Wondering whether my boyfriend could be an aspie

Post Reply New Topic

Hey,

I am new to this forum and also to the subject of asperger's. I hope it's not offensive to start posting right away.
The thing is, I am wondering whether my boyfriend could have asperger's syndrome. The thought did not come to me on my own but from someone else, and I don't know whom else to aks about this.
Unfortunately, I haven't read muuuch about asperger's, but I'm wondering whether you could help me.

When I met my boyfriend four years ago, he seemed very outgoing and talked quite a lot (we met in a group on a journey), but I somehow noticed that he didn't ask me much about myself.
When we got together, that soon became an obvious problem. He does not ask much (if not to say, anything) about me, especially concerning feelings, motivations, goals, dreams etc. We actually could talk pretty well before we got together, but that changed rapidly somehow. He can talk for a long time without needing signs of approval, but he NEVER talks about his feelings, the way he sees things, what he finds important in life etc. Don't get me wrong, I think he has quite a lot of interesting ideas and comments and can talk about politics on and on......and very often notices small things that I wouldn't have noticed and comments on them. But....he does not seem to be introspective AT ALL. the thing is, I have often accused him of being shallow, but acutally I sense and believe that he is not. He denies that saying he has a loooot of things going on inside but never talks about them. this is a very big big big problem in our relationship, and we almost split up because of that several times, because I so often have the feeling that he is a complete stranger to me ..... still, I love him very much, and rarely feel that we have a special connection, but...... I almost always feel that he is NOT LISTENING when I am talking to him, even though when I ask him he says he IS interested and listening ...he gives very few non-verbal signs that encourage me to go on with what I am talking about, and he does not look at me very often, or just takes a glance, then looks away, and so on......which is very depressing, esp. because I think of myself as a very attentive listener .....however, when I ask him if he is not interested, does not love me etc., he STRONGLY denies that..... we spend a lot of time and in a way I am sure that he likes me a lot, but there are so many verbal and non-verbal signs of affection lacking....... anyways, what makes me thing he might def. not be an aspie is that he actually likes bodily affection....... I don't know what else to add. I have never known anyone similar, actually. Of course there are people who seem to differ extremely in their cognitive functions from mine and I match up with similar people more often, but its not that what I find different in him. His way of thinking seems to be completely different from everyone else I know, and he is not able to explain it to me .....
sorry about ranting on and on here. maybe he is just a bit excentric, but I would really appreciate to hear what you think about that.
thanx a looooot in advance.

I forgot to add that he seems to lack empathy (I know that this might be a prejudice), at least that he does not show empathy (he says that he feels empathetic, but I can barely see that), and that he often does not respond to questions, or gives a delayed response which makes me think he is not interested in talking to me...

Doesn't sound aspie.

I don't know, he could be. Many Aspies like bodily affection, just only in certain ways with certain people, like everyone else in the world.

Tell him exactly what you want from him, and be very clear and unambiguous. He very well may not have the ability to create or process the usual nonverbal cues, and he may find eye contact way too intense, so he actually may find it easier to listen to the actual content of what you're saying if he's looking at something neutral and not distracting. He may be trying very hard to listen to you after all! Ask him to nod if he's listening or give you some other physical or verbal cue that shows he understands, and explain that you can't tell by his body language whether he's listening.

You have to accept that he may be very uncomfortable with or just plain bad at spontaneous expressions of affection. Tell him what you'd like him to do and I'm sure he'd be happy to do it and relieved to be given instructions, because the anxiety comes from not being able to figure out what to do. Don't be disappointed that you have to tell him what to do, be happy that he wants to show you he loves you even though he doesn't know how.

For example, instead of saying "You never give me compliments, I feel like you don't appreciate me," tell him something like "If you like something I did or am doing, I'd love you to tell me so because it makes me very happy when you do that."

Tis odd, I was very much the same with my boyfriend upon first meeting him and he comments on it quite a bit actually.

I suppose I was just quite overjoyed when I met him, and was just happy being around him-you know, the first phase and all of that. But once we got to know one another better, I closed up quite a bit. Not on purpose, not really consciously... it just kind of happened. I got comfortable and was more of myself after that... and unfortunately for him, me being comfortable generally means not wanting to talk about feelings and emotions, or anything in the future, or "dreams" "goals", etc.... anything not in the here and now that I can talk about or do something about doesn't really seem all that important to me. As far as asking him things about his day and such, it just doesn't happen. I figure if he wants to tell me something, he will, whether I ask him to or not, and don't really get why he wants/needs the prompting.

If I'm listening at all, I'm interested. I don't feel a need to comment every few seconds or anything if he is just talking about something interesting, and it doesn't mean I am always going to have something to say in response. He can say things that are very interesting at times, and if I have no thoughts myself on it, or just agree, then I have nothing to add, therefore say nothing.

If I'm not shooing someone out the door, then I like being with them for the most part... He has a lot of trouble grasping that at times... he needs lots of reminders that I love him, but I feel I'm showing it very clearly by my actions, and words are meaningless often unless backed up by action... but... actions speak louder than words does not always ring true when someone is impacted emotionally.

