Stepping from Earth onto WrongPlanet......

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Being my age, I am continualy surprised when something surprises me. I figure that I have been around long enough to not feel tectonic shifts in life.......but it occurs over and over. Part of the beauty of existence?

I have walked through this life in a daze........with moments of startling clarity. I have experienced immense pain and also exhilaration. But never joy, the fundamental "rightness' of the moment, the inexplicable feeling of belonging........until recently.

I would like to say that WrongPlanet played a part in this transition, and it has to a degree, but the bulk of the transition happened long before I became a member of this website. And it has hovered at the periphery, cloaking itself, afraid to be seen. I am afraid to be seen.

AS has been on the table with my psychologist for the last year. With her dancing around it, watching me, observing me, keeping her deepest thoughts close to her until she was almost 100% sure, and when that declaration was made, the hugest tectonic shift occurred. Terrified at the sudden and dangerous movement, but also breathless in anticipation. I am going for psychometric testing so we can understand all the forces at play and to be.......100% sure.

36 years of shifts and forming of mountains, trekking unaided and misunderstood through dangerous terrain. Feeling so unusual in my skin and seeing humanity through gross and misty lenses, bordering on fear and hate. For I knew I did not belong, and thought little of it in my youth, until I got left behind, left out and ignored. With my wonderful, strange brain trying to make sense of what I was, and why did I not behave like them? And why did they seem so strange.........was I from the WrongPlanet?

So imagine my surprise(earth shifting again) when I stumbled across this website........and hesitantly approached the group while protecting myself from judgement........for I have lied to my brethren and to myself for years. And I sit before these threads and I say to myself "Be who you are, not what you have made". And I am getting more and more used to it. But old habits die hard.........there are years of ingrained and outdated coping mechanisms that have eroded my spirit, and got me through life, but not with any authenticity. I am shocked, afraid and deeply sad. No regrets, but trauma nonetheless......

After years of not feeling human, and discarding my humanity because I was told I did not possess it, I shut down, tuned out, became violent, distressed and worn out. I had left my spirit behind due to its shadow. It was insubstantial and weak, and my spirit cried at my desertion. I abandoned the only thing that would love me unconditionally and forgive me without hesitation........my spirit.

The wonderful and joyous thing is, is that I have noticed my spirit hanging around lately. As usual, it has forgiven me, and occasionally pays me a visit, and I celebrate. It is the only thing I have ever fundamentally and truly missed. My spirit is in nature and sky, in mountains and lakes and in the way the sunlight catches a spiders web in the early morning dew. I do not need people, but I am not as afraid of them either........for I am not as afraid of myself, now that I have my spirit.

I am standing on the event horizon, knowing I am on the verge of something that could destroy me, but save me as well. I am on the precipice of greatness........because I am actually starting to like who I am, even through the pain.

And thats all I need.

Mics

thank you so much for sharing this!

your story is so inspiring for others of us struggling with getting to know ourselves and embracing our spirits after years of confusion and loss. please keep writing, and sharing--you have a beautiful way with words. we must be constantly reminding each other: there is hope, there is understanding, growth can be possible. keep that fire alive inside yourself--it is truly all you will ever need.

peace

hey, I love your writing style and what you wrote resonates for me. I'm in my mid-40s and was just diagnosed a few months back.

I knew about aspergers and had met some AS boys, but never considered that I am AS. but once I read my brother's blog everything shifted violently into place in my mind and I realized what I am.

I'm glad I did. I've never "belonged" and I always felt like I was walking a shadow world. now my life makes sense. I've even found a few natives I can communicate with, who accept me even though I'm strange.

Thank you for writing so beautifully and sincerely about your experience. I am 42, female, and I just got my formal dx on Tuesday - Aspergers (I knew it)! I celebrated with dinner. A long list of my questions have been answered, and I look to the future with hope and optimism.

Thanks everyone for your wonderful replies........I like to be moved, in a wonderful, kind of wholesome teary way......if you know what I mean

Lovely that I had such good feedback......thank you for understanding.

Glad to be home.

Mics