How do I comfort? (death in the family)

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My grandmother is probably going to die today. I'm taking care my grandfather, who's clearly upset. I want to offer some words of consolation but haven't any idea how to properly convey myself... or better yet words that will help him. He and I will be alone for a good while, so something needs to be said. I can't go the whole religious route though.

Sorry to hear about that.

I have no advice of my own to offer, but awhile ago I found this: http://www.ehow.com/how_2098336_console ... rtner.html

It may be useful.

I have a habit of just asking them what I should do. I don't think it's possible to offend somebody or say the wrong thing just by asking how you can help.

She's your grandma so you likely have some fond memories of things she did with/for you. My recommendation is to console him with reminiscing. "I always loved it when Grandma....", "I remember the time when Grandma....". Grandparents want to feel they are having a positive impact on their grandchildrens' lives. This assures him that she had a positive impact on you, something any grandparent wants.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to say, but a few things often inspire me when I talk to people about grief...

My biggest inspiration is a song my mom wrote for my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. Since then, we've lost her mom. Shortly after, my father. Then within the next year, my father's sister, my grandmother's sister, my father's aunt, and my father's brother. So this song has grown to be part of me thoughout all these funerals. I do have the actual song with my mom singing it in my computer, but since I don't think I can upload media like that, I'll just do the lyrics.

Sorry that I'm kinda artsy and poetic about it all. I don't know too many men who are that way, so I'm not sure if it helps your situation or not. My mother has remarried since my father's death, and her husband's mother recently passed away. So, to creatively express my grief, I painted him a picture of a lighthouse, scanned it into the computer, and infused a ghostly figure of his mother's face from her photograph into the light at the light house. He really seemed to appreciate it. He loves lighthouses, which is why I chose that, and then I got to put in some poetic value as I'm obviously obsessed with my mother's song, so I got to portray how a mother's love shines I guess. I also thought about giving him a nice leather journal to write down his thoughts. Some men actually do that, and they don't have to write poetry to do that, and it wouldn't hurt to keep something like that in the family once it's filled. One thing my mother's husband had going on at his mother's funeral that I thought was beautiful was that the family (mainly the little children) put together a huge collage of photographs of her all throughout her life. They surrounded the casket with these collages (on posterboard decorated with scrapbooking type concept) centering it with a huge framed portrait of her.

Hi kekekeke,

Try not to stuck too much in bringing on the "best words". Sometimes in a grieving situation, actions might be even more important. To be with him, show your support with giving him a hug if he cry, hold his hand or give up anything you do when he starts crying, just to sit next to him in silence. By this he will feel that you care and is there for him. But do what feels natural to you. You can also ask him, if there is something he need you to do, that he dont have the energy to do himself at this difficult moment, offer yourself to be his strong hand

Like for example. If he use to be the one going to the grocery store, offer him that you do it in his place. Because beeing upset seeing the beloved wife he had shared his life die can put anyone out of track. But even in the hardest moments daily life needs to go on. He needs to eat. Offer him to buy or make food for him so he can spend his time with your grandmother as much as he can

Janissy gave good example of what I also wanted to suggest. To talk about and - as long as she is around - with your grandmother. When my grandmother died earlier this year this was important to me, to bring on memories and share with my family

Funerals, and the expressed grief, make me uncomfortable. What I do is let them see that I am uncomfortable and say "I am so sorry" or "I don't know what to say".

I went to the funeral of someone I had never met and I was surrounded by strangers who were grieving. I'm not cold, but I simply wasn't going to be as affected by the loss as they were. I looked and said "I am so sorry...".

and I truly meant it. I have a daughter and when meeting the father of the deceased, I felt for him.

Thankfully, NTs have the same problem.

The general advice is to just be there to show your support in time of need.

You don't have to say anything. Just show up and pay your respects.

More people (NTs) make things worse by trying to say or do something and it comes out all wrong. There is never a "right thing" to say when someone has lost a loved one.

Also, the thing about grief is that everyone handles it differently. Most people I see tend to take a while to absorb the information of death, and when I say a while, I mean days to months. It's almost like the closer you are to the situation, the longer it takes to fully register what has happened. After my dad died, I remember there were many times I just wanted to be alone, and many times I needed loved ones around me, and that actually went on for years after his death. The one thing that really helped me make peace with the idea of losing my father is that my husband told me (when we were dating) to just let him rest. Basically, he couldn't rest in peace until I made peace with him. But that was 7 years after his death, and if someone told me that the day of his funeral, it would probably have gone in one ear and out the other.

You will really have to just go with the flow and read the situation. It's really great when people shift the mood from loss of loved one to celebration of the life they lived, but there are times when you do just want to and need to be sad and cry for a while. As hard and impossible as it sounds to do, you really have to pay attention to the non-verbal cues. If you start talking about memories, remember to pay attention to the face of the person you are talking to and make sure they are enjoying the memories with you. If they don't look like they are enjoying them, then it is probably not the best time for it. You might also find ways to make yourself helpful to others if you do read these non-verbal cues and behaviors (many people don't really ask when they want something). One thing to consider is also that your grandfather got used to having your grandmother do certain things, maybe cleaning and cooking or something of that nature. He might appreciate it if you kept visiting on a regular basis to help clean the house, cook him a dinner, and just enjoy each other's company. You might even notice one of his children getting upset about everything and feeling too depressed to keep up with the daily activities. Either way, each person is different and also different during different periods of the grieving process, and you can only make judgement calls about what they do and do not need, as well as what you can and are willing to give. The important thing is to try to be as considerate and respectful as possible. You don't need empathy or even sympathy, just the ability to pay attention to other people, and that's something most people don't do (with or without autism).

I have also noticed that since I've lost my father, I tend to react to other people's funerals with this huge desire to do something. It's like I have to express my sincere condolescences, and a Hallmark card just doesn't cut it. You might be having a huge desire to be there for family as your way to grieve, and if that's the case, there's nothing wrong with it. But if it is the case, then make sure you do find a way to express yourself and don't be too scared to express it. You are allowed to be a little selfish about the selfless acts (if that makes sense).

I've not figured this one out, but as zer0netgain said, everyone has the same basic problem. No one really knows what to do. Fortunately, many cultures and religions have well-established customs and rituals to follow. That may help. Otherwise, just be there for your grandfather, listen, and be willing to help him or other family with anything that needs to be done.

I've found that my AS has actually proved useful at several family funerals. My ability to stay focused and my narrow emotional bandwidth let me help people get a lot of important matters taken care of. I didn't realize at the time that I was doing things others couldn't or wouldn't, but found out later. You may find yourself similarly appreciated, even if you don't feel that way about it at the time.