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This year I became reacquainted with a friend with whom I grew close. He's a very kind, talented individual. In recent months I've realized there are a number of interactions that, individually, I gave no thought to initially, however, collectively the interactions and information began to perplex me.

At one point, my friend (in his late 30's) abruptly stopped talking to me then exhibited what appeared to be uncharacteristic behaviors towards me (he's usually very kind and has an excellent professional career). Due to a serious medical condition he has, I contacted a relative of his and "just to let you know that there appear to be some changes in behavior that may be medical". The response surprised me. I was told, "He developed fondness for you and wanted a romantic relationship with you. He didn't know how to tell you and is trying to get over you." I had no idea and contacted him for a conversation (I had had romantic feelings for him for months).

He told me his feelings and we began spending more time together. He told me that he had stopped talking to me because he had thought I was mad at him (there was no event or words that supported this). During this time he said things such as, "I can't read your expressions." and "I don't like to talk on the phone." He started sharing poetry. I was impressed that he had memorized a poem 18 years prior... in fact memorized multiple poems... plays the piano very well... very intelligent with an excellent career... can't swim... we went dancing and he struggled to learn... he would have fits similar to that of a young child... when I was happy, he was happy... then I realized that if I expressed my opinion ("I'm unhappy because...") he became intensely angry. When we were around one of his relatives he began speaking just like her... I was wondering if I should attend an event and was discussing it with him when he said, "You told me to go when I had to go to a similar event so you should go."... he told me that e-mail is easier for him and keeps saying, "I'm not a phone person."... he frequently thinks I'm angry at him when I'm not at all and he needs lots of reassurance... told me he missed half a day work when he agonized over one thought... told me he missed sleep for an entire night when he agonized over one thought (that time I remember I had mentioned to him I was frustrated because we hadn't reached each other to finish a logistical conversation)... He would say, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." then would be intensely upset over one statement... many times he said, "I have very low self esteem."... Despite all the positive things I said to him, he persisted like this... I inquired, "Have you ever considered anything like prozac?" He said, "I have a psychiatrist and take a low dose of an anti-anxiety drug." He did not share the diagnosis and I did not ask as I did not want to pry. He has recently decided to seek therapy and I'm giving him space.

I began to wonder, is this AS? To my knowledge, he is not diagnosed. I am not comfortable bringing this question up to him. His reactions, intense thinking, and communication confusions are something that I do not experience with other persons.

I've been wondering how to communicate with him more effectively (my romantic feelings aside; if a romantic relationship does not work, I'd like to effectively be a long term friend. He's clearly stated how much he wants me in his life). Soliciting feedback from him on this has not provided useful results as of yet. One AS website says, "try Socratic communication"... really? only ask someone questions and never have a conversation?

Someone informed me of this website and suggested I post this situation here for feedback, information, and insights...

Does this sound at all like AS? How might communication with him be more effective?

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It does sound a bit aspie.

The best communication would be written.

Have a read through these...

Letter Writing in Relationships - Communicating in Aspie (Part 1)
Letter Writing in Relationships - Communicating in Aspie (Part 2)

There's more on my site under "relationships"

First things first, welcome to Wrong Planet! It's a great resource, and I hope you'll use it well.

I don't have much anxiety at all (my attitude is if I can't do anything about something, there's no point in worrying) or low self-esteem, so I'll leave that part for someone else to comment on. The phone aversion sounds very Aspie-like to me. I avoid phone calls as much as I can; even if I start the call and it's to someone I know very well, I will start rocking and pacing/picking at my skin. Once this summer after a stressful day at work (country club, the demon children were having a birthday party), it got to where I couldn't even say what I wanted (I would give the exact same effort to talk as I normally do, but only one very quiet syllable would come out). However, after I managed to tell my mom to get on Gmail, we could have a conversation like normal. I would avoid calling him if you could email instead, but at the same time, he has to realize there are times when calling is the only option.

The memory abilities sound very aspie-like as well (for instance, I still remember the two words Willis McGahee was told to remember after his helmet-to-helmet collision in the AFC title game). However, don't be offended if he doesn't remember something you told him over the phone, as that takes a lot more concentration (which is being expended on not stressing out).

The inability to read your expressions is another Aspie characteristic. I can't read body language intuitively; instead, I have to consciously note every signal and remember what it means. He always assumes you're angry because simply put, he has no signs of what you actually are feeling, and his self-esteem issues lead him to assume the worst.

As my signature shows, I can't dance to save my life either. Luckily for me, the current dance trend doesn't require as much coordination.

As for bringing this up with him, I think that's a great idea. It would show him that you do understand his quirks, and that you won't misinterpret his behavior. I would just say something like "Have you ever heard of Asperger's syndrome? I've been reading up on it lately, and some of the signs reminded me of you." I don't think he'll be offended, although it sounds like he may need some reassurance that you don't consider that a bad thing and that your feelings for him haven't changed.

I hope you find this helpful! If you have any other questions at all, don't hesitate to ask.