Emotional Meltdowns?

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(sorry it's another long one, just warning ya!)

I've been reading about the aspie 'meltdown' caused by either sensory overloads OR as the result of "not being in control of our emotions". I can't comment on the sensory overload cos as I have no apparent sensory issues. But I am going to argue here why people with AS are just as in control of their emotions as everyone else is.

I'm saying this cos I've had some issues with anger in the past. I usually go for the standard punch at the nearest wall but I've been known to smash mirrors or other objects. I couldn't even bring myself to fix it up and just hung a poster over it most of the time. I can’t even look at it or I feel bad about what happened. Yes, this is the remorse that people with AS have, but it’s not just us! Everyone else feels this way too. Then why can I not take responsibility for it? Because I am made to feel bad enough already for fulfilling one of my diagnostic ‘traits’, and I don’t want to be reminded of those. That’s the difference between me and Joe Average who thumps the wall now and then. His problems are more over, after his outburst than my problems after mine. That's right, the thought of having AS can be a source of intense frustration for me sometimes. No, seriously. REALLY BAD frustration! I’ve said this to people before- “Imagine finding out that you can never make friendships, that you can never marry, never have children, never find happiness in life, how would YOU feel about that?” I’m not saying those things aren't possible for someone with AS, they definitely are and I hear about it happening all the time! But when I get depressed, I think there's no hope and this best describes the way I feel. Many can never understand cos they’ve done a heap of those things that I feel I can't.

But people seem to forget that NTs get overloaded and lash out too. I'm thinking of sports people in particular, but I know it happens to normal everyday people, just not as often. Who knows, maybe it does and they just manage it better. But are they really 'managing' their emotions or is it something else? There are a few issues make it seem worse for us...

1: Bottling it up
NTs are more likely to get in people's faces and yell. Or they'll talk to friends they trust in order to discuss and solve the problems. People with AS typically have less friends. Also we like to avoid arguments because we can't keep up with the other person speech-wise. Also we seem to be much nicer people and maybe don't want to hurt anyone else. This can lead to a bottling effect.

2: Emotional assets
I get annoyed in computer games sometimes. If someone seems like they're picking on me or cheating against me it ticks me off a bit. Then I think, "Ok why does this annoy me so much?" The answer: It doesn't annoy me MORE than it annoys the NT in the same position; it's the chain reaction that sets me off. I think "it's more annoying to me cos it's the ONLY thing I have to care about at the moment. I have only a few friends and no relationship, and even though I want those things they seem out of reach sometimes. This chain reaction increases the amount of possible trigger points to anger. "It's easier to see the good if there's more good there to see" if you will. An NT's other commitments and involvements give them a bigger picture to look at and draw comfort from. If an AS was to have those things too the small things wouldn't bother them. eg. If I was told that a girl I had a thing for was interested in me, and then I went home and had the same bad experience with the game, I wouldn't care as much or at all. This factor is the main one for me and is too often overlooked.

3: Self-Hate
An issue we may have is frustration with ourselves and the mistakes we make. We can't get away from ourselves, right? Spending quiet time alone 'cooling off' just puts us in solitary with our own thoughts and is likely to make things worse, not better. This rules out things like exercise and driving that other people may do to calm themselves.

4: Understanding
Whenever I acted out it was usually when my dad was around. He's a high school teacher and I know he means well but he could say the most insensitive things when I was frustrated because that's what he was used to saying to the school kids. Parents may act in a way that puts discipline first and ignores the root issue, making the child angrier due to apparent lack of understanding or caring. People may say things like 'cool off' or 'calm down' that insult our state of mind, and turns the anger onto ourselves even more, sometimes resulting in a delayed outburst of self-hate instead of the original cause. In an NT it's more likely to cause anger at the parent or other person.

5: Authority… not?
Maybe not so much a problem as researchers believe. The bottling up of emotions can lead to the classic aspie 'problem with authority' but in fact we're lashing out at them cos they're the nearest target and sometimes even the source of annoyance. It's not that we have a problem with authority per se, but they're more likely to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, acting as a trigger to the outburst. Put a NT in the same situation and with the same amount of contributing factors and they’ll act the same way.

Well, there's my thoughts on the 'emotional meltdown', one of the things the AS label may cause us to feel bad about but in reality isn't that 'abnormal' once you make sense of it! Anyways I feel better getting that off my chest. Hopefully someone else gets something out of it too!

