Knowing your limits with people...

Post Reply New Topic

I've noticed that I can tell when watching my son talk with people whether or not he has given away too much information about himself depending on how close they are to him... and he can do the same with me at times.

But I wonder if any of you have figured out a way to keep it under control WHILE talking to certain people.

I'll tell my son things like "you aren't supposed to tell your whole family history to people you don't know!" but there is a big difference between knowing that and remembering that when I'm talking... I know what SHOULD happen at times, but it's like my mind comes up with these thoughts and they just pour out of my mouth. Then later, I think about it and get mad at myself because I wasn't able to stop myself and likely lost a potential friend or made someone think I'm weirder than I already appear to be.

I use "cliche". I have some "standard" comunication I use alway when I first meet someone, it's like a "mind-manual". I have spent many days to do it, but it works fine.

I've mentioned this poem before.

It seems to mirror many people's experiences on here as well as my own. Kind of spooky really. I always smiled when I used to read that poem because it made me realise that I was not the only person having to learn set polite pieces to socially get by.

All the time! It's exactly like you described, words just come out that I had no idea where they came from, like I just had random thoughts and they escaped. I get very mad at myself but I keep doing it. So I avoid talking to people as much as possible. I've been told I "lack filters" and from what I have read, I suppose it might be due to sensory overload or stress when talking to people I don't know well. I seem to do better when I can communicate by email or online like this (usually, not always.) I now know better than to go on about my special interests, but I'm not doing any better socially, worse in some ways because of the random stuff that might come out instead.

Nightsun, would you mind to elaborate on this, like what kinds of topics? And how you got yourself to stick to it? Sometimes I think up sort of a basic "script" but then I get asked a question that throws me off...I either shut down or just start rambling.

In my 20's I used to be better...I used to get people to talk about themselves, which most people would rather do anyway, and I would mostly listen. Now I just don't have the patience, can't think of the right questions anymore... I seem to have lost it somehow as my technical skills grew. I hope it isn't that I have to choose one or the other!

My best technique, so far, is to keep reminding myself that (1) people really don't care about the details of my life, and (2) when people want to know how things are going, all they want to hear is "fine" as a response.

After reading many books, seeing video-tapes and some world expirience I've built a sort of program tree in my mind.

You need only to process incoming information. When you talk with someone at the begining body-language is more important than spech.

Let's take some example:
I don't like eye-contact, actually I try to avoid it, but I KNOW that when I must "show up" I MUST do a 1-2 seconds eye contact when I'm saying something important or when other people thinks they are doing it. JUST DO IT. Actually you don't need to really see people eyes, Looking their mouth or nose is enough.

Also a very important things is general-questioning and small talks:

Small talks:
people expect small talk if you meet them and already know them or if you are in forced closeness (a lift for example). Good things to say are:
"hello, how are you?"
"Today is really cold"
"Today is really hot"

or if you know them better things like:
"How are your children/family?"

Those answer doesn't need a real question and you can prepare one before: a reply like "just fine" or "yes, it's cold, I had my coat off my wardrobe" are ok. And if you are asking first you don't need to listen for a reply.

If instead you need to talk for a work or to a professor/boss the important things to remember is generality/tone/spech structure.
For istance my co-worker admire me because I'm very good at avoiding bad-question. Actually I don't avoid them really, simply many people ask you the first thing that came them in mind but then they don't remember the question so you can give a slightly off-topic answer.

Let's make an example.

You must talk to have a work.
You can prepare a mental-frame with the following subject in this order:

- your curriculum studies
- your good-ideas (I really focus on my work, I've a good eye for details, etc..)
- why they must give you the work.

You can also prepare a few other standard answers, for istance many people notice the ring on my finger and understand that I'm married. I've married at 23 years so I was pretty young. I expect that people ask about that. I need a work. A reply like "Oh...well...we love" isn't good. A good reply is:

"I had an house, money and finished my studies. There were no reason to avoid it, when I know that something is good I just "finish" it" and then add "yes, it's seems strange, but actually I think that it make me more "mature" and I need a good work, I'll not change it without a reason because I have a family".
So I've turned something strange to an advantage. Actually I can give this answer at a lot of question:
"What is that ring?"
"Are you married?"
"What's your family?"
etc..
Many question, one good answer.

These days I err on the side of saying too little because I can reveal too much information or say it in a very blunt manner. One sign that I have said something atypical or shown naivety is the other person erupting in laughter or snickering.

Concerning the simple social scripts Nightsun mentioned: I cannot manage the basics. I can say hello when greeted, and sometimes goodbye. However, I cannot ask how someone is. I will attempt to get it off my tongue, but it gets stuck and I remain silent.

I'm not sure it's really an AS problem but it's likely AS induced. I had the same problem before and I have the same while meeting people I know since childhood. Basically the problem I see is the following:
AS -> unable to understand and cope with society
unable to understand and cope with society -> shy
Now also if you understand how to "cover" you AS problems you'll still be shy.

Me too. It's not an ideal solution but it avoids a lot of embarrassment. Problem is, I can't afford to get engaged in the conversation or I'll be saying inappropriate things in no time. And not getting engaged in conversation is kind of unsatisfying.

I often feel naked after talking to people. Sometimes I HAVE in fact told them more than what's appropriate, sometimes I just feel like I have, I can't tell which until much later. I hate that exposed feeling, it makes me feel so vulnerable, but sometimes I can't help myself. I can't moderate how much I tell people, I either say too little to create a bond or too much and then I feel so naked I have to pull back and not see them for a while. I'll even avoid them if I see them at the mall, just because I feel so awkward.

Some periods are better than others, when I meet people and get to know them well enough to trust them I'll tell them pretty much anything. That usually makes them trust me a lot so I can actually achieve really close relationships, where I find out things about people they haven't told anyone else. But it's an all or nothing kind of thing. I can rarely sustain that level of intensity for long (unless it's romance) and inevitably we drift apart. I only have one friend right now, I think we've bonded mainly because her son might be autistic too. She's lovely, but I'm sure she'd be less interested in our friendship if her son was a typical NT.

This is interesting, I just saw something on television about this. There are relationships called "business relationships" and experts say one way to stay out of conflicts with people you are having a tense time with is to say very little to them. Be very short and concise, don't give too much information and try to keep the interaction as pleasant as possible. They recommend this type of communication for people in business settings and between feuding spouses with children, but, it could work in just about any environment where people aren't on the friendliest of terms but must deal with each other on a frequent basis. The hardest part would be smiling and looking at ease when, on the inside, you are upset or nervous. It's very hard for me to disguise stuff like that. I either want to let it all out or run and hide.

Interesting topic. I find I do reasonably OK at this assuming the other person isn't deliberatetly being too prying. For some reason, it always comes back to boundary issues for me, in one form or another. I have friends and certain relatives who I can literally say anything to; then there are co-workers, acquaitences & some relatives with whom I am very careful about what I tell them.