*Financial Dependence? On Who/What? Does it Matter?*

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I am 46, and entirely dependent financially ( 11 years now ) on my partner ( or more accurately "co-parent" because we haven't had a sexual relationship in nearly 8 years ), and have a ten year old boy who is homeschooling.

I am wondering what difference, if any, it makes to one's abilities/functioning/mental state if one is financially dependent on a person ( partner or family ), in a "non-earning" context, or on one or two other people in an earning capacity, ( job with a small company ), or on a job with a big company or the state/govt, or on social security/benefits from the state.

Do you think it makes a difference?

Have you experienced different sorts of financial dependence since leaving home/family?

In the 27 years since I left home for university I have been financially dependent on my parents ( while at uni ), on jobs with the govt, several small companies, and a big company, aswell as on a partner and on state benefits/social security.

I am wondering whether it has an effect on one's state of mind, abilities, perspectives/beliefs, etc; whether the way one "funds"/finances one's life is simply and directly the expression of ones capacities/abilities/personal choices etc, ( a one-way dynamic ), or whether it is a two way thing; that the source of one's food and shelter also colours/controls one's experience and abilities, subtly but profoundly shapes the way one lives.

Does it "matter" who/what feeds, clothes and houses us, so long as we are fed, clothed and sheltered?

NB. "Mainly" in the poll means "are you "mainly or totally" dependent on a particular financial support/source". It means that if you rely mostly on state benefit for example but do a little part-time work then you vote "dependent on state benefits".

Last edited by ouinon on 02 Nov 2009, 1:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I'm unemployed. I have some of my own money saved up, but for the most part I'm financially dependent on my parents. My husband has a job but he doesn't make enough to support both of us.

How do you feel about this? Would you prefer to be dependent on your husband, or on the state, instead of your parents?

Just curious, how old are you? I realised after posting the poll that a lot of people might be dependent on their families while in further education, until age 21 or later, ( ie. a "normal" dependence on family after the age of 18 ), and this may skew the figures, but it didn't occur to me that someone might live with a partner but still be dependent on their parents.
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I'm 23. I don't care where the money is coming from tbh. It would be nice to provide for myself, but I'm still a student. Eventually I will have a career of my own, but that wont be for a while.

25, and mainly financially dependent on my family (I could afford to either pay rent, or eat, but not both), and it really bothers me.

Thanks for answering my question.

Yes, I guess there's a lot of people on WP who are full-time students, ( or almost ), and who are still dependent on their family as a result. I was, ( financially dependent on my family aswell as on a govt grant ), until I was 22, and it seemed completely natural to me. What didn't come naturally to me was the concept of "earning", ( after I graduated ).

To begin with I looked for work simply because my bank overdraft was getting uncomfortably large, ( I didn't even think of asking for state help ), and I worked, for a couple of years, because that's what you did to keep the bank happy, and the money coming out of the machine. But after I dropped out of a relatively safe ( and boring ) career "path" ( 18 months in a govt tax office followed by 10 months with an accountancy firm ), in order to pursue a post-grad course at uni, ( which fell through after only a couple of months because I had a manic-depressive breakdown ), I found it very difficult to tolerate the business of turning up day after day for anything simply in order to make money, a state of affairs which only got worse after I had begged my way around France for several weeks ( sleeping rough, and begging in bakeries or "harvesting" bins ), and discovered that I could survive without money, without having to "work".

On coming back to England I claimed income-support/unemployment benefit, ( aswell as housing benefit ), for the first time, and so experienced being entirely dependent on the state, ( between various very short full-time and longer-term part-time jobs over the next 7 years ), but the thought of ever being dependent on a person/individual was still utterly horrific to me. This changed after I went on a personal development programme which encouraged us to question the truth of our beliefs, ... and I moved in with someone I met on one of their courses and who insisted that his money ( a recent inheritance, which was however already disappearing very fast even before I met him ) was my money. After his money ran out, and neither he nor I seemed capable of getting a job, I left, hitched round France for a couple of months working on organic farms in France in return for food and accommodation, and met the french man who is the father of my child, and on whom I have been dependent ever since.

You say that you don't care where the money is coming from, and I certainly didn't while I was at uni, ( not until I had to start earning it myself in fact ) ... and I have been telling myself, for the last 11 years, that it doesn't matter, ... but I wonder! ...

I'm interested in why it bothers you, ( if you can put your finger on it that is; I am not sure what, if anything, about financial dependence on my co-parent may be "bothering" me ) .

Is it a sense of obligation/debt/oppressive gratitude, or because it ( seems to ) limit you, get in the way of some kinds of freedom, "reduce" you in some way/affect your self-esteem, or because you simply want/need more money?

Last edited by ouinon on 02 Nov 2009, 6:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

The reasons which I've bolded sum it up the best. It makes me feel less competent to have to depend on my parents, and my father uses the dependence as a sword to hang over my head. He can be as nasty as he likes, and if I complain, his retort it "if you don't like it, go and support yourself.". I prefer to be able to deal with people on an equal footing.

