How can I help my boyfriend, I believe he has AS.

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Hello. I hope this isn't going to be an annoyingly long post, but I really do need some insight, help, and guidance on how I can build a supportive bridge and reach my boyfriend who I do love and appreciate. I only want to help him. A bit of background information:

My boyfriend is 42, I'm 31. He has always been labeled as the "black sheep" and "problem child" of his family. In fact that is a direct quote from his mother after she told me stories about his outbursts during his childhood. Of course he was "diagnosed" many times for different things as a child. He was actually diagnosed as a "problem child" "hyperactivity" "ADD"...and so on. However, recently it has become clear to me that he might have AS and he even suspects it.

Our relationship, we've been together for 12 years, has been wonderful at times, but really really bad at others. I've never left, but there have been moments where I've wanted to. He can be very distant, hurtful, he has outbursts, he shouts, yells, can't control the volume of his voice which makes me feel like he is always yelling at me, he either cannot concentrate on things or gets absorbed in one thing...he obsesses over things. So many examples running through my head as I write this. I remember years ago he had boxes of wallets he collected. When I asked him why he needed them he looked puzzled and said "in case I need them." To me that was odd and I thought "okay he collects things," and I made him get rid of them eventually, it took about a year for him to really get them out of the house. He obsesses over his belongings and objects. If a paper towel roll becomes unrolled he will spend a lot of time rolling it back up perfectly. If it isn't perfect he gets frustrated. He has always been like that, again I thought he was quirky.

He has never physically abused me, but he has verbally at times. He can react to situations in a way that is shocking, like he shouts, berates, but the thing is he doesn't see himself doing that. I remember one time I was cleaning the kitchen and I had thrown out a bottle cap unaware that it was of importance to him. It was just a simple cap from a typical glass bottle. I was preparing dinner, came into the kitchen and he was looking for his cap. I told him I must have thrown it out and apologized and started to cook dinner. He went into this outburst that just shocked me. It hurt so deeply. I stood there crying, he was shouting, going on and on, but the thing that bothered me about incidents like that is when I look at his face it isn't "anger," but confusion or him being almost scared. Like he isn't expressing or able to express what he is feeling. Does that make sense? He isn't a bad guy, he can be VERY sweet, kind. He brings me flowers, he will go out of his way at times to get something for me like if I'm sick or just craving something yummy. He will sit with me if I'm down or depressed (I have my own issues I'm working through as well). The problem is that our relationship is very strained, at times I get so upset and I don't fully understand or see what he sees. We have had the same discussions so many times...thousands of times. It wasn't until recently when a family friend was talking about AS that I started to think about things. It makes total sense, the way he behaves, the way he has trouble with social interaction, his obsessive behavior at times, his distance, his mixed signals...the list goes on and on...taking things literally, fixating...etc.

The thing that bothers me is that he suspects he might have this, but it is very hard to get him to put serious focus on serious issues. He will often blow it off or ignore it until it goes away, but things never go away. When I brought it up recently, in a way I thought was supportive to open up a dialog with him, he said he suspected it, but never talked to me about it. What also bothers me is that things I thought were supportive might have been the opposite. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I just wonder if getting a proper diagnoses will benefit him or how do I talk to him about it in a supportive way? He struggles at times so much and I see that it hurts him. He feels like a failure all the time, but I don't see him that way. He is also very unhealthy. We both were obese, but i have lost weight and am continuing to heal myself. I think he is pleased with that, but he also gets nervous and his reaction was to sneak food and things. He has diabetes and other health issues and is always under stress. I'm wondering if getting help would help him heal inside and out...how can I help him? That is all I want to do... even though our relationship is strained, I still love him. I'll always love him.

About your boyfriend, I believe that the first thing that should be focused on is the diabetes. Diabetes can lead to blindness, kidney failure that will result in dialysis and a possible kidney transplant, and even amputation of the foot if not properly taken care of. With him being obese, I am guessing that he has Type 2, and for that, a healthy diet and checking blood sugar are the best ways to get it under control. If his diabetes is not under control, it could lead to the problems I aforementioned or it could lead to his death.

He does take medication. His diabetes developed with weight gain as did other issues. He currently has his sugar levels under control, he checks it, he has been under the care of his current doctor, but he struggles with a healthy diet and weight loss. He has been avoiding going to the doctor for months, he has enough pills for one more month so he will have to visit the doctor this month. He is taking care of his diabetes with medication currently, but needs to lose weight and focus on health. He has issues doing that currently. He isn't doing nothing is what I'm saying, hopefully I didn't give you that impression.

