books, because I didn't pick up on that."

When I wrote that, I was not upset or being crabby. It was my usual dry humor, I guess. Yes, I thought the original comment was kind of dopey and absurd, so I responded in kind. I considered putting a smiley or two on it, but decided it wasn't necessary.

Well, someone wrote back with "What's with the attitude?"

The reason I entitled this post "Caring what other people think" is because her comment make me feel physically ill. That particular message board is currently populated by all kinds of catty young women who like to claw at each other and do a lot of one-upsmanship about who's the best fan. There's certainly no reason at all why I should feel anything one way or another if this person thought I was displaying "an attitude".

But the fact is, I feel hurt that someone missed the dry humor in what I wrote, and assumed I was being a snippy btich. Because that's never my style. In fact, I'm the opposite of that, I think.


Maybe I really did sound like I had "an attitude". Actually, I did have an attitude. My attitude was one of bemusement, I suppose. That's what I intended to convey. It's hard to constantly have to analyze one's own feelings and then explain them to people. People come to WP all the time and talk about being misunderstood, or misunderstanding others. But at least here, I feel like people don't automatically assume that I'm being a cranky fusspot hen every time I speak. People here seem to either understand what I'm saying or ask for clarification if they don't. I would never just assume that someone is copping an attitude.

There's your answer right there... she heard the comment in her own tone. That's one of the drawbacks to printed word... so few cues that anything can be projected into it. It's not about you, but about her. She heard your remark in her own voice.



We've been kicked a lot, we tend to wince at everything. So just sit back, breathe deep into your heart, and remind yourself that it's her projection, not you. She doesn't know you, will NEVER know you. What you're feeling is reverb from all those times someone close to you mis-interpreted your words... honor that but not this B**ch.

Had a similar incident on here just yesterday. Someone asked a question about the site and I couldn't tell if they were being serious, joking, had accidentally stumbled upon the site, or something like that.

I responded, trying to be silly in the awkwardness of not really knowing how to take the context of the question, and bam... they felt I was being demeaning. Doh!

It's still bothering me. Been tossing back and forth the idea of apologizing because I really don't want someone to feel unwelcome because of me... I also guess maybe it's out of habit to some extent... I spend a LOT of time apologizing when people don't understand my humor and take it personally. Mostly apologizing because I'm apparently not very good at being funny but still try from time to time, or don't stop myself from saying things that I think are obviously meant to be silly...

I apologized in the forum, but there has not been a response to it yet in any way, so I don't know what happened after that... which is probably why I'm still tossing around the idea of PMing an apology, but I don't know whether or not it would be taken seriously anyway or even read... so... up in the air. But man it's driving me NUTS!

I saw something like that yesterday, but I don't remember the people involved, so it may have been something completely different than what you are talking about. There was a thread about I-don't-remember-what, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, someone asked what they are supposed to think of this site. Or something like that. I wasn't sure if they meant WP, that particular thread, or a site that someone had previously linked to. The question didn't seem connected to anything else, so it was confusing. Someone else (maybe you) asked what they meant, or somehow tried to find out what they meant, and the person got offended. Anyway, that's what I recall. I remember thinking something like, "Gee, that's really weird. Oh, gosh, it's getting late, and I've got to help my kid finish up his homework." If that was the thread you're talking about, it didn't make any sense to me why the other person was offended.

As far as my original post above, I feel much better. I actually went back and someone else had posted that they didn't think I meant it with an attitude.

DonkeyBuster, you are right, my answer was right there. She read it in her own voice. That's a good way of putting it. I logically know that, and that's not hard to wrap my head around. The thing that confuses me is that, despite knowing those things, I get this pang in the stomach when something like that happens. Oh well. I guess that's life.

That's what I call reverb from other similar bad experiences that we've had with friends and family in real life... an echo from another time. Flashbacks.

The words were a trigger to your memory banks and they brought up those previous live painful encounters where someone bit your head off for no good reason.

And yup, that's life. [sigh] Sometimes dealing directly with the internal experience can help diffuse future triggers. That's the acknowledging the pain of those times and breathing into it, letting it peak and then wind down while you are in a safe space.

Like letting a wild horse run across the wide prairie... seeing not just the horse, but the space...

I get those pangs too when somebody misunderstands me and snaps at me. It does hurt. The reverb and flashback idea makes sense. Just take it in stride. Don't let it throw you or stop your ride. As far as the apology thing goes, why should you (or anyone) apologize for something you/they haven't done? I've done that before and it's demeaning. It's like if you're accused of a crime and you say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that crime", that's as good as pleading guilty.

yes! that was it, in the social anxiety testing thing... I really really didn't mean to be demeaning, I just had no clue whether or not it was a serious question, so tried to joke or show WHY I was confused in a funny way, and... well, it just didn't work out. I even welcomed them after saying it, lol, but still... I just need to not say things sometimes I guess.

