My apologies in advance for the pity party.
So here's the conversation I had with my advisor at Academic Assistance, after I told her I thought I might have Asperger's. She's much more sympathetic than the conversation implies when it's put down on paper--she can't help circumstances any more than I can.
Quote:
Her: There's a danger to trying to diagnose yourself. You--
Me: I might develop problems I didn't have before?
Her: Yes.
Me: But what am I supposed to do? You told me that it would cost a lot of money to get myself evaluated. I can't stop trying to figure out what's wrong, why I can't seem to concentrate, why my grades are so bad, any more than I could stop breathing. Isn't the government supposed to give you money to help people like me?
Her: The government doesn't give me anything.
Me: Not you personally... I mean the department. Academic assistance.
Her: We don't get money from the government. The school believes that the government would be able to tell us what to do, if we did. We're a private school; we don't want that.
Me: I thought, when the government was involved, you were more likely to fall through the cracks than to be over-supervised.
Her: Things do fall through the cracks, but they just don't want to risk it.
Me: So what am I supposed to do? All I can do is assume I might have some of these problems--Asperger's or ADD or both--and try to find out what people who are diagnosed with them do to help themselves study better. You've been a great help as it is; but I used to get A's... and now I'm failing everything.
Not long after I started crying and couldn't stop for about a half hour. I need to pay her for tissues... I hate depression; I really do. It gets worse in the wintertime and then you embarass yourself by showing too much emotion.
She really has been a great help, incidentally. Scheduling and organization and such have helped me keep myself on the right track; even though that means I know more clearly that I'm headed for failure. I'm less behind this semester than I was at this time last semester, and that's positive; but "less behind" isn't very good when the standard is "not behind at all".
So what do I do? Apparently there's no money to help me; and trying to figure out what's wrong with me is problematic because, no matter how much I might learn about Asperger's (or ADD, the other thing I'm wondering about), I can't step outside myself and look at myself as a detatched observer might.