The issue isn't his diabetes, the issue is that we both suspect he has AS and I'm needing help/guidance on how to approach the subject. He knows the risks and information about his physical issues.

As for knowing about health, believe me we both are fully aware. I myself am on a journey of better health.

With the diabetes/obesity combination, the extra weight is often an effect, not a cause--I think he's better off working on health than specifically targeting the weight. Are you the primary cook? If so, have you considered cooking classes, so you can learn to make really good food with high nutrient value? Don't shock your Aspie with too much too new too fast, but seriously, good-tasting healthy food goes a long way. Also--long romantic walks. Promise each other you'll never call it "exercise" and you're set..

Anyway, with the Asperger's thing, does he think that diagnosis would help him; or would he benefit equally from just working on the particular traits he has without worrying about sticking a label on them? If you can fully define the problem, it may not matter whether you have an official name for it or not.

We do have our little obsessions, love of order, collections... it's quite normal for an Aspie, and it helps us cope with a disorderly world. "Obsessions" has a completely unwarranted negative connotation; think of them as very strong hobbies, if you need to; another word is "special interest". They can be very narrow or pretty much mainstream but they are always quite intense. I'm one of the ones who switches special interests rather often (some people keep them life long) and it seems very much like falling in love when I meet a new special interest. Special interests give you at least one thing that you know is interesting and fun, and they are a great source of relaxation. Asperger's usually involves extreme stress levels, so this is quite important.

I honestly don't know what to say about his lack of voice control... if he can't control it, he can't control it... I am sensitive to lots of noises myself, and the best I can do is to either wear earplugs or cover my ears when it gets too overwhelming. You might try increasing your conversational distance so that he is further away when he speaks. Having long conversations outside might help too so the sound is not bouncing off the walls. It's a bit odd; usually it is the Aspie in the relationship having trouble with loud sounds!

When you say your boyfriend occasionally gets "angry" and yells or even becomes abusive, but he looks scared and confused... I think that could be a pretty classic meltdown. These happen when everything becomes too much for our minds to process at once--autistic people have generally a very one-thing-at-a-time sort of processing--and things just shut down. It's rather frightening and frustrating for the autistic person; but the only time I've heard of it becoming outward-directed violence is towards people who have bullied or abused that person in the past. What I feel when I have one of these--I generally cry like a toddler or freeze and zone out--is a sort of desperate feeling, like I just really want to escape. When unexpected things happen, and things aren't like you expected, it can really throw you off, because you had a mental plan for the future and now you're left with no plan; and it feels like it must feel if you were suddenly transported to a foreign country. Meltdowns can also be caused by a lot of overwhelming sensory input.

The important thing to remember about them is that they aren't truly caused by the immediate trigger (like having a bottle cap thrown away that you expected to have), but more of a build-up of stress over a long time, which gradually goes past what you have learned to cope with cognitively and emotionally. The end result can look a lot like a tantrum, but the big difference is that it's out of our control (once it starts--we can definitely take steps to reduce the chance of it ever starting), and not meant to manipulate anybody. Actually, the best thing I have learned for them is to predict when they are coming on, and if I can't prevent them, go someplace private where I can't embarrass myself or say anything impulsively hurtful to anybody else. Private space is just so indispensable to me. The worst thing would be to keep on talking to me and demanding things while I wasn't thinking properly... privacy and time to recover are the best things when that sort of thing happens.

I think you ought to bring your boyfriend here. If he has got Asperger's, it's not as though it's something to be ashamed of. Actually, some of us are rather proud of it. I'm quite convinced that "normal" is really not all they make it out to be. Autism is a different sort of life, not an inferior one.

Callista, thank you so much for replying.

In reply to the health related questions. Luckily he loves my cooking and my cooking is all healthy, I myself am on a weight loss journey I've lost 80 pounds so far. We both have a lot of changes. He is a vegetarian, he has recently cut out cheese as that was making him feel a bit poorly. I myself, I don't eat meat, diary, eggs...refined sugar, etc (i can't eat a list of things for my own reasons and personal choice as well). He doesn't like tasting new things and can actually have the same thing everyday, but he is fine with me doing a few meals he likes a week. He does eat healthier but he does lack that focus. He is currently struggling with exercise and I am too, but my issues are totally different. His issues with exercise are he can't do much as he has physical pain, I've been there myself as I started out at 340+ pounds. Recently I have been doing things with him a bit, getting him out walking and things, he struggles and if he did go to the doctor more it would be helpful for him, but he resists it. He hates changes, I do try to approach things slowly, but last year he was doing great and then things in our life did become incredibly stressful and I found out he was sneaking loads of sugary foods. He confessed to it when he had to as he was gaining weight not losing. His weight gain after that point was high and he has since started to lose again. He is really stressed out over going back to the doctor and he will, but I know the stress he feels is different than when I feel stress. Of course I'm giving you snippets of things trying to explain as much as I can lol. Hopefully I'm doing a good job. I'm knee deep in nutrition and health, he probably gets sick and tired of hearing me gab on and on about it lol.