Humor is tricky. Maybe not try to be funny when something's not clear? Especially here where some people are very literal by wiring and fragile by experience. Many (all?) of us have been ridiculed and dismissed through so-called humor, so I think there may be some hyper-sensitivity sometimes.

And of course, it always depends on what kind of day I've had as to whether I take something personally or not.

Oh yeah. That happens all the time to people on and off the spectrum. All you have to go on is the written word, and things like tone of voice and inflection are completely absent. You'd think this would make things easier for those with AS, but the problem is that we assume that everyone can hear our tone of "voice" (more accurately our "tone of post").

I've misinterpreted comments the other way too, thinking that a "good luck getting X going" was snark and in reality they were being sincere. As long as you clear things up, people give you leeway. it's sort of like bumping into people on the NY subway; it's gonna happen and everyone knows it, so you just give a quick "sorry" and move on.

As for caring what others think, there's a difference between being misunderstood and truly caring about another's opinion. You were hurt more likely because you were misunderstood by anyone not this particular person.

I do care about what many people think of me, but they all fall within my "safety boundary." Outside of that, the world can think I'm a troll that eats children for all I care. I mean, they'd be wrong, but I generally consider it to be their responsibility to get to know me if that's what they want to do. My door is always open.

Last edited by fiddlerpianist on 08 Oct 2009, 6:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I do tend to care what people think. That's why I try and be careful with my posts and why it takes me so long to write them because I want to make sure people won't misunderstand them. Then I get frustrated when they do but I try and be nice about it when I correct them. Yes I do hate being misunderstood. I was upset from Yahoo Answers that a lady there called me ignorant because she didn't like the comment I posted about her checking out a daycare first before dumping her kids off there. So I was defensive back when I replied to her message. I felt picked on and bullied because all I did was gave her support and then a compliment and she shot me down for it. But I moved on. No point in getting even with her on yahoo Answers. My reply back was the end of the game. She never responded back so I figured she either didn't wanna fight or she realized she was wrong. Another time I told a mother dislike of being held is one of the first signs as autism and I would keep an eye out for more and she also got defensive with me. I just had to go back and edit my post to say I was on the spectrum and be all defensive, then the mother goes from defensive to nice.
Heck when someone gets mean with me for no reason, I go "f**k you b***h, I'm glad I pissed you off, now I hope I can do it again since you're a jerk" but it still hurts.



Only time I don't care what people think is if I am in a conflict and I am tired of it or I am in no mood to be in one so I don't bother arguing with them. I get sick and tired of people throwing in the blind and the deaf when I talk about lazy people and people who don't do a thing to help themselves or even try and I don't even talk about people with psychical disabilities but people read those posts and decide to throw them in by saying I expect the blind to see or the deaf to hear or the cripple to walk. I don't get that attitude.
People even throw in learning disabilities or Alzheimer's or any condition that will not go away. I think these people just want to pick a fight with me because they didn't like what I said because I'm right. I was in that situation like maybe two days ago here and I told him he failed because he was trying to pick a fight and I was in no mood for it.

Yeah, I get like that sometimes too. Social anxiety on the internet, never thought that would happen. Most times I really don't care what people think, but once in a while the insecure, scared little girl in me says she does, alot.

I had been meaning to ask if anyone had a problem with this in real life. I have a dry sense of humor and an expressionless face and a flat voice so there have been times I've said things meant to be humorous and people have gotten insulted thinking I was serious. It embarrassing to tell someone you were trying to be funny when they're p.o.ed.

Oh, definitely. You are not alone in this experience.

How about when you ask a question, just trying to get information, and they assume you're being a smart-ass or disrespectful somehow?

I once posted at IMDB on the 101 Dalmatians forum about Cruella having AS and instead of people finding it funny, I got attacked so I stuck up for myself.

Or thinking you are being judgmental. I would say next time "Would you rather have me jump to conclusions than me asking questions to understand more? Kay next time I'll just assume if that's what you want."

Yeah, I get the judgmental thing. I guess maybe I sound that way a lot. Like, sometimes I notice the way people look, but I have to be really careful about what I say. If I say something like, "I bet those two women are related, because they both have the same kind of really wide hips and pointy chins," I don't mean that in a judgmental way at all. I enjoy seeing those kind of similarities in people, because it's interesting to me. But if I say it, even quietly so they don't hear, it's assumed that I'm being judgmental about their physical features. You can comment on someone's hair color, but you can't comment on the shape of their butt, or their droopy bosom.

Mostly, I know to keep quiet, but sometimes I want to point out something that I find interesting, and it's hard not to say something.

I care what people I know think of me, people I don't know can piss off. The one exception to this is when something I said or did is misunderstood or taken the wrong way. Its not that I care about what they think of me, I just don't want their judgements to be based on a misinterpretation!