Anyone Have Trouble Receiving Empathy?

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Ok, there´s been a lot of talk about AS people as "having no empathy". My theory, however, is that we just have a different experience of empathy from the average NT.

Last summer, I had an incredibly challenging time....(well, that´s the understatement of the year!) Let´s just say I had a lot of bad luck and life got difficult. Not only did my mother die, but around the same time I started battling very difficult health problems of my own. In any case, when this occurred loads of people told me how "poor" I was, how terrible my life situation was, how it was the last thing my family needed, how I was about to go through a difficult time, etc. etc. People looked at me like I was a pathetic, injured dog who had just been hit by a car. Every time I heard the responses people gave me, I went through a series of dark and depressing emotions, even though I was well past that myself, and ready to move on. I realize that I just get nothing out of people supposedly "feeling what I´m going through"- i.e., the definition of "empathy". When I´m sad, I want people to cheer me up, not feel sad with me. In fact, it got to the point that I was no longer able to tell people what was going on with me, and after awhile I just stopped talking about it and pretended everything was okay.

Just out of curiosity...is there anyone else out there who´s noticed they have trouble receiving empathy?

I'm very empathetic, but I can't express it like others can. I'm good for other people to talk to, but I don't give them a pity party, instead I say things that lift them up slightly. Not too much, because it's like going up stairs.

I'm also very annoyed when people try to give me pity, or try to get me to cry. I can't cry, even when I want to, and I would never do it near other people. I can fake cry at a funeral, though it's not fake because I'm really sad, but it has to be forced. And I can completely hide my sad when I have it, just to avoid receiving pity AND to not bring others down. But if somebody has some bad times, I can't say the obligatory things that other people say, because I have an overwhelmingly deep feeling that they don't want to hear the same thing again, so I bring an alternative, though I should be careful with that because I'm usually inappropriate. So I just fake it and try to say what they want to hear while allowing them to talk and not enforcing pity upon them.

i'd be happy receiving any empathy if ever i got it. but it's quite obvious no one cares about me or ever will. i could tell someone my mother just got shot or i found out i have cancer and the most response i get is a flat "oh really" while their head is still down reading something, sometimes along with an empty, flashed smile that tells me they never heard what i said in the first place.

That sucks.

Yeap. Weird thing too, my mom wants to help me out from time to time. I don't wanna burden her, so I stay out of her way.

She feels that I let her out in the cold >.< Apparently mommies helping their spawn makes them happy. How the heck would I know?

I'm not a parent! I'm barely human! I have a problem with the concept of altruism on a basic level. I'm not selfish, by any means, but it always comes down to +Benefit.\

I think any proper person(Which I assume that's 100% on this forum) wants others they care for to be happy, and random people to be not-unhappy.

In the end, use what works for you, but empathy we do have. We're that human. We can't process it. Intake our output. C'est la vie.

If they go up too steeply, their head crashes into the next stair up and breaks their skull?
Sorry, I just got this mental image..



I think it's empathy that that statement made me want to cry..

I told my therapist the other day that in the maturity of my experiences of myself on this earth I have come to the conclusions that even though I have empathy and sympathy within myself for other living (and inanimate) things, I, myself, have no 'connectors' or 'receptors' in myself that receives the feeling of empathy or sympathy for myself.

in other words, I can not be comforted. I just don't feel it.

All my life I thought that people were holding out on me, that no one cared enough to express a caring for me. But the only thing that was consistent in all my interacting with all those people was my way of experiencing them. That is what led me to the conclusion. The therapist thinks I am right. The difference in me is now I am not blaming all those other people for not getting through to me. That leads to a lot of healing.

Merle

I can be comforted by just the right touch, but I can't expect everyone to know what that is.
They usually say stupid things that are tear-your-hair-out annoying.

For some reason, strangers are sometimes more forgivable, and the fact that they are trying to comfort me is worth something, however clumsy the attempt may be.

I wish I could think of a way to say "I'm the type who likes ___," and then explain in three or four words that a little goes a long way, but please keep the sappy crap to a minimum. And don't waste my patience on any religious nonsense; hearing it does NOT make me feel better.

Or maybe "I'm at a stage now where I don't want to talk about it." Would people accept that?

Maybe someone has codified it somewhere and I just didn't get the memo.
Can I say that I'm a type-G mourner in stage 3?

I've been described as "unconsolable" and there's some truth in that. If something goes wrong for me then the only thing that can really help is to put that thing right. I'm probably too "locked inside myself" to take much comfort from displays of sympathy.

It's quite curious because I can get quite annoyed if others around me are looking carefree and cheerful when I'm unhappy....frankly there isn't a lot they could do for me anyway, though I suppose my annoyance shows that it would help if they just seemed to give a damn instead of being oblivious to my state of mind.