As for the Aspergers... I asked him if a diagnoses would help him and he avoided the topic after that point. I think the main problem is that I'm looking at this from an outsider point of view. What i see isn't what he sees. What I'm experiencing isn't what he is intending, so I don't know if he has issues with loud noises and things. He was bullied as a child. Teachers were not the most positive around him. He told me a story of kids just beating him because he was different than they were. Which just breaks my heart as he really is such a sweet guy. Very intelligent too. When he gets excited, even just a little, he gets overly animated and loud. Again it is what I see, so I know that isn't what he sees or is feeling or going through. I'm trying to reach him so hard, but I think my good intentions might be putting stress on him and perhaps adding to the problems he is experiencing.

I will tell him about this place. He does feel that he is abnormal. He often makes the comment especially when we are in an argument that he feels insane or wrong. That is such a destructive feeling and I think it just hurts him. He blows it off and ignores things, but deep down he is hurting and I can see it.

I mean I have a gaggle of issues myself, but the difference is that the things that caused my issues were done to me by other people. The earliest story from his mother was about him having various outbursts including night terrors. He would scream and scream and be uncontrollable. That was when he was around 4 or 5. He was in and out of therapy his whole life...like I said labeled as this or that, but the core issues were always there, same patterns, same things. I just wonder if him knowing he isn't crazy or bad or wrong will help him understand and possibly give him a new door to walk through...

I think sending him to this website would be a very good idea; often the best therapy is meeting others going through the same difficulties and swapping advice and ideas on how to deal with things.

I completely understand about the voice modulation; I have the same problem. I never actually realize when I'm doing it, because I'm not actually listening/registering the sound of my own voice (AS is characterized by one-track thinking; when you get really focussed on something, often a topic of conversation, the thought processes are centered on that topic alone and all other side information; such as the volume of ones voice, the reactions of the people listening, the body language one is using, etc etc, gets lost. This can often be why AS people don't use eye contact; they don't realize they're not doing it. I used to be able to talk at a wall for half an hour before I realized the other person had left the room some time during the first 5 minutes and I was effectively talking to myself).

The outbursts you speak of sound like meltdowns. You're very right in your observation that he seems confused and stressed more than anything else; meltdowns are rarely a person getting angry over specific issues, it's more like what happens when the stress levels (which are constantly high for people with AS) pass a certain threshold and sends the person into a sort of breakdown mode (where they can lash out physically or verbally, generally in an out of control way in response to overwhelming stimuli - sort of like if you imagine your worst most frustrating nightmare, and you imagine how you would react to it (it being a situation out of your control) - you'd probably scream, cry, rock, shout, any number of those things).

The best way to deal with meltdowns is to try to prevent them - if you know the person well you can learn to predict when one is coming (you see the little signs), and you can get the person to isolate themselves for a while/have some quiet time or relaxation, or try to take away the root of the stress. My parents always say to me that they have learned to be good at this, and usually take preventative action in plenty of time before I pass "the point of no return" (as they put it).

If it gets to the point where he's having a meltdown, the only real way to deal with it is to be passive, and try to give him space and isolation ASAP. He really just needs to learn to isolate himself when this happens (I do this) because any sort of extra stimulation (even you trying to be comforting) is just going to make things worse, irrelevant of the type of stimulation it is, because his brain is overloaded and will not be able to handle the extra processing required to make sense of the interaction.

I hope my post has been somewhat helpful.

Hahaha I just read Callista's post and realized my meltdown advice was pretty much the same as hers. Go figure - sorry for repeating stuff.

As for diet, I am a pretty healthy eater, and I found what really worked for me was playing with my need for routine. I make healthy eating a part of my routine, and as I am very rigid with sticking to it (I need routine to cope) this works well. However, the opposite problem (which your boyfriend seems to have) can also occur; he probably has an unhealthy eating routine, and it is very hard for him to change it because on his need for sameness.

