Coming out of the closet

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Over the last few months I decided to tell a few select people that I had aspergers. I thought that it would make me feel better for them to know why I was different, and to maybe even spread awareness on some level. But I am feeling now like all I did was stick a big sign on my forehead that says "mental". First I decided to tell a couple friends on myspace. That was a mistake. Even though I can tell one of the so-called "friends" was far from neurotypical herself, instead of sympathizing, understanding, or whatever, she eventually got to the point where she started being downright vicious to me. She started posting comments on our mutual friends profile that said "crazy woman" and "mental health awareness". It's kind of a long story on how it all went down, but she was just so bitchy towards me that I ended up deleting her and that's when it started. I don't want to get into all of that because I know you don't want to hear all about it. Our mutual friend felt bad but for my own sanity I just deleted him because I didn't want to expose myself to someone else's nasty vindictive behavior. I know she's got problems of her own, but to take them out on me in that way was so uncalled for.

After that I posted a blog that was quotes from Tony Attwoods book on Aspergers in women, and I noticed after that some of my friends seem more distant. I know it may sound like I'm reading more into it than what there is, but I don't think it's coincidence.

Then there's the fact that I told my husband's parents. Again, I feel like they're just treating me like I'm ret*d or mental. They are not mean, they're just... treating me differently.

So putting these together, I think the only thing I've done is commit social suicide (I saw someone else use that term and it seems fitting). I haven't told everyone I know, but of the people I did, they either treat me badly or stay away from me. So my self esteem is at an all time low. I feel like I'm just sitting here whining about something that I can't change. I feel like I made a mistake that I can never take back. And now that I know that it was a mistake, I wonder who they will tell to broadcast even more widely that I'm not "normal" by society's standards. I know socially I'm a complete moron, and this just is not helping me at all. I feel like a pathetic loser! Aaaaaahhhh.

I'm so sorry. I told people and there's some people in my family that chose to just ignore it. No one really made me feel 'mental' or anything. My mum makes jokes about it, but that's her way of dealing with it so I don't yell at her, unless she refers to AS/Autism as being a 'problem' and referring to NT's as 'normal'. I usually just ignore her but one day I just went off on her when she was on the phone.

Anyway, just ignore those people. We have times when we are alone but we do find new friends that end up being 10 times better than those people you thought were your friends.

I started to blog on another site because Myspace is such a big social network; an AS blog just doesn't fit in with it, at least that's how I see it.

Thats always the concern with telling people. Those that are truely a friend will still be your friend, those that really don't like you but may have pretended to, will now use it to bully you. It quickly shows you who your true friends and aquaintences are, and who isn't.

Aww Netti. If those people are going to be mean, they aren't good friends to have.

Spaghetti is good!

I think if I ever get a real diagnosis the only people I will tell will be immediate family because I'm fairly certain for them it would just be "oh yeah that makes sense" because they're used to my odd ways and willingly put up with them, like for example they don't expect me to show emotion or change my tone of voice and sometimes point out to me that I'm not in a joking manner. The only other person I think might understand is my cousin who was a psychiatrist for a while.

I told my parents in person, one of my sisters on the phone and rest of the siblings in an email. they've been supportive but its not something thats talked about all of the time. others I have shared with (thru myspace no less) have written support or haven't said anything. I read somewhere (I'll post the link if I can find it) about disclosing that by telling others about your AS its like they have to choose to think of you in new (hopefully positive) way. it takes time and like pensieve said if they're really your friend they'll still be your friend.

I would start with your husband. Presumably he knows that you are an Aspie and he can intercede with your inlaws.. explain what it actually means and that they have nothing to be afraid of.

Right now, they are wondering what their child has gotten himself into. They are most worried about him and what it means to his future. They are wondering if it's hereditary and if their grandchildren will be Aspies. You need to answer the questions that are running around in their heads. When people don't understand something, they fear it.

Of the people you have told, your inlaws are really the only people here that make any difference in your life. They can be helpful, or they can be a hindrance in your life and cause trouble between you and your husband. You need to bring them to your side and make them your friends. Be honest with them and help them understand and rebuild your relationship with them based on honesty and understanding. You will feel better about it, your husband will feel better about it, and your inlaws will feel better for both themselves, but mostly for their son.

Your husband can point out that you've never hurt him, or them, and your inate honesty, etc. He knows all your good points, he needs to make his parents aware of them. Unless they are the most hateful people, they will eventually come around.

The "friends" on myspace really don't matter. They make no material difference in your life. I wouldn't worry about them too much.