-JD

You make some interesting points. Personally I have better control over anger as a unanticipated benefit of anti-depressants, but I used to get very angry and sometimes filled with blind rage if I felt like someone was ridiculing me. I would even have violent thoughts toward the person. Maybe because I'm female and I'm culturally conditioned not to act out those impulses or maybe because I am very aware of actions have consequences. My son has anger issues that seem to be ego related. He is diagnosed AS. He is 11 and gets very angry if he's having trouble with a computer game. I'm guilty of telling him to calm down because I don't know what else to say. I understand your point and if I'm upset it makes me madder too (hypocrite alert) but his anger affects me too. What would you want someone to do or say? That's not a rhetorical question btw, I could use some ideas. I know validating feelings is a way but at his age he's just going to say "Well,duh!". He has been in a snit all day because a neighbors 2 month old puppy bit him and tore his shirt. He takes it personally and won't listen to reason that the puppy is just being a puppy. He'll get over it but he seems to take things like this and video games as a personal insult. He loves that puppy btw. Anyway, like I said you do make some good points, but overall, what would help you?

Some part of me regards violence as just the wrong response so I don't act on my violent feelings, but certainly sometimes I have violent thoughts during a meltdown. But then I think people have all sorts of thoughts when they're angry that they control. I think that's why people say things like "I could kill him" when in reality they wouldn't.

Anti-depressants eh? I should probably be on those permanently anyway...

I'm not sure about ego, that's something I don't remember. I'm a second and youngest child so when I was younger I was more prone to acting out if I didn't get what I want. Maybe that's it. In recent times all my outbursts were the result of pure frustration and depression. These are like on a 1-3 every year basis. Although when my parents come to visit they are way more likely to happen. I seem to take things personally so I can relate to that. I think it was because of my school experiences, whenever another kid did something to me it WAS personal so I just started feeling that way about everything. Maybe something like that is as work with your son? Dunno if you could find out. My cousin takes things personally too, he's 14 and 4th in a family of 5 and he often gets pushed around by one of his older brothers and sometimes his sister. I think the anger is just his age cos as far as everything else goes he's a very normal and reasonable kid.

As for what to say... Yes, you could ask what the matter really is as it's obviously not a video game or a puppy but you're right, at his age I don't think he'd tell you but you never stop asking anyway! You also have to be really careful about your tone. If he senses annoyance in your tone and sees it in your face he will shut down on you. But at the same time you can't let him walk all over you by being TOO caring. But it sounds like you know all this already! But I DID get really frustrated when I was obviously depressed and my parents couldn't even ask me what the matter was. Maybe they just assumed. Even if you think you know, never assume.

You could try to introduce something that he'll enjoy and won't get angry about, but it'd have to be good to get over the threshold. You could try getting his friends to hang out with him but he's approaching the age where he has to do that himself and honestly I think it's a problem many people his age face. I was in social isolation for a year and a half at age 14-15 and it left me way behind with the learning of social rules. I don't think I ever caught up. Don't let this happen!

Speaking of my cousins, they had video games almost completely banned for them at a young age and I think it helped them a lot. You mention games, how long does your son spend on them? Is it too much time? Studies that say violent games are related to violence are wrong. I think it's antisocial activities in general that can promote violence cos of the 'emotional assets' thing. If he's on there too much you could try cutting him back on it and organising more outdoor activities for your son. Like maybe soccer or something, whatever he's good at. I was good at soccer cos I had bad hand-eye coordination but good foot-eye coordination. Go figure! I never joined a club or anything though but looking back, it may have helped me.

Oh and I forgot to mention control in my original post. I think a root cause of teenage angst is lack of control. They know their peers or parents can, in theory, do whatever they want to them and they can't do anything about it. This can also lead to bullying. Your son may also be angry at a lack of control of his environment, so you could try to introduce as many things as possible that he CAN do well, or like I mentioned before a sport or group activity of some kind that he's good at.

Yeeeeah I'm not good at this, that's why I'll never be a competent father! But I hope something will help you here!

I didn't have meltdowns, but in college, I did have 2 or 3 anxiety attacks and intentionally starved myself for 24 hours.

The thing you said about video games was very interesting, as you're sort of right.

Back when I used to play video games a lot as a kid I would get mad because I thought "if I'm not at least good at this, I'm no good at anything, and I'm a loser"

Yeah, it's not like anything else in my life was really going well, so I had to hope for that beyond anything else.

These days, I barely play video games, and when I do, either I don't care as much when I lose, or I'll just be playing the game to kill some time, and I'll just go thru it so fast and be like "this used to cause me problems....really?".

The anxiety of the moments back then also used to get to me, but I understand where you're coming from.

You do make some very good points.