However, the best thing he can do (in my opinion) is to make a solid decision to stick to healthy eating, then act on it straight away. My advice might be a little different to how you are doing things; I would actually use a complete and total single change from unhealthy to healthy myself, rather than slowly making small changes over time, because it reduces the amount of change and then quickly introduces another set routine. As an AS person I couldn't imagine anything worse than a routine changing slooowly over time, because the routine would be changing the whole time until the new routine was completely established, and that long period of change would cause massive stress.

Thank you sunshower for responding. You both have really helped and are opening my eyes in so many ways.

I'm seeing that you have a point about the slow changes...*nods* I think the main problem is that my diet doesn't match his exactly, and I cook for him, but I don't eat that food. I really eat raw foods more than anything as that is what I need for me. He was supposed to go to a nutritionist, but never did. Getting him to do that, again that focus, is like pulling teeth lol. He is dragging out this time until he HAS to go to the doctor and I know the doctor he has isn't exactly the most positive guy. I think that is causing him a lot of stress as well.

When I changed myself, I basically did a solid change and spent last year learning how to live for me, healthy. I really only cook for him as I barely eat cooked foods, I have my own set of needs. He likes things a certain way, but I think the problem is he is all over the map with his food and calorie intake. He also isn't active enough and does need to be, even with me getting him out and about, it isn't enough. Little by little he'll get his strength back, but I think that visiting a certified nutritionist would have benefited him with a solid plan. He does well with plans, structure. He wants someone to do it for him, that has been what I see as his attitude, but again that is me looking in from the outside. He avoided that step though and getting him to talk about it isn't happening so far.

I'm starting to see that the things that I thought were positive and supportive might in fact have caused more stress. Like I know when he is getting upset. I can see it in the way he talks, his eyes, his breathing. He'll often look up at the ceiling and literally talk to the ceiling or walls. When I told him I can't handle these sort of outbursts, and I meant it as "fights," I think that added pressure on him. Not my intention, I literally just at this time have trouble dealing with him when he gets upset as I have my own things I'm coping with as well. Getting him to go calm down is something that would totally help him.

I do think he needs to relate to you all, meet you, or just read the posts here. I think I can't help him in the way that I want to. The more I try, the more stress and negativity it causes and I think that is just me misunderstanding what is going on. I have to change how I see things and learn how not to put added stress on him. I mean his home should be a place of peace, as much as possible, not further stress.

I don't want to be repetitive. I see that the main issue are meltdowns. They are also the main problem between me and my wife (once I have jumped on her to avoid her venting, not hurting her baddly but she way rightly shocked, what a shame , but don't worry it's not an usual AS behaviour). Apart from that I'm usually see as one with a very high self-control, rational being.

The meltdown description is actually right in the previous post, I can give (and repeat some advice):

- if there is something he likes very much, give him space to do that on a regular basis.
- Physical exercise (gym, swimming, running) is benefical for both NT (neurotypical) and AS people to keep stress low.
- Sex is benefical for both NT (neurotypical) and AS people to keep stress low.

If the meltdown came (you should talk about the strategy that fits him the most, abviously before that, talking about it)...

- Run away. Shout up. Don't come back till he is in himself again. NEVER vent back on him.
or (the think I actually prefer and probably the best think to do if there are other people or expecially children at home)
- Let him go away from you. Actually I use to (and my wife have learned to not vent at me for that) go out the house and go into the courtyard, put myself in a barelly-hidden place at night and recover myself.
- Don't try to be "over-talkative" suddendly after a recover. If the thing is not important just let it go. Otherwise return on that in a rational way the day after.

Nightsun thank you so much for your insight.

Yes the meltdowns are a big problem. We haven't had any legendary ones in awhile, but woosh there have been some big ones where you just couldn't...I couldn't get him to calm down. He seems to really react even more when I cry or am shocked. That fear look in his face and he just shouts, but the past two years I've been trying to remain more calm and not react back, for two reasons 1. I can't cope with the emotional stress and 2. I don't think he can either. That seems to feed the meltdown in another way though, he fixates on me ignoring him when I'm not, but he sees it that way and further gets upset; I think I'm doing more harm than good. I love your strategy ideas, all of you thank you so much. It means a lot that you took the time to respond with such detail.

Going to try to talk to him about things and provide him with this link and other links. Perhaps he can explore that in his own time, with no stress from me or anyone. It is a journey for him, not me, yes us as a couple, but in the end I just want him to be happy and not feel so bad about himself. He can be very rational and logical and make it all into a joke, but deep inside I know he is hurting.

