Refusing Hugs

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How can you politely refuse a hug or other touch? I hate being touched by pretty much anyone except my husband and a few close friends, but I recently started becoming involved in the local pagan community where hugs and touch (holding hands during rituals, etc) are common, even among people who may not know each other well. How can I tell people not to touch me without being rude or offensive?

Have a quick word with the officiator, so he/she can have a quiet word with other attendees. Let her know that you want to be friendly, but that being touched makes you uncomfortable. Pagans are a very open and accepting group, generally speaking, and usually know how to respect personal boundaries. When I got involved with the local pagan community many years ago, I was lucky enough to find a group where the HP was a very observant man. He didn't try to offer hugs to me until about a month after I first started attending and later told me that he had known not to touch too soon by my body language. Not all officiators are that observant, though, and group events are often quite large now, so you may need to make sure that your needs don't get lost in the crowd.

I really relate to this. My ex-wife is pagan and they lay hands on things more than Pentecostals. I've done a lot of theater, too, and people have been angry with me for refusing hugs or stepping out of touching circles. Teaching, too-- I remember one morning meeting I was at where we were discussing inappropriate ways to touch students. I was sitting between the policeman who was speaking to us and a teacher who liked to touch kids. They both kept using me to demonstrate ways of touching that were friendly but might be considered inappropriate. They were both nice and funny about it, and the policeman was even cute, but I was jumping out of my skin and useless for the rest of the day. I could not vocalize then how much it bothered me. I would be able to now, but I wouldn't be able to be nice about it.

I think, though, that pagans and theater people tend to be pretty tolerant of difference, especially if I can laugh at myself a little when I tell them, "I'm sorry, and I know that you mean it well, but it's upsetting for me when people touch me unless I know them very well." I hope I'll be able to do that next it happens to me. In theory-- it's great advice. I haven't followed it very often myself. It's embarrassing, and now that I am aware enough of my autism that I understand how important it is that I follow it, I hate being around people so much that I am rarely around people I do not know well.

Touching is such an important sign of friendliness that I think it's important to give overt signs of friendship that we are comfortable with. I don't mind smiling at people, but I have to make an effort to remember that I should. I do make an effort to adopt non-defensive postures (just not crossing my arms across my chest apparently makes me half as scary). If I were doing pagan stuff now, I would try wearing mittens for handholding stuff or even carrying ribbons for people to hold if mittens were too much. I would feel goofy and pretentious, but then I would look around and ask is I were really being any more goofy or pretentious than anyone else there. Think of the things they wear on their heads.

It might also help to think of ways to communicate this about yourself that would be in keeping with the conventions of the community. It would certainly be appropriate for you to talk to ritual organizers about accommodations you might request or make for yourself that would honor both your respect for others and your own particiaption. If you are asked to do any sort of initiation ritual, I would discuss making your issues about touch a part of it, both as a way of communicating them and as a way to make sure you are bound to the community in ways that are appropriate for you.

that pagan group sounds cool, i myself am into Polytheism but i dont really worship much, i worship demons (i mean entities that aren't god, the catholic god, the Jewish god) or lesser gods but god none the less, like Seth AKA Set AKA Thoth from egypt, Mary and Jesus from Catholicism (only cos I respect my Grandparents and fathers beliefs) but I definately dont worship the Catholic God, I'd rather be Satanic cos it's against stupidity and supports indulgence and humans! where is strict Catholic want you to be something other than human, less than human, sorry for my rants, just letting others know what I believe and you

Yaar...i grin and bear it sometimes...but most of the time I..politely as I can...tell people I am not a huggy person...Someone kept offering me their hand to get out of this impossible electric car yesterday, and i could not take their hand...
I happen to have had my own self-invented religion for the last 10 years, but I am not into the "Pagan" scene.
They used to meet at my venue years ago. Some of them were very nice...but some of them were kinda weird and catty/gossipy...and my difficulty with TOM always keeps me edgy around groups of people like that. I kept enough of a bubble around me that nobody tried to hug me.

I love hugs, but only from people I know

I met this girl at a bar who I tried to avoid, but she kept talking to me. I explained that I didn't care for small talk, but that if you get me on a particular topic and I'll ramble on about it. So she asked me a question about politics. She made me uncomfortable at first, but she turned out to be very nice. Then she wanted to hug me. Damn it...okay... I don't even hug family members unless they move in for one. My mom makes me kiss her on the cheek. I hate that, and she knows it.

Can you just explain that hugs feel uncomfortable to you? Explain that it is nothing personal, but that it's the sensation of being hugged/touched that is the problem.

Ummm. . . sounds like a date to me

I have never had anything against being hugged, hugging, being hugged by persons I like, friends, family, but I HATE it when persons I dislike try to hug me, then I get angry.

I don't like hugging or being hugged either.

What are other peoples reasons for not liking it?

Mine are that it does nothing for me, it makes me ill at ease, instead of giving comfort. Depending on my sensory load at the time hugs go from being slightly physiclly awkward to downright physically painful.

I hug my kids and they hug me and that is OK.

My husband never does it unless I give off the signal that it is OK, by getting in close proximity and remaining there for longer than I usually do. I rarely hug him first but I will recipricate once he starts and I am in the mood. He also knows that I like alot of pressure otherwise it feels creepy even when I do signal that I want to.

However everyone else I know well, knows not to try and hug me unless I instigate it first...............which is very rare. I have only ever verbally explained this to 1 person in my life other people just know this about me.

I wish I could say to use the "I'm uncomfortable when you hug me" script, but I never do, either. I usually grin and bear it. Except one time, I flat out punched a stranger. He was weird and totally bust out a spontanious hug (if you've ever been to an anime convention, you understand)!

Hugs are generally forms of comfort and friendliness, but also a way of touching "just because I want to touch you." That creeps me the heck out. I'm only comfortable when my boyfriend and my parents hug me, and maybe a small selection of close buddies.

Ugh. My grandma loves to hug me. Then she hugs me tightly as well. I just tell her no hug and walk away.

hehe, I didn't like getting a hug or kiss from my grandma, she had gin breath and whiskers

Yeeeahh, I don't think so.

That's one of the things I really dislike about anime conventions! They think that just because I share an interest in anime with them that I want to be touched. NO! I made a girl cry once at a con because I refused to hug her