Sympathy is probably one of those things that I barely notice when it's there, but would soon miss if it weren't there. I guess I have too keen an eye for negative details.

I think that's a big part of it.

I'm thinking now that it comes down to a matter of trust. There have been times when I would have liked to have someone to lean on.

Instead of dismissing everything I say, everything I feel, everything I am, some would exploit my moment of vulnerability to try to manipulate me into being like them, ridicule my feelings, or trick me with transparent, self-contradictory social fictions that are so absurd that they insult one's intelligence.

Then again, when people do it right, it's understated and I barely notice. There are some good people who can manage it, and I don't fully appreciate them at the time. Just a light, simple way of saying, "I'm here," or "I understand."

Yes that simplicity is important....it's no place for showmanship, and that does happen.

I am a very private person. I don't tell anyone but my bf anything. I don't like people feeling sorry for me, giving me kind words, or worse, HUGS! And i don't like doing it back either. It's all so uncomfortable and even annoying.

On the receiving end topic

In order to get my social housing (yay) I had to demonstrate need, and that involved explaining that my ex-husband was financially, emotionally and physically abusive. One very kind counsellor empathized with me, and helped me to obtain housing for myself and my two youngest. She also supported me with disability and employment supports. I was grateful for her assistance.

Sometimes I cried during the sessions because of what my ex-spouse had done--ripping off me and my kids of so much money. Now things are better, and I am no longer upset, because I do not have to deal with that creep of an ex-husband anymore.

My family is like this. I'll tell my sister something that happened to me and it's like I talked to a wall. I'd get more support from a wall, in fact, no joke intended.

I don't seem to inspire care or affection either, even from family or my mom, who is more concerned with my older siblings, and they didn't care when I was a kid either, I know this, I remember incidents that prove to me they never cared.

I don't get why they don't get me. I've struggled with this for years also and have finally given up pretending that they care, which I used to do, trying to join in, be a part of things, and it would always fall flat. I don't think that was always my fault, I think that others not wanting me around tended to make everything I tried to be a part of that much harder for me.

Which brings me to empathy for others, which I don't feel I have. I could never put myself in someone else's place. Maybe it's like being Tin Man; if I believed, then I would have a heart.

But the problem is I don't believe in others' sincerity. Sometimes people are sincere, but many times they are just going through the motions of some social concept of sympathy. I don't think too many people in the whole world are empathic, even NTs; they're not that good.

It does make me extremely uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of any of this supposed sympathy, and I try to smile nice and get away. I used to be even more brusque. I just get the feeling that they are trying to convince me of something, and I don't want them to go to all the bother, and I don't want them to tell me they understand, when to themselves, I think they are saying just the opposite, or worse.

Thank you for your responses so far! I´m very sorry, subliculous, that you feel that nobody empathizes with you. I have often felt that way too, at various times in my life, and I think that has to do with the fact that many people have trouble understanding me. I have a theory that we have a different kind of emotional makeup from NTs, so they often have trouble knowing where we are "coming from", and vice versa. Ironic what you wrote in your Post, too; my Mom actually did die this past summer, and at around that time, I discovered that I had ovarian cancer. I didn´t really tell anyone, but there were a lot of friends of my Mom´s hanging around- (she was a very social NT, and very much loved). These people just heard about it, and gave me their input, but as time went on it got harder and harder for me to hear. I guess, once I got over the fact that I had cancer, I just wanted to be as positive as possible and go on. All that emotion and negativity got me down. Who knows, maybe I was in denial. And I´m still not sure if I ever really mourned my Mom´s death properly, because people keep telling me how awful I should feel and that it will take a long time. Sometimes, I have trouble "feeling" my emotions.

I have read that in times of trouble, Aspies tend to give practical advice, and are less emotional, or "empathic". I realize that when I have a problem, or am going through a difficult time, I prefer receiving practical advice. Sure, I want people to acknowledge my feelings- I don´t want someone telling me I´m "stupid" for feeling what I feel, for instance- but I don´t really want, or need, someone to feel exactly what I´m feeling. Maybe, then, the kind of empathy we give is the kind of empathy we prefer to receive?

They pretend to ignore me when they want don't want to openly deny my feelings.

A few days ago, my mother tried to bully me into inviting my husband for thanksgiving. As though it's something to her. Which part of "the sight of him makes my skin crawl" don't you get? Is there something ambiguous or cryptic about that statement? No, he is never going to ruin another holiday. I said it more strongly, in her face, and she turned and walked away as though I'd said the most absurd thing imaginable. She never did take anything I said seriously.

Between my husband and my mother, badmouthing me behind my back and having a good laugh at my expense has been the basis of their relationship for over 20 years. What's the point of having me around if I don't bring mister life-of-the-party?

I would have walked away years ago, but I like my siblings.