Nervous about tomorrow...

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If anyone knows me well enough by now, you would know that I have terribly low self esteem and severe social phobia. Over the past few months since taking medication my SP has gotten a bit better, and I am not as self conscious as I used to be.

Before taking my medication (mainly to treat anxiety) my SP would have been a 10. Since then you could say it's dropped to a 6. Which for me is just great. I can truly feel the burden of it lifted off my shoulders. However over the past few days something has come up. My parents are away overseas and my neighbours have insisted that me and my siblings have lunch by them.

Those terrible feelings of dread are upon me again. When my sister told me that we have to go eat there, something in me just broke down with fear. I don't know any of my neighbours well, so they basically like strangers to me. The really puzzling thing is that this feeling of dread has occurred for the first time since I have become a 6. Over the past few weeks I have been doing things which in the past I would never do, and without any real fear. And now all of a sudden this happens. I don't really wanna go, but I can't say no.

Edit: I am really scared of going, and I was even contemplating taking a vitamin supplement which I know does not agree with me, and makes me a little ill, so that I have an excuse.

Anyone got any advice for me?

In circumstances like that, my response is to just say, "No, thanks."

If you can't say no to the neighbors, then the next best thing is to get your sister (who, I hope, is aware of your circumstances) to say, "No thank you," on your behalf.

I think that I would be deeply resentful if I get put into a social situation that I am not comfortable with or prepared for.

When I visit my family, social event are always presented to me as, "would you like to come?" never as, "we are all going to..." And they are never sprung on me at the last minute. I am always grateful to my family for being considerate in this way.

Hi I wanna blue,

I know about your social phobia and Im glad you have felt you have done progress to the better lately. I hope this feeling you got about the neighbours dinner is temporary. Out of that I can feel it might not be healthy for you to go there as it can bring the rest of the "10" back to you. When trying to get out of SP you do it in steps and in your own speed. I guess you felt too much pressure on yourself out of this and therefore you got some of your old feelings back.

Is your sister aware of this? Can she understand you and make a backup excuse for you when she will go? She can say you is sick, have to study/work/got other plans or something else that excuse your abscense. It can be a white lie as a reason for not disturbing your progress. You dont know your neighbours well enough to not feeling guilty about lying I hope. But on the other hand you dont know them too well to be truly honest either. I guess you dont want them to be informed about your SP!

So, the best is to get your sister to Understand You in this, then she will be the one to help you out when lunchtime at neighbours is due.

Also as the above poster says, you are not obligated to go. It would be weird from your neighbours side to force you to come over if you hardly know them!

Thanks for the replies folks but it looks like I'm in a bit of a predicament. I got a call from said neighbour confirming tomorrows plans. I answered, and I was specifically told I should be there. I guess my neighbours know me enough (probably from speaking to my parents) to know that I would most likely be a no show. It looks like I have no choice.

The really worrying thing for me is the fact the dread which come from these situations seems to be back. I'm a little disappointed. I feel like I've failed in trying to overcome this problem. Usually I know that I would be worrying about this the whole night. I'm not as bad as that anymore, but I feel a little disappointed in myself.

Looks like I'm gonna have to muster up some courage. The main reason I hate these situations is the fact that if I go, I end up feeling nervous. But if I don't go, I feel like I've let my problem get the better of me.

But usually these things are not half as bad as I imagine them. I'm gonna have hope. Wish me luck folks.

Look on the bright side...and stay positive. The lunch date doesn't have to be "scary" and overwhelming. Let your sister do most
of the social talking involved over lunch and sit quietly, with just a few words prehaps, that you are enjoying the meal or something they might be interested to know about you. Be polite. It doesn't have to be a long social engagement. When the meal is over, excuse yourself that you have another place to be and thank them for the delicious lunch.

Keep in mind that this is an excellent situation to "practice" your social skills in a social situation that is less formal than what would take place anywhere else. Your neighbors are not monsters. The more you "practice" in these kind of social situations with
neighbors and family friends, the easier it becomes in the long run....and you will be better prepared for other, more formal engagements.

Have fun...and best of luck to you!

I think you have to have a sit alone and think about whether you think it would benefit you to go or not. Considering your progress. If you went how big a setback would you have? How much would you benefit if it went well? Does the size of the setback outweigh the size of the benefit? Do you have any plans regarding situations like this? Other people shouldnt be allowed to interfere with your therapy. What you do has to be your decision. It would be perfectly fine if you didnt go, no matter what others may say. Or you could even go for a short period of time, or turn up for about 10 minutes at the end or something.

oh gosh....I would freak out if they called me and expect me to be there. Talking about beeing pressed into a corner....

Zsazsa gave a wonderful reply and I hope you can follow those advices. If you can, then you can get away with this quite smoothly.
So I guess the most difficult part now is to NOT worry about this before it takes place

Try to relax, get some nice sleep. If you have difficulty to sleep do and or eat something that makes you tired. Focus on other things before the lunch is due.
Make yourself busy so you dont have to think so much, then just GO and do the best out of it

But make sure you have backup from your sister, so she can cover you if you feel you are about to "loose it" when you are there. So have a talk with her and you will be fine

I wish you good luck. Please let us know how it went afterwards. Hopefully you will feel relieved and happy and maybe proud that you survived something that you feared

Usually, if someone I don't know that well is trying to start a conversation with me, I just smile and nod, rather than try to find the right words and end up embarrassing myself. So if you're not sure what to say, just smile and look over to your sister, and she'll probably just instinctively take control of the conversation. It works sometimes.....You don't have to prove anything. It's not a test.

Thanks everyone for the advice, and comforting words. It means a lot. Really it does.

Well, it's over now and I am relieved and as I expected it wasn't as scary as I originally thought it would be. It never go bad at all. I didn't speak much but I was polite, and fortunately I wasn't very nervous.

Phew... now I can breathe again. I really don't know why I get so worked up, about these things. I guess it's gonna take some time to change my perception about socialising.

Again thanks everyone for the support.

Hi sorry for late reply. I wasnt around when you posted the outcome of this
Well thats wonderful isnt it? To feel You Did It.
That use to be the best reward when climbing a high barrier. To feel you could both manage and survive it AND be happy afterwards. Maybe even raise a bit from the floor feeling proud

Okay, keep the good progress going. Im happy for you!