Aspergers dx = completely overwhelmed

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Hi everyone,

When my Psychologist finally put some credence to this dx, she asked me to read, read and read. I compartmentalise, categorise and research. I write comparative essays......yes, about myself. How? I don't know. How can one know oneself so intimately to be so objective? At this point, it feels impossible. I feel completely weighed down by my lack of mental clarity in to this dx. I have known it to be me for a long time (not the dx but definitely the behaviours) but lack the emotional and rational insight. In other words, it is deeply traumatising to try and explain HOW I FEEL!

I have no idea.

My T and I are trying to disseminate 36 years of life.......with a violent childhood, strange and alienating teenage-hood, violent adulthood and now recovery(or returning to spirit, I call it). Mental illness has played a huge part, my identity has always been in question and I am as completely eccentric as I have always been. So what is it? Who am I and what do I want? I like who I am, so I wish I could just like who I am and my short term memory would exist, it would be easier to be human and I could sometimes feel like I intrinsically belong without always feeling startling outside......

I have read some stuff on this forum and posted quite a bit myself to try and get some idea of where I stand in this and I have received great feedback.......but everyone feels more knowledgable than I do, more in tune with what they are dealing with. Does this happen, not necessarily with the dx, but with the journey to living a more fulfilling life? Is what I feel normal within the spectrum of what I am dealing with?

The more I read the more frightened and in tune I become with myself. The more my stomach feels like it is going to bottom out, like the moment before a nasty epiphany. The more my instincts hum with the discovery than ever before. The more included I actually feel. Maybe I have felt so outside for so long, the idea of undertsanding is absolutely terrifying........for those who understand me......might find me to be a complete fake.

My life.......I have lived as a lie........what grief is this?

Freaking out.........thanks for listening.

Micchsta

Pardon the short reply.

My discovery was also overwhelming, although I'd had suspicions for a year. Suddenly there's a frame for all the oddity and it's grief and relief all at once. I'm increasingly pessimistic as I realise how short I've fallen and most likely will continue to fall. I have to redefine myself and my aspirations.

Good luck. It's rocky roads and muddy waters.

Thankyou.......for despite your increasing pessimism, you have really helped me. I do not mind falling, as long as there is a time frame with the fall......does that make sense?

"Suddenly there's a frame for all the oddity and it's grief and relief all at once"

Exactly........you have identified the core of how I am feeling.

Thank you again......

Micchsta

Well, it was more of a relief for me. My mother had commented on my "Autistic" tendencies for ages, but since i was doing well in school, she didnt know what to think. Didnt get an official dx into the AS/PDD-NOS category until Nov 2008. I felt relief, the whole, "Why am I so different and have such difficulties?" was finally answered. Granted, i wish i could have gotten the dx in the 90s, but seeing as how cruel teens are, im glad i didnt have a "label." Granted, answering one question merely opened more, "Ok, now I am considered this, what do I do now and what do i need to do to lead the life i will 'enjoy?'" Im still answering this question, but its not as severe as it used to be.

At first it was a relief - there was an explanation.
Then, there was frustration - identification of root issues, realization of limitations.
Now, I'm finding some peace and understanding.
It's still hard, but I am better off now than I was before.


M.

Thanks everyone for your replies........

Last night I said to my partner "Ignorance is bliss" but when ignorant, there is a tendency to commit the same mistakes due to lack of inner knowledge. All I am concerned about is completing SOMETHING. Finishing my degree is what I really want. I shift and change and run around in repetitive cycles and never seem to get anywhere and it is not for lack of trying. It is total blankness in my mind. I can analyse till the cows come home on about 50 different levels it seems, but when someone asks me how do you feel, I go AAAhhhhh? It is not a choice to not understand as I can be very insightful. It is like my mind just hits "darkness" or a wall or something.......I just get "discord".......

Can I just ignore this dx and carry on as I always have........or will it keep getting in the way. I don't want to read about it, or understand it. I just want to feel okay about me and put this addled but intelligent mind to good use.

But this is unlikely......there is a reason for it all.......I am just so tired of compulsively looking within.......I don't even feel like I fit in in this forum.

Micchsta