Quality of life.

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Today I felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment when looking back on life. I know I'm still relatively young, but it's a fact that my quality of life has been... well, pretty non existent . Just wondering how anyone out there rates their quality of life. Would you say that your AS has somehow spoiled it? Or maybe enhanced it?

I know it's almost something taboo to compare yourself to others. But in my opinion my life has had less joy, pleasure and fulfillment than people even younger than me.

Hello i_wanna_blue,

Does the anxiety you told us about the other day has something to do with that disappointment?

I know that mine and some other's which I inherited spoiled a lot of my life.

I would say that anxieties/fears, anger and pain were really bad.
But in the same time joy and enjoyment were enhanced. A lot.

Was is to regular the balance? It's not impossible (speaking for me).

But for you, why are you so disappointed just now, if I may ask?

HOW AS HAS SPOILED MY LIFE:

AS has kept me from achieving the goal I set for myself when I erroneously thought I was "normal" and able to do what the people next to me were able to do. This led to my seeing myself as a failure...not just in the goals I pursued but as "a man." I was genuinely miserable.

HOW AS HAS ENHANCED MY LIFE:

Before I learned about AS, I accepted things that were later affirmed when I did learn about AS. I realized that somehow I was "different" but didn't know why. I accepted that reality and started "playing to my strengths" as often as possible. I accepted that a lot of my life was a loss and worked to stop living in my past as much as I had been.

Since I never "fit in" with "normal" society, I realized I had the "privilege" of seeing the world from a unique perspective. Where the "normal" people go about their everyday routine unaware of what's really happening around them, I see things with greater clarity. It's like having a 3rd person view as you walk among the people operating in 1st person view. These "normal" people are trapped in the world they've been conditioned to accept, and whatever doesn't fit in with that is rejected. I'm more "open minded" because their world never accepted me so I don't have to accept the illusion it tries to sell to me.

Once I learned about AS, it brought a lot of peace of mind because I understood WHY I didn't function like everyone else. It affirmed that I wasn't "defective" (at least as far as being "a man" or my character is concerned).

***

If I had the choice to make, I don't know if I would choose to have AS or not. In hindsight, I can see the attraction of each side. I do wish I knew of AS when I was a teenager before a lot of mistakes were made...back when I assumed I was "normal" because I looked "normal" but I really wasn't. You don't ask a man in a wheelchair to run a marathon, and you don't think less of him if he can't. I held myself to standards created by an NT world rather than focus on being the best person with AS that I could be.

Definitely. It has made my life a living hell. Living in fear and constant doubt made what should have been happy experiences into nothing more than a farce riddled with misery. I kinda feel like my life is a waste. I had so many opportunities to make something of myself. But I failed miserably at all of them.




I understand your point and thanks for the response. But I feel like a failure, whether my circumstances are different to others or not. I guess I shouldn't, but I feel kinda worthless knowing that I have been ignored when it comes to having a 'normal' life.

Who ignored you?

God, fate, whatever you wanna call it.

... But maybe, since you can't have a 'normal' life, maybe you can make it, yours, that life of yours, a very special one?

If you feel that you're all on your own that also means that you have no one to restrains you, no one you might deceive or get upset or whatever. That could mean freedom, couldn't it?

(I say a bit anything again because I don't feel that free myself.)

Just remember that "quality of life" is totally dependant on what you define it as. I wouldn't want to sacrifice lucidity for pleasure, for example. I'm not saying that having AS makes people more lucid, or that I'm even lucid myself, just that I wouldn't want to cut back on it in favour of "pleasure".

Last edited by Henriksson on 30 Sep 2009, 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I would. I definitevely would!

I like it better with pleasure than lucidity.
But that's a personal statement.

Here is something especially for you and appropriately "blue" to cheer you up.

Assuming the beginning doesn't give you an epileptic fit, that is. You'll need volume on for the matching song.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDryhpbtdcw&feature=related[/youtube]

Yes, I suppose you're right however it would require a change of heart in me, which is the difficult part I suppose. But thanks for the comforting words zena.



Yes, I guess the definition of quality is totally subjective. I'm hoping people will base their answer of quality on their own terms when responding in this thread.

ViperaAspis I guess I am a bit blue today, bluer than than normal you could say. Thanks for the post.

Quality of life has very little to do with how much money you make. It's that you make the best with what your currently have. Treasure friends and family. Figure out what has true value and center your life around that.

That said, having money makes many aspects of life easier... so each moring I surf to the Fortune 500 list & if I don't see my name on it, I put on my clothes and go to work.

I think zer0netgain's response is very well written. When I think back at all the time I wasted just trying to be normal and fit in, whereas I could have been developing myself in other ways, it just makes me sick.
I have 3 younger sisters, I would say all have a higher quality of life than me. For example, I've never owned a vehicle, even though I can drive fine, yet alone a nice place to live or the latest gadgets, etc. I think the reason is mostly money. I make less money because most of the work I do is non-specialized general-labour type, and I don't have a full time job. Plus I just can't handle money when I do have it, I always spend it all and have to ask my parents for more.
So I would look at your finances before you blame other parts of yourself.

Hi I Wanna Blue,

Just wanted to say that you're not alone with the constant anxiety and doubts. I also suffer with those on a daily basis. I take medication for OCD, but even that does little against my ruminations, everyday trials. I feel like everyday for me is a battle against anxiety! And a battle every day gets tiring!

Not that this will apply to you, but I just discovered that I also have asthma, and using inhalers has done much to improve my anxiety level. I think some of my anxiety must be caused by lack of oxygen to the brain. This probably won't apply to you, but it goes to show that physical ailments can "sneak" under the radar when you assume that all your woes are due to AS, etc.

I just wanted to give you my support and encouragement. I really felt for you when I read your post.

Even though I just said the everyday battle is tiring, my life wouldn't be as good as it is if I had not tackled every problem head-on. I'm constantly pushing myself to solve everything that takes away my quality of life. And I do have more pleasure and joy in my life than I used to. Even if the battle is tiring.

Please keep going and fight for your happiness!

Dan

Hi I Wanna Blue,

I forgot something. I encourage you to become addicted to the sticky thread above, "What are your favorite sensations?"

I often get distracted by the big picture and overlook the simple things that truly make life pleasurable, like pleasurable physical sensations. Yeah, sounds silly compared to what our society tells us what happiness is, but for me personally, pleasurable physical sensations are the stuff that happiness is made of.

Work and "life" will always give me some anxiety. So I'm going to make sure that I experience pleasurable sensations on a regular basis. I'm also going to pursue my (obsessive!) interests when possible.

Dan