What IS vs. what it LOOKS LIKE

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For NTs, what it looks like is more the truth than what it is.

I suggest watching the movie "Lady Chaterley's Lover" or whatever it's called in DVD, for a very enjoyable enactment of what I mean.

I first learned this when I started observing NTs a few years ago at work. My left-hand side colleague would always tell me and the other colleague about something she did, and I'd go: "But why do that? There was no need..." and she'd explain she'd done that because otherwise it'd look to the boss as if she'd done X instead of Y. I'd tell her "But what matters is what you actually did, not what it looks like." and she'd say I was wrong. Out of 2 options, she'd sometimes do the wrong or worse one, because it looked better than the correct action. I thought it was to ingratiate herself with the boss, but no, it was because she has normal theory of mind, and so she knows that for an NT, what it looks like is more important than what it is.

An oversimplified example, for the sake of clarity:
It's your friend's birthday today. You've been meaning to buy her a specific thing that you know she'll absolutely adore and could never buy for herself, but you're going through a hectic time and haven't had the time to go to that specific neighborhood where they sell that specific thing. So what do you do?

1. What IS - you explain to her that you haven't had the time to buy her present and you'll do it asap.
2. What it LOOKS LIKE - you buy something, anything, whatever, whether it'll suit her or not. The most important is to have a present for her on the same day of her birthday.

People generally choose option 2 in the example, because what it looks like is more important than what is. In option 1, you actually love your friend more. But in option 2 it LOOKS LIKE you love your friend more. Your friend will appreciate your doing what LOOKS better, than what IS actually better.

This is a huge difference between Aspies and NTs, a difference that causes much of the misunderstanding of us, lessened appreciation of us, and trouble in the workplace. One of the several pillars of NT society that we Aspies don't participate in, just like the pecking order, the doing things with speech, etc.

NTs' rationalization is this: You don't always have a well-timed opportunity to explain to the person what IS. So you'd better go with what it LOOKS LIKE, to be on the safe side.

Thankfully, I only have a couple of friends and they would be perfectly happy to accept my "There's a gift I really want to give you, but I haven't been able to get it quite yet. I'm doing it as soon as possible, because it's perfect for you."

thanks for the explanation, Greentea.

ugh, no wonder people don't like me

if I ever hope to hang onto a job, I'd better figure out how to do what looks right I guess or find somewhere to work where being right is more important.

There's a fuzzy area here. "What it looks like"--what the other person thinks about it--can be the preeminent factor when your entire goal is to influence the other person. For example, let's say you're slacking off at work, but you stay a little late so the boss doesn't see you leaving at closing time; versus, you're not slacking off, and you happen to get done five minutes before closing, have nothing to do, and leave early. If your primary purpose at work is to get your work done, then you'll choose the second option. If your primary purpose is to impress upon others that you are a dutiful worker, you'll choose the second. If nothing beyond what people think particularly matters to you, then doing whatever will make others think what you want is the obvious solution.

I was just thinking about this today. It dawned on me recently that the impression I give others in my group is that I am lazy and don't turn up to lectures and tutorials... there may be some truth in this (I'm not a morning person), but I also get the work done in my own time and way and at the end of the day, I pass the exams.. I used to think that was enough, but now my work is hinging more on social skills, I'm realising that reputation and 'face time' are almost as important.

For the birthday gift example, I'm more likely to do the #1 option. I don't have enough space in my little house to store a bunch of things that I'll never use, so I assume other people also appreciate not being burdened with stuff that has no use or meaning for them. I think, regarding the few individuals in my life who I actually get gifts for, that they really do feel that way.

When I was in the Air Force, about once a year our base would get a visit from these inspector guys. I think they were called "IG" for "Inspector General." (Not Inspector Gadget). For a week before their visit, we would pretty much stop doing any actual work, and spend all of our time polishing the undersides of our desks, and all kinds of ridiculous stuff. When they were visiting, the dining hall would stop serving mystery meat with an attitude, and suddenly put table cloths on all the tables, with clean, shiny eating utensils, and serve steak and lobster. It was all a big show, to kiss up to the IG, and make it look like that's how things really were. I always thought that was stupid, because if I were inspecting a military installation, I wouldn't care so much about whether of not there was a pretty little flower in a vase on each table in the dining hall. I'd care about things like safety and efficiency. Who cares if your chair legs are freshly Windexed if you have a fleet of $50,000,000 aircraft that have bits rusting off of them?

DUH!! !

No offence to the OP, but this is one of the stupidest things I've ever read. This has a name, it's called TACT and it used to in order to not hurt other peoples feelings. It's not a concept that is not lost because people have Asperger's Syndrome, we are not ret*d. In fact according to this forum, many AS people have huge IQs, surely they can grasp tact. I have, and I don't have a huge IQ (never even been tested).