The other thing I want to mention is, now that you have told people, you are LOOKING for a reaction and may be reading too much into a gesture or statement that may have been made, and which would have been made regardless of whether or not they knew.

Hang in there and focus on what's really important - you, your husband, and your in-laws.

LL

I will never tell people I have it. They can just figure it out themselves. I sort of told my bf thought before we met when I gave him the link to the rdos quiz to take and he asked me about it and asked me if I had it. I couldn't lie because I don't like to lie.

I don't mind blogging about it on myspace or joining aspie groups on facebook but I set it to so it doesn't show that I made a post in a group. But now to figure out how to turn off what groups I joined.

I think I still feel insecure about the label. I just don't like to talk about it and I am not real open about it. I used to talk about it all the time when I was a teen and then stopped because it became private and plus it makes me look bad.

When I want to be really understood, I have to fight the urge to tell.

Thanks for the support, it was much needed! I *was* looking for a reaction on some level I suppose. I think because I feel I have a defect, if I make someone else aware of this and then they start to act differently towards me at all or ignore me (or more obvious downright mean behavior) it affects me that much more. I'm used to people treating me like I'm less. I have been sitting back and trying to analyze myself and what it is that makes me so much different than NT's and it's still a bit of an enigma. I want to at least fit in with them on some level - like I'm tired of people that I work with saying "she's quiet" and my all-time favorite "she's weird". One thing I know i have a problem with is I tend to stare at people. I guess they interest me and I like to watch their behavior... so I've tried to work on that. But just the fact that I'm not very social and that when I talk I think my speech sounds a-typical (I can even notice it in myself) doesn't help. I feel like most of the time I'm forcing small talk and I just don't know what to say, so I tend to repeat the same phrases over and over and sometimes it's basically voicing my thoughts which probably isn't terribly interesting to others. I also think I could be a little bit more positive, although I don't think my environment is very positive much of the time so it's difficult.

But anyways, I'm starting to ramble. I guess I really wanted acceptance for the first time in my life. I'm tired of trying to make friends and failing. I don't really need to be social much, so in turn I don't feel like I ask for much. But even then it doesn't seem to be enough. I thought I could at least make friends online but I don't know that I have really accomplished this yet, and it's just that much more depressing. I probably shouldn't expect much from myspace but I though it seemed like such a good idea... one I had thought of before I heard of myspace.... making a page all about your interests and then finding others with mutual interests... I'm still holding out hope but it's hard when you try and try and it still doesn't seem to work out. I really think I'm a nice person worth getting to know, but somehow I guess I'm not giving off good vibes.

BTW thanks for the add Rick. Right now I'd rather make some other aspie friends anyway, at least if I appear eccentric they will understand.

The main problem with telling anyone is when you say the name of the syndrome. When you say that you have "ass burgers" that can cause laughter to start.

I was nervous about telling my family and friends when I was diagnosed with AS. It was a relief when most of my closest friends just said that it made sense and that I was still me. Our relationships have not changed, infact I think they just look out for me more these days & can be protective of me. I did however lose one close friend as she couldnt understand AS & me, I think she thought I was mentally ill and might kill her with an ice pick or something. I must point out at this stage that I am very passive, and could never be violent. I cant even shout at people So I havent seen her for a while now.

My mum asked me lots of questions and has started to read various books I have bought on AS to help her understand as it can be hard for me to explain it to her. She says she had always known that I was different, but that there is nothing wrong with being different. She also says that altho my AS can make me a challenge to know, all those that know me have a richer life

I have also just started to tell other friends at the car club that I am a member of, and so far they all seem to be fine with it.

I guess it will always be a gamble, telling those closest to you, but if they really have your best interests at heart they will still be there after you tell them.

I never told anyone until a few months ago and then I was very picky about who I told. Everyone I've told took it well and the way they act around me hasn't changed. They're very understanding.
There is of course one exception. A few weeks ago I told my cousin (the one I get along with the best) and he just said "o man" and the next time I tried to talk to him on MSN he ignored me. I haven't tried again (actually, he hasn't been on MSN - or else he blocked me).

It's definitely strange how some people don't seem to care at all while others act like you just admitted you're a serial killer. I guess I must really come across as odd because of the way the people I told took it.... I suppose compared to other NT's I am very quiet and serious and so they probably do think I'm the mental type But I guess I really would rather find out who my real friends are. Just because I'm a little odd or eccentric doesn't mean I should be treated badly! I'm a very compassionate caring person so I definitely think I benefit society to some extent. That and I'm a very hard working Mom

Just because you dont annonce it to everyone yoiu meet doesnt mean you are in the closet