Anyone else in a similar situation?

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Over the years my connection to my extended family has lessened a great deal, to include my in-laws. For instance, I haven't seen my dad in about 6 years and he only lives an hour or so north of where my husband and I live. There was no conflict that took place but dad lives like a hermit and visiting just hasn't worked out. We don't talk on the phone as he does not have one and he prefers to communicate via regular mail, which is fine with me. My mom and I are estranged from one another and I have no plans to reconcile; as far as I know, she doesn't either. I was raised by my mom who was a drug addict - now off drugs but it didn't take away any of her narcissism or other selfishness. I saw my MIL and FIL the other day for the first time in a couple of years and the majority of the visit was ok but it never fails.....near the end they start bugging us to spend more time with the family, specifically their very extroverted NT daughter who is generally an emotional basketcase. To me, family in general has proven to be more of an annoyance than other people I've met throughout life so I don't try to spend time around them and most the time don't feel bad about it either.

However, the holidays always present heightened family issues which seem to highlight the fact my husband and I keep ourselves apart from family. We rarely do the 'obligatory' family get-togethers and usually try to get out of town over the winter holidays. We found when we tried to accomodate family event requests that no one seemed to just enjoy spending time with one another and that some sort of conflict usually happened, sometimes with us as the target......the 'Aunt Ellie' type third degree, "why don't you guys come over more often? Don't you like your own family? What did we ever do to you?" Or, "Oh look, Harold, the hermits are here!" - this was announced at a 50th wedding anniversary party for my grandparents several years back. And this makes us want to come back??? Sure...

My husband does not seem bothered by any of this at all and as long as he sees his parents a couple times a year (they live a 1/2 hour away from us), he seems to be good with the visiting. He doesn't seem to feel guilty about not wanting to visit anyone else, to include his nutty sister or anyone in my family. However, I tend to feel a little guilty sometimes and I'm not sure why. For the most part I don't act on the guilt but it does bother me, usually this time of year. Can anyone relate to this?

BTW, my family is pretty dysfunctional for the most part (I know, whose family isn't) and most of them are very selfish people, many of them are drunks with little to no self-control. For example, it is almost a guarantee one of my uncles (dad's younger brother) will end up with a DUI after leaving a get-together. It seems he's never heard of a designated driver, a taxi, or just crashing out and leaving the next day. This guy was my favorite uncle when I was a kid but things that have happened since then (I'm 38 now) have led to he and I never communicating beyond Christmas cards; haven't seen him in over 10 years. I wasn't invited to his wedding a few years back because he was still angry I didn't use him as a mortgage broker when we bought a house about 10 years ago. At the time we lived about 4 hours away from him and it didn't make sense to use him in this capacity, would have been a real hassle.

FYI - I've kind of rambled here but we're due to see this part of my family on Christmas Eve and I am VERY anxious about, along with the normal dread. We're only going because my grandparents are quite elderly (90's) and not doing well, and this may be the last opportunity, according to them, for the entire family to get together (some relatives live quite a distance away). They also want my 18 year old daughter to take family pictures (my daughter is in a commerical photography program at her college) and she is excited about the opportunity, for which I can't blame her. As usual, the husband and I don't want to go but I feel I owe it to my grandparents; they were there for me when my parents were too busy being idiots to raise me properly. But the passive-aggressive jabs, the small talk, the third degree, the drama, the noise.....it is a colossal pain in the a**.....and I'm obsessing over it. By dreading all of this am I being selfish? Either way, how to stop thinking about it in the mean time???

Thanks in advance.

I reckon this is definitely an age-related thing as well as a social one. As a child, you are dragged to see all your extended relatives by your parents, particularly for displays of family solidarity around birthdays and Christmas time. As you get older, you develop your own free will and, although you never really thought of it before, you may begin to notice that you have very little or nothing in common with these people whom you are related to. I see my family a lot less than I used to (apart from my sister and my dad, who I see regularly) for this reason. I don't hang around with others who I have nothing in common with and this feeling extends to family as well, although, because of our connection, I will see them every once in a while.



It bugs me when people tell me I have to spend more time with them. If I wanted to do that, I would. But then I am always the one visiting my family whereas they never visit me. Such one way relationships can be really tiring.



Agreed.



It is this kind of attitude from family members that makes me NOT want to spend more time with them. They don't enjoy themselves around you or they target you for something. I don't particularly like making the effort to see someone, family or not, to be returned with such behaviour, hence I do this as little as possible.



I used to feel guilty, but then I got fed up of sometimes being targeted or hassled every time I went to see them (and it is every freaking time I see them), so my guilt slowly melted away....



Wow, your family sounds incredibly so like mine! One of my relatives in particular likes to get steaming drunk at every family occasion. What ends up happening is she ends up targeting someone that she is angry, upset or agitated with (she always finds someone to be pissed off with) and then either has a go at them or talks about them (or should I say b*****s about them) in a really loud voice (she's loud anyway but gets more so after consuming alcohol) and this, of course, creates the signiature tense atmosphere that I have come to expect of family gatherings.




If it is possibly the last chance of seeing your grandparents again, then it is worth going to put up with the crap you know you'll get, purely because it is likely that, if something does happen to them and you never got a chance to see them, you will deeply regret it. So unfortunately, in this case, you may have to grin and bear it for the sake of your grandparents, particularly, as you say, they were there for you when your parents were not.

I'm in a similar boat. When I used to visit family, I was ignored or attempts were made to change me by the relatives (my Mothers siblings+partners) that were visited most (I usually socialised with their tv). One uncle (+wife) seems to accept me as is, cousins accept me as is. They've indicated that they want me to visit for Christmas and I feel sad about it but I'm not gonna go.

When I decided not to visit anymore they asked my Mum "why isn't she visiting anymore? doesn't she know we love her? what did we do?" and similar. They don't call me (even though they know my phone number), or write (I live in my Mum's place at the mo), or email (which I gave them as well). I understand your boat, perhaps rescue remedy would help, it takes an edge off stress levels, it's a homeopathic mixture of calming herbs. Also good, but illegal in Ireland, is st. johns wort (but it is powerfull stuff, not for minor jitters). I tried it before it became illegal here, went from near meltdown to total calm in approx 15 min.

As the saying goes, "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives"...and at times, you just have to grin and bear it.