There seem to be three factors here. ( Thanks for answering by the way! )

One is the conditions you have to put up with, ( your father's unpleasantness ), because you rely on his/their financial support. That is something a lot of people have to put up with in jobs. And it is grim, I agree. I'm quite lucky; my co-parent is less unpleasant, less demanding, and less difficult to live with than some/many employers that I have had, and I don't think that he takes advantage of/abuses my financial dependency on him, nor does he react to my not infrequent complaints/discontents by suggesting I leave, ( not very often anyway ), and he does not ( consciously at least ) put any pressure on me to do more things around the house, behave differently, etc because he pays for everything.

Another is the "unequal footing" aspect of the situation. Yes, I remember feeling this when I lived with the man who had the inheritance; that I was a freeloader, who contributed nothing, who produced nothing, did nothing, to "repay" the money I spent/cost him. It was not fun, and I kept feeling as if I had to use my time creatively, productively, "pro-actively", to justify it. I also felt it in my second job, in accountancy; I simply didn't seem to do enough to justify my wage, and it was a very small company too. Whereas in my current situation I am a mother, and housekeeper, ( however minimally ), and that is a kind of "service", which it seems reasonable that the father pay for to some extent at least. I am "earning" my keep; though this argument is less convincing now that my son is 10!

Edit: Or do you mean "equal footing" as in amount of power held? That seems to be a very common problem in jobs too, and is probably just another aspect of the first factor.

And thirdly, the one I am wondering about, which is how it affects one's self-esteem, and abilities. You say that you "feel less competent" having to depend on your parents; is this because you believe in/accept as valid the "value" that society attaches to "earning"/"working"", so that at some level you believe that it reflects accurately some inadequacy in your capacities/abilities that you don't/can't earn more, or is it that the very condition/position of dependence on a person ( eg. partner or family ) disempowers/dis-enables/disables you in some way? Are you really rendered less competent by your dependence on them rather than on a "job"/employer/some kind of socially-recognised form of "earning one's living"?

Does financial dependence on parents/partner/other person, or on the state, ( as opposed to a job/employer ) disable one? And is dependency on benefits/the state etc more or less disabling than dependency on a person? Is there something about financial dependency on an individual in this day and age which inherently disempowers, or not? Surely not! And yet ... why did women enter the job market in such numbers as soon as they could? Clearly there are people who live happy enabled lives while dependent on another person, but are they a lucky minority?
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28, and the government for the most part (disability). I do some part-time work as a farmhand here and there. I help out around the house and property when I can, which really "pays" for my bed.

I don't really put much thought into it; I'm just happy reading up on my interest, tinkering and playing with things involving said interest, and doing my own thing (the 'net is my social domain).

It entirely depends on how you've been brought up.

Do you mean that if you've been brought up in the west or a similar culture, in the last 50 years or so, ( where most mothers begin working as soon as child(ren) are old enough for nursery school ) "financial dependence" on a person ( parent or partner ) or on the state, ( rather than on a "job" ), may well mean that you experience a real disempowerment/loss of competency?

Whereas if you were brought up in a "developing country" for instance where people almost routinely rely on close relatives etc for financial support, or simply aren't part of a "money economy", or if you are a woman in a country where women rarely work outside the home, and are totally dependent on their fathers or husbands for money, it would not have this effect?

And/or that if were brought up by a mother who didn't work all through one's childhood, as mine didn't, and with the impression that this was fine/normal/good, that this would mitigate against the wider/general social attitude that financial dependency on a person, ( or the state ) was a sign of inadequacy/incompetence? In my case it seems to have allowed me to tolerate/live with the same situation, until now, but has not completely convinced me of its "healthiness".

Just remembered that my mother did suddenly start going out to work, when I was 16, and carried on for about 7 years, though on an increasingly part-time basis, before abandoning it again.

Im 29, work part time for a large co (convenience store-ish type of place), but have to live with my parents after being unemployed 2 years prior. With my job before the 2 yr unemployment, i felt underpaid because it was an information intensive dept., and we were expected to educate the customers. The pay is ok now, but i desperately need more hours to move out again . . . but it is kinda depressing to an extent that jobs pay so less even though, supposedly, they need our skills. Only thing i dont like is having to rely on my parents for a place to stay. I appreciate their help, but to me, its like im saying, "I wasnt good enough to make it on my own."

why does the poll only have a choice for those who are 'mainly' dependent on a job? What about those who are ONLY dependent on a job?

Because this allows for people who claim some state benefit, or receive some parental support, or earn some money in a self-employed fashion, or work part-time but pay most bills with social security cheques, to vote for the option which they receive most money for, without having to have infinite poll options for all the various combinations of financial support/income.

I agree that I could have written " mainly or completely", or "75% - 100%", but I thought the poll was quite long/wordy/complex enough already.

ah! the poll is only to collect information about those who are dependent on others for their livings. I didn't realize that when I found I was excluded from the poll.