I haven't been here for long, but I hate this feeling I get that people are constantly playing dumb and playing up the stereotype of AS. Things like learning tact and social cues are a feature of AS. We CAN and DO grow out of alot of our symptoms, especially the social side of things, that is what separates us from lower functioing autsitics, this ability. This is why I have been upgraded from HFA to AS because I'm not an idiot still going "duuuhh why do people do this when i say this deeeeeerrr". I find it hard to believe the some people here have reached the age that they have and still can't grasp the easiest of social concepts (especially if they claim to be highly intelligent), and no it is not because they have AS or more severe AS, it is because they are either lazy or pretending I reckon.

Yeah I did read it all, and a few times too. I had to cause I didn't really get it at first. It's not the example I see as silly, it's the whole concept that apparently people with AS are too stupid to be able to grasp the concept being questioned in the OP.

And umm, no HFA and Asperger's are not the same thing. If they were, then why was I changed? I was given very specific reasons as to why my diagnosis was being adjusted and those reasons clearly showed how HFA and AS are not the same thing.

I'm an option #1...... I always try to buy a gift that the person will like.... that is respecting the person rather than "purely the protocol".

I figure, just as I wouldn't want just a "who cares what present" I feel that others would appreciate their individuality being recognised.

A friend told me that she hadn't the time/ opportunity to find a suitable gift in time for my birthday a few weeks ago.... I haven't received it yet and I know it will eventually arrive.


CF A cousin told me two years ago that she had sent me a gift....... still haven't got it, and last birthday she phoned to say that I'd be happy to know she had finally posted it.... still hasn't arrived.... also she told me what she had bought........ IF ANYTHING WAS SOOOO NOT ME that was it...... I ACTUALLY think she hasn't bought anything and is only SAYING it to "save face" whatever that means under the circumstances.


Don't know about the rest of you but scented drawer liners don't turn me on!

Her lying turns me completely off! I'd prefer her to have ignored my birthday altogether or to have said, " can't be stuffed getting you anything" but she won't as I think she hopes I'll recognise her next birthday.

ONE ACT OF DISREPECT TOO MANY!

Later explanations are never as effective as doing what LOOKS like the right thing. "A picture is worth a thousand words" say NTs - what you show without words is perceived as truer than what you explain with words. The non-verbal message is more strongly perceived by neuro-typical people than the verbal message. This is a neurologically-based difference between NTs and Aspies, and it is not caused by values, opinions, approaches, etc. It's an example of the opposite, actually. It's an example of how neurology differences cause differences in the development of values, opinions, approaches, etc. We rely more heavily in the word, while they rely more heavily on pictures (appearances).

Another example:

I used to work in a place where you were supposed to leave in the evening when the radio news started (the radio was always on). Leaving before the digital signal of the 7:00 o'clock and the start of the news was considered leaving too early, slacking. However, if you had arrived long before your shift, it was only natural that you could leave before the radio signal. And even so, people would wait till the radio signal to leave. Why? Because an explanation of why you leave before the signal was a verbal message, and therefore less impacting on the memories of the managers and staff than a memory of a picture: you leaving with the signal. This meant that people, knowing they'd have to stay until the radio signal in any case, when there was a need for them to arrive earlier to their shift, wouldn't. The business suffered for this. But what matters is not what IS (the business suffering due to your wrong decision), what matters is what LOOKS LIKE (you being a hard-working employee).

I agree with the OP that "...what matters is what you actually do, not what it looks like you're doing." (paraphrasing)

And I also agree that, to many people, looks are more important than substance. But I am also optimistic that maybe many people are not as shallow as we think. A good example is in the US presidential race that was held last year, a certain political party tried to dress up an inexperienced fundamentalist small-town mayor as a qualified, centrist, and worldly statesperson...but what she amounted to was good looks and very little substance. The good news, I think, is that the majority of US voters saw through the farce and elected substance over good looks.

The book "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" by Robert Pirsig is an excellent in-depth exploration of form versus function. Its a good read.

As far as gift giving, I was taught that giving IS the gift, and it doesn't matter what material thing the gift is composed of. That is why I still cherish the noodle necklace given to me by a 5-yr old many years ago, not because of how it looks, but because of what it means. So I guess I would choose option 2, but not for the reason the OP stated, which was "because what it looks like is more important than what is." That's not my motivation. I give the best gift I can afford at the time it needs to be given because I am trying to send the message that "I care." This gives the gift meaning, regardless of what it is.

I hope I don't sound too defensive here, I have no idea what other NTs think. I speak only for myself

Agree with Greentea and Denvrdave.
I treasure a gift from a girl I taught because she chose to give me a gift, that was more important than the actual object. That was about 20 years ago. I still have it in a prominant place.... to honour her.


Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintanance. Read it about 30+ years ago.A very good and relevant read.


Gifts from children or made by the giver are exempt from my stand regarding options #1 or #2. As Greentea stated these options are EXAMPLES of WHAT IS v WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

The motto of one of the schools I attended in childhood and adolescence is


FACTA NON VERBA =========== DEEDS NOT WORDS