Another eye contact question

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Would you count this as poor eye contact? If I'm having a conversation with someone, I can look at their eyes for a bit, as they speak. If our eyes meet for more than a few seconds (more or less, depending on how comfortable I am with the person), I'll glance away momentarily. I do this because otherwise I can't hear what they are saying. I notice the eyes too much, and I can't pay attention to what they are saying. But, I think I'm able to keep glancing back enough that I don't appear disinterested.

When I'm doing the talking, I can only look at the other person's eyes if I'm asking a quick question, like, "Will you be in your office this afternoon?" If I'm telling a teacher about how my son struggled with his homework last night, or talking about anything that requires some reflection, then I have to look to the left/down. Or at least away. Again, the eye contact doesn't make me feel threatened or pained in anyway (with some exceptions) but it makes it so I forget what I was saying. It's not so bad until I become aware that I'm not looking at the person, even though I should be.


I'm just wondering how "normal" that is. I've never had anyone comment on my poor eye contact, so I assume it's not that noticeable. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I had any reason to think my eye contact was any different than anyone else's. My mother's eye contact is exactly like mine. I mean, are there plenty of NT's who experience eye contact in that way? Or is it reasonable to think of this as an AS characteristic. (Online AS tests almost always peg me as a probable aspie, but I doubt if I'd qualify for a real dx.)

Just today, when I was at the store, the checker asked if I had found everything okay. I looked at him and said, "No, actually, I was..." but while I was saying those words, he was looking at me, naturally, and that became a distraction. I could tell that I was starting to lose focus on what I was trying to say, so I looked away. But the bagger was right there, also looking at me intently. I had this fleeting, internal moment of dread. Like, omg, the queue is backing up, and the employees are gathering around to hear what I have to say, and I can't remember the name of that stuff I was looking for. Eventually, I managed to get it out (and got the last four 6-packs of Hornsby's Dry Cider at half-price!) but it was kind of uncomfortable.

I don't know how much of your questions I can answer about it being normal. I can glance at other people's eyes when asking a question but that's it. When talking to them I watch hands or just look down. I also have most of my conversations sitting by someone and not across so it isn't too noticable that I'm not looking at them.

I'm exactly like you in my eye contact. Direct focus on the eyes for any length of time isn't possible for me.

I only focus directly on the other persons eyes at certain "critical" moments - such as when I'm asking a direct question or when I'm acknowledging that I'm listening as they begin to ask a question. The rest of the time I'm either looking in the general direction of their face but not focused - or I'm looking away. I look away if I need to think or come up with a picture in my head. I also squint or shut my eyes, sometimes touching my face with my hand, when I have to recall something or formulate a response to a difficult question.

I'm also interested in hearing if any NT's are the same way.

I rarely ever look at anyone's eyes when i talk to them. I look at different parts of their face when i talk to them and when they talk to me, i HAVE to look at their mouth/teeth. It's like i have to match their words with the movement of their mouth to process what they are saying. If i look at their eyes, i won't have the slightest idea what they've just told me. I do make eye contact, but as soon as they make eye contact with me and i with them, i quickly shift my eyes somewhere away from their face. I find it very uncomfortable.

Sounds about right Elderwanda, I think that where you look when glancing away can be important too though. I tend to try and keep facing them directly, so looking just over their shoulder or at their hands is still paying attention while looking out of a window or at a tv or something would be a little bit rude. Squaring your shoulders towards them, facing them directly is quite important for making it appear you're paying attention and not disrespecting the other person. If you were to look away at say a 30 degree angle or turn your shoulders away that would appear to be a cut-off gesture which is very rude when someone is in the middle of talking to you. Good to know if it's someone you don't want to talk to though

When people talk in a way that requires reflection they do look away (too much info to process just as you say) but make eye contact at certain parts of their monologue, I think it can be used to emphasize a point you're trying to make so make eye contact for a second or two when you get to the important part and also at the end of what you're saying. A lot of people might ask 'do you know what I mean?' at this point and which is obviously a time you'd want to make eye contact as you'll be able to tell if they do or not by their expression usually.

When the other is talking is when we should make the most eye contact i think, around 60-70% of the time but when we are talking it can go down to 20-30% of the time but I see NTs who do a lot more, it depends on who you're talking to and how comfortable you are with them too. I don't find this too difficult but it is very tiring and I often forget completely if the conversation is a long one.

What I said about facing them with shoulders and not looking away at a large angle is probably as just important. If you're both sat facing out in the same direction, like on a sofa or bench, bring your outside shoulder towards the person so you're facing them obliquely, if they do the same they're enjoying the conversation, this is called mirroring and you can do it in the other direction too works very well for creating rapport, if they sit forward you do the same etc if you have to cross your legs cross towards the person you're speaking to. (sorry went off on one there lol)

I tend to stare people down when they're talking to me. It's like I don't know how to modulate it.