What is a meltdown is exactly?

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I haven't found a lot of info on the web talking about AS meltdowns, and I'm trying to understand if what I experience sometimes are meltdowns or just garden variety anger and frustration. Maybe it doesn't get written about because it's sort of embarrassing, and after it happens you just want to forget it ever happened?

For instance I used to work in retail years ago. Customers can be very aggravating, of course. If a customer started to really p*ss me off, usually because they felt entitled and were condescending and imperious, and demanded some special treatment, my heart would start racing and I would start shaking, and I knew I couldn't open my mouth to say anything, because if I did I would just spew all over them. There was no way I could come out with a reasonable statement, not even, "Please wait here. I will get the manager to help you." I couldn't say anything at all. But I was completely aware, it wasn't like my brain had stopped functioning. A few times I couldn't stop myself and went off on customers. I yelled F-you at a customer, and she just stared at me aghast. After that I was just shaking and shaking and I had to leave.

I can also get really upset on the phone, if I have to deal with some injustice like being asked to pay (over $100) for a mistake made by the phone company, and the person on the other end insists that there's nothing they can do. I have stopped calling to complain about anything, even if I have to pay for a mistake, because if I do I know I will just freak out on them.

I've also had occasions when I was just over-stressed, like when I had people staying at my house. It's like I'm aware of their presence at every second, even if I'm in my room with the door closed and it almost makes me vibrate. I tried to be reasonable, but one day, very suddenly, I couldn't take it for one more second. It was a physical thing like I had run out of mental stamina or something, and I just told them point blank that they had to leave right now, no discussion, even if they had nowhere to go. This has happened more than once, often after the people had been staying with me for several months.

Are these "meltdowns" or am I just being an NT a**?

I have done that before to people who were staying with me. Several I've kicked out of the house. I never considered that to be an actual meltdown, as I'd put up with plenty of their crap before deciding to finally do something about it. That, I just considered to be just like anyone else who had put up with that much and couldn't do it any longer.

A meltdown, to me... is much more intense than just finally hitting breaking point. It's a loss of control, where everything becomes chaos, and anything that happens just becomes more pieces to randomly add to the chaos. It's an onset of emotion that takes over any rational thought I had the moment before, and can take hours to recooperate fully from.

I mean, everyone defines a meltdown as something different, I think... so it's really hard to say. Some people might just snap, yell, then shut down for hours at a time. Me, I cry... a lot... because everything just suddenly seems so overwhelming. I can't even form the words to tell someone to leave me alone in the moment, because I'm just not capable.

Thanks for your reply. Just to clarify: the people staying with me had not done anything. They were super-nice and I wasn't mad at them at all. There weren't even any small annoyances (like they left dirty dishes in the sink, for example). I have a messy house and I couldn't care less if someone leaves dishes in the sink or does any other small thing like that.

I've also noticed there's a trend out there to deny that people with ASD have meltdowns at all, because some people are afraid it will result in a stigma. I find that very disturbing. No one would ever suggest a quadriplegic should hide their wheel chair and pretend to be able to walk. Anyway, I mention this because maybe that's why it's been hard for me to find info on meltdowns.

It could be why... but it could also be just that it's a really hard thing to pinpoint of "what it IS". Some people would define it to appear like a temper tantrum. Some would call meltdowns just getting mad about things. Some would call it being overwhelmed... but the problem is, that all of these things could be defined differently by different people, as everyone experiences them.

Mine is... just this out of control overwhelming flood of emotion, essentially, and it essentially crushes my abilities to do anything at all. It's very debilitating.

With the roommates that didn't do anything... it could have been many things at the same time, or just feeling too crowded ultimately.

I kicked mine out at the worst possible time, ever, lol. They were all getting jobs to help me since I wasn't working due to a high-risk pregnancy... and contractions had started randomly. None of them were REAL, but it could have been at any time. Nonetheless, I booted them out the door. I just couldn't keep up with who was where or doing what. It was none of my business during the day, but it was little things like coming in at 2 a.m. and waking my son and I. It just made me miserable. I loved them to pieces, but could not handle actually living with them. So one night, I told them to go, and that was that.

I'm not sure if there was a last straw, even, with mine. I just got tired of them, lol. I got tired of things feeling chaotic all of the time... and to be honest, my house seemed more like a flophouse than anything else. At first I didn't mind it, and really, I'm not too sure it bothers me even now. But I just couldn't do it.

I don't even think I thought much beforehand, lol. It was an announcement when I was talking to them, essentially. They weren't doing anything horrible. I just finally felt too overwhelmed/tired to deal with more people.