Why I don't understand some aspies... (A Pseudo-Rant)

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One of the things that tends to set me apart from other aspies is that I have a good "social compass"...meaning that I have a good judgement of what to say and what not to say to others. I'm also very eager to please, and as such try to make people feel at ease around me, so I think that adds to it.

The trouble I keep having is knowing what to say or how to react when an aspie friend of mine says or does something that unintentionally hurts my feelings. I've been in this situation more times than I can count and try not to take it personally, but as someone who is wired primarily in emotions (rather than logic), it becomes tough. Really tough.

I have quite a few aspie friends and aquaintances who seem to do this quite a bit. One I have even affectionately nicknamed "Buzz Killington" (although I will never say this, of course) because when I'm trying to friendly and personable, he will say or do something that will make everyone feel awkward and out of that 'vibe' of friendliness. He is the generator of awkward silences...but not to discount him otherwise as he is a very intelligent, frank and honest guy...it's just that sometimes that side of him can be his biggest downfall.

Just yesterday, an aspie aquaintance of mine was feeling discouraged about herself and decided to post her feelings as a facebook status. She went so far to say that she was a "waste of oxygen". Being a very empathic person and realizing that she needed a bit of support, I told her in honesty that she was a great person and that she was fun to be around. Her response: "But you're never around me, Anneurysm". What the heck? I am trying to give her some encouragement and she doesn't say thank you, or even an "I'm hanging in there " she just takes a jab at the fact that she chooses not to have a social life even though I've offered to hang out with her. It's an equivalent of a jab to the side. No wonder she doesn't have any friends.

Sorry if I'm ranting...but I'm realizing little by little that maybe I'm much too compassionate to be an aspie. I'm the one that my friends often turn to for support and encouragement because I'm very in touch with my intuition and emotions. The question is: how can I better understand and deal with people who don't speak that language? And how should I react if I am unintentionally offended?

It seems to me that your friend's reaction was grounded more in depression than in AS.

If a person is depressed, and someone seeks to comfort them, their first reaction may be to reject the comfort, or somehow to invalidate it, in order to give freer rein to their depression. An Aspie might do this from the logical, "but you're never around me," approach, whereas an NT might say, "don't say things that you don't mean."

As for being offended by her reaction, I think it's fair to say, "I am trying to help. If you don't want it right now, just say so, and I will go away. Let me know when I can help." You can retreat, let your reaction subside, and then leave it to her to make the approach when she is more receptive.

I think that emotions are ultimately logical (and if they're not, it's just because of broken logic, and the emotion would change if the person having it saw the disconnect in their logic) so maybe what you need to do is find the logic in your and others' emotions in order to bridge the gap between you and your friends. That way you could offer logical solutions to emotional problems.
Like with your friend yesterday.. you just explained right here that you know what the problem is. I bet if you explain it to her in a logical (but friendly) way with all the facts out in the open, you could really help her see what her problems are and what she might do to change her actions for a more desirable outcome. (Like making and keeping more friends.)

Yeah, she probably doesn't realize she has difficulty knowing what to say and what not to say to people. She thinks she has good judgment. Oh the irony of being an aspie. We don't always realize our difficulties.

*Double post*

Mayhap that would be a good time to tell your friend that you'd like to spend some time with her...

I'm having a similar reaction to the one that your friend is having concerning a woman I'd asked out recently. She politely declined, using the standard "I hope we can still be friends" line. On some level, I know that this reaction is meant to indicate a "no hard feelings" attitude (ie. I don't find you disgusting, but I'm not interested in going out). On another level, it seems rather goofy to me, as the woman and I aren't much in the way of friends to begin with. So to say that we might "still be friends" seems a vast overstatement. (Mind you, I'm not about to say this to her, but...)

It's probably just that she is heavily logic oriented and literal rather than emotion oriented. Someone more emotion oriented would feel happy that she'd just got a compliment, but with her wiring, she just saw an illogical statement.

First of all, you should not get offended because I am 100 percent sure she did not mean to offend you. Secondly, tell her why what she did offended you. Explain your feelings to her in as much detail as possible. Also, tell her that what you said in that comment was genuine. Maybe she feels that you don't spend enough time with her. I also had that feeling when I had a friend at school; I sort of had that feeling that because she wasn't spending all of her time with me, she wasn't a genuine friend. Because people always used to talk behind my back and used to be dishonest to me, I now have huge trust issues. Maybe she feels the same way.

Yeah. What she said.

I can definitely see some side of your friend's perspective on the deal. In quite a few of the online fora that I participate in, invariably there's someone who will drop out for a while. And invariably there will be someone else that will ask where they've been or if anyone knows how they're doing. There was one particular forum where this would irk me to no end, because if one clicked on the missing user's username, one could send an email to their off-site email account. It always just struck me as odd that people that were ostensibly so concerned about how someone was doing would not take the trouble to ask that person themselves.

I recently worked out I sit more on the borderline between having AS and having traits so I can relate.

A couple of men from around the local area here (with AS), just seem to constantly come out with insults to either the person they are with, or others, and it is just easier not to be around people like that. I know they don't realise some or all of what they are saying.

At the end of the day we all have to look after our own wellbeing, so people who find that they don't like others emotions won't surround themselves with people who do and the reverse is true. If you are more emotional, than those friends, maybe it's time to meet some other people as well, to balance your life out.