One thing that can help accepting it is well understanding the difference between broken and different. Actually in an "ideal" world at least the higly functional part of the Spectrum like Aspe and in some way HFA will not exist at least for some people. There are many thing I (and probably many Aspie) see as disturbing and NTs doesn't but it's also true the viceversa. A stupid example:
If I ask someone: "Am I fatter than before?" I ask that because I can't judge it myself and I want a REAL opinion. So I naturally think that if someone ask me the same is because (usually she) wants a real answer. I've understanded with time that I must say ALWAYS "no you are fine" but nevertheless I'm stressed by that (why you asked me that at all??) like a NT women will be stressed if I answer "Yes I think you have gained 5 Kg". That's just an example . Usually Aspe works in a more linear/logical way than what society requires.

Also here an usefull link: http://www.scn.org/people/autistics/involvement.html

are you sure it is AS and not some sort of OCD/PTSD/DEPRESSION type of thing?

definitely seek diagnosis.

Ty for the link and more information and insight. It really is appreciated. I love the example and he has trouble navigating those type of situations for sure. He often asks me to read emails to people to make sure he is saying something correctly. He often wants to run things by me...he says he trusts what I say and sometimes to be frank when I say "oh no that won't come off well" or "that is really negative sounding" he doesn't see it. He'll make changes and such, but in the end I can see he is puzzled in those situations. Or when someone gets upset at something he has said or done, or like when I do, he just gets confused...and etc. I can see how that can cause so much stress and in addition to that my reaction, that has to be rough for him. He totally has issues with empathy..in fact that was a running joke with him about 8 years ago. I think back and I'm thinking of all these things and they are just lining up.

I do need to work on being more understanding and the way I am interacting with him, especially during times of stress or meltdowns, is causing harm. I have taken that as he is being mean or cruel, when in fact it isn't like that from his perspective. I totally believe him when he says he is confused or he just seems lost...he doesn't get why I'm reacting hurt or even with other people. His family and him have clashed on several occasions. When I came into the picture I did and do stand in the middle so they focus on me and not him. I can see he can't cope with that much emotion and stress. I just didn't...it didn't dawn on me until recently that something else was there.

I just don't want him to feel so bad anymore. I don't want to make him feel bad either.



My personal opinion is that he is fitting with what I've read here and other sources. So many things from early childhood to now and the fact that he has floated from diagnoses to diagnoses, as soon as some new term or thing came out he was labeled that way. He does have depression, but from my perspective, which again is totally from outside, it seems his depression has always come from the same place of confusion and thinking he is insane. So, I think he has AS, but I would love him to get a diagnoses. I personally think that is a positive thing, but on the other hand I think he has to want that and I can't force him.

I think diagnoses would be a benefit. I myself was diagnoses with a non-curable friggin' skin disease this year. Before my diagnoses I thought something was seriously wrong, I was just not in a good place like I had the plague or something. Very negative. I got my diagnoses and was devastated, but at least I knew. I moved forward with that and found out everything I needed to know and thought "okay, now I can work with this, now i know"...so to me a diagnoses is a positive thing, but I don't know how he would feel about it that is the thing. I think a diagnoses becomes real and his reaction would be negative, but maybe if he is willing to come here and read and such maybe things would be more positive for him.

I agree with you though.

Erm, has he ever checked his sugar at the time of a meltdown? I know you said that the diabetes is under control, at this point anyway, but blood sugar has really serious effects on the brain. Diabetics can seem literally psychotic when their sugar gets low, but only for that time.

That's probably the most important thing. Without knowing "what's going on" you can think anything (actually when I was a child I thinked I was going to be mad, everyone thinked in a different way, I didn't know why so I suggested myself that I was simply going to be totaly mad and start killing people one day). Obviosly I'll not kill people

I don't think so, but the thing is his outbursts have been happening since he was a child well before he had diabetes. Every time when his sugar level gets too low he gets dizzy, sweaty, shaky, and disoriented and he takes a sugar pill or two or eats something to keep his sugar up to a normal level. When he sugar is low he doesn't have the energy, even when he is upset, and such to have an outburst or meltdown. Normally, his blood sugar levels are fine because of the meds, he checks himself regularly and makes sure he is eating enough and now he enjoys healthier options such as fruits and veggies (well as far as I know). He does have those sugar pill things just in case, but mostly I've seen his levels get low when he is out and about, not while at home around a food source. Hopefully that makes sense.

I can ask him though when I talk to him this evening.



Yeah true, totally. I remember him always thinking there was something wrong with him, you know that black sheep label. Teachers treated him like a pain and problem child, therapists labeled him many times, but in the end I don't think he feels he got any answers. If he can get some now, maybe he can move toward some peace for himself. Not feel like a loser or a failure or just all the negative things he thinks about himself.