When someone opens up to talk about their feelings, I feel as if I've hit a roadblock. Sometimes because I know that is when they watch me and my reactions the most... to see whether or not I care, and I know there are certain expectations they have of me in how I react to show that I'm "normal" or "interested" and whatnot, but I just cannot display them the same way others expect me to be able to, and if I try to fake it, that makes it a LOT worse, because it is blatently obvious that my reactions are fake.

When people want to talk to me about emotions, it's like I'm put under a microscope, and I'm expected to "perform" to some degree to show that I care-listening is just not enough. Then they expect me to talk about my own emotions... heck, I can't even name most of my emotions, or realize they are happening until well after the fact. It's a tough place to be put in.

Wow, thank you very much! this has already helped a lot.....

@Chizpurfle: thanks a lot, that's very interesting to know and actually very essential I think; it's important for me to remember not to accuse him of not knowing by himself what he is supposed to do .... the comment concerning the compliments hits the nail on the head, somehow .... I'll try and express it in a different way....

@anxiety: oh.....that really sounds so, so, so familiar.....really! this process of closing up.....I would have expected it the other way around, and good to hear that it could possibly mean that he feels comfortable (I always thought he was getting bored....so soon)......it is really like him to talk about things in the here-and-now..... and concerning "faking" an emotional reaction...I think he does it so often, because I told him when I was hurt by him not reacting....... he seems to "pretend" reactions a lot, I think, with many different people, and I find it so obviously fake......
I think what makes me want some verbal expression of emotions, affection, etc. is that he does not express it through body language or other non-verbal behaviour....he expresses it through action, though, but "action" in a quite literal sense....
He also does not react when he has nothing to say to what I have been saying, even if he says he finds it interesting.... mh.... I don't really know how to differentiate when he's interested and when not.....

thank you a lot, again....

lol, not sure if your meaning of action is the same as mine... I'm like "I get you sodas when you ask for them, I cook you dinner sometimes-that means I love you".

Okay, so when I look at how I show it vs. how it is in the movies and all of that, it seems quite... well, invalidating that it is really what affection would look like. But I guess I figure I could quite literally say "I love you" to everyone I meet on the street, and it wouldn't make a bit of difference as to how I actually feel about them. For me to go out of my way to do nice things for someone else, that's a big deal to me.

For me to pretend or attempt to do seemingly impossible things to make my boyfriend feel more secure, that is a big deal for me to actually try... and quite frankly, that is the only way I know what he's after. Even if it comes across as really fake, when he is really really needing it from me, he appreciates the effort even when I get it all wrong.

Him: Could you try to look a little more interested in what I'm saying?
Me: (tries)
Him: Okay, could you try to look less interested? You're scaring me.

I can understand it, and not. I have Aspe and I love being touched and hugged and body contact in general with my wife (ONLY HER).
I think that many AS have a greater gap between parents/child/partner/rest of the world. Many AS like body contact with parents/child/partner but dislike it with others. As for the closing, I think it's normal (at least for me). Many AS doesn't like small talking. I talked a lot with my wife because I was interested in her ideas, believe, story, etc.. once I known that it's worthless to repeat so now I talk far far less. I'm still interested in her. She is my wife. She is MY FAMILY. So yes I'm interested but probably in a different way. Body language doesn't mean anything for an AS so don't try to read him.

What I can say?

Stuck with fact. Does he do things for you if you ask? Does he tell you that he wants you if you ask? So he loves you. I know that "usual" people likes signs to keep interaction going, but we are not all the same

Mh, yes, he says he loves me when I ask him....mh....what do you mean with "does he do things for you if you ask him?"...that's difficult to answer ....but maybe it's just a personal problem and has nothing to do wit AS. I sometimes told him that I need more "proof" that he needs me etc., and then he sends me a postcard and that's it.....I mean, he forgets about is again and it's like before...... after I met him I wanted to share things that are important for me (some ideas, my poetry etc) and he often did not react at all, or if he reacted it was a one-word-reaction like "mh" or so. I know this must all seem like he doesn't like me at all and is just a stupid boyfriend...but....somehow I still want to think that he likes me, er...... I started closing up as well because I was disappointed. and he doesn't seem to care about that at all . He also never mentions that he misses me. I think he simply doesn't. not that this seems to have to do anything with AS.
often when I gave him birthday presents I thought he would really like he'd just say "thank you" and when I'd be sad that he did not react he'd get very artificial saying "oh really thank you!" and I kept asking "you don't like it" and he went on in this artificial voice saying "but I do, I do"..... sorry, I go on ranting again.....
I have a..... somewhat stupid question, and I don't intend to offend you....... do AS people have less eye-MOVEMENT than others? I hope this does not sound stupid ..... it's something I saw when I watched some videos, and it's something he does not have....he can also have a very lively face, but in MY point of view his mimic is still a biiiit limited. don't know how to describe it..... it''s not that he doesn't laugh or things like that....he rather looks away often, looks at different things, in different directions, looks behind you when talking to you.....which seems really inattentive.

Welcome to WP!