Normalcy, Responsibility, and Maturity.

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I need help. I need advice. I need...guidance. I am at a loss. How does one achieve normalcy by societies standards? I need that. Normalcy. I am so...very tired of people telling that I am weird. I don't think I can deal with it much longer. I am barely dealing with it now. At least, not in any mature manner. I yell, I scream...attempt to hurl insults. I just want to be like everyone else. I just don't know how to do that.

I know that at my age I should no longer behave like an immature little kid. I know that I should be responsible, but apparently responsibility is not my forte. So, I am asking you, members of Wrong Planet, for help. How does one become more responsible?

As I have mentioned, my maturity is lacking. I don't know what it is that I do that is so very immature, but clearly do it a lot. I need to find a way to at least APPEAR mature so that maybe people will stop jumping all over me. So that I may be taken seriously. So that I can attend the college of my choice (that I got into) without feeling guilty. So that people will believe that I am CAPABLE of going to that university.

Thank you in advance.

I just try to keep away from "normal" people.

There's no doubt a lot of tricks that can be done to appear normal, but I just don't feel comfortable using them. I don't want to have to live my life out behind a mask that doesn't even fit, I want to be me. I'd rather hang about with other odd people - they don't seem to notice that I'm strange.

I've also often reflected that it's only possible to seem weird if the surrounding population is fairly homogenous - if I stick to multi-cultural environments, they have less in common that they might use to identify me as the odd one out.

Responsibility is something else - I don't think it's necessarily all that normal to be responsible. To me responsibility is about trying to minimise any harm I might do, and helping out when I can see a way to do that.

I think the only way for you to become "normal" is to appear as mature as you can possibly be. When I'm my mature self, people come to me to seek advice and guidance, because I have a lot of insight into certain things. When I laugh, joke, become hyperactive, and make random comments, people start seeing me as weird and immature. It's better to stick to the logical path. Also, watch your AS traits. Every time you catch yourself doing something that you know is an AS trait, then stop. If, say, you are bothered by some sensory stimuli or feel like you don't understand a situation you're in, it's better not to get involved in it. And whenever you need help/assistance, it's more normal to explain what it is that is bothering you than to ignore it and suffer as a result. Control yourself, and always think rationally. Don't give in to fear or anxiety.

It's not as easy as it sounds.

Oh, and also. To be able to handle more responsibilites, you have to stay organized. The best way to do that is to write down everything you have to do on a given day. Plan ahead, stick to a schedule at home, but once you get outside of your home, you have to learn to be flexible. At home, you can goof off, be immature, and do whatever you want. That's where you can relax and release your emotional energy.

> I know that at my age I should no longer behave like an immature little kid. I know that I should be responsible, but apparently responsibility is not my forte. So, I am asking you, members of Wrong Planet, for help. How does one become more responsible?

How do you define responsibility? From what you described, a big problem is emotional self management. There are books on emotional intelligence or emotional skills that might be helpful to look at. A giant first step is just pausing instead of reacting. The old count to ten, to give yourself time to choose how you are going to respond. Outbursts are not helpful. I feel so much better when I make better choices.

I'm twice the age of most people who posted so far in this thread, but I still face the same issues at times. I agree it's not easy or satisfying to live behind a mask, but neither does it feel good to reap the consequences of a lot of weird or immature behaviour.

Emotional self management can be seen as a form of responsibility to yourself and to others. It treats everyone with more respect. Makes everyone feel better in the long run. An essential part of growing up.

You're trying to be who you're not, and it's hurting you.

You have Asperger's. You will never be normal. That is a fact, but it is not a tragedy. Normal is one of many equally valid ways of living.

The solution isn't to make yourself into the person you think other people want you to be; it's to accept yourself and realize that the people with the problems are the people who treat you badly because you are not normal.

Don't try to be "normal". People have had nervous breakdowns from wearing a mask for years, keeping on alert every moment for fear it should slip, unable to ever relax. I know, because I had one myself. The better solution is to treat people with respect, learn to communicate, and ignore anyone who believes that you have to be normal to be acceptable.

Don't chase a nebulous goal like "maturity". Focus on the skills you need to learn. For example, "I need to learn how to shop for and cook my own food," or, "I need to learn to predict meltdowns." Define your goal, and you can go about learning it in small, logical steps.

You care way too much about what other people think of you. Other people are not magical, omniscient creatures you know. They're just people, like you are. Don't let other people decide for you if you are good enough.

Something that helped me immensely in learning how to manage my own moods was that during four years, I helped out my grandma who has osteoporosis and wants to live in her own home to the end inspite of her bones breaking every couple of months from some ordinary movement. Just having to take the responsibility and being able to see all the things I was able to do to help her - to see what I was able to do, and she wasn't any more, just because of her illness, and at the same time seeing her fight to live a life she deemed worth living made me change in the way I deal with everyday situations with other people.

@Blackcat
I don't get your point sorry.
I think that your are giving society the opportunity to "change" you. Don't do it. It's the worst thing you can do to yourself, I can assure you from personal experience. I know it hurts sometimes to be seen as a child, I had/have the same problem and my wife (also AS) had it more, expecially when it comes to important things like buying car/house, going to doctor for our child (they usually give us something like 10 years less and talk to us like adolescents and the most entrateining things is that both of us have gifted level IQ...).

But.. I think that the best way to live is:

- Have a goal
- Find a way toward the goal

Maturity IS NOT a goal.

Going to university IS a goal.

Maturity (as used by the average guy) has nothing to do with going to the university, so, what is your goal? What makes you thing that you can't achiev it?
My guess is that your parents things you are not mature enough for university. Well tell them that you have 18 y old, it's no longer their occupation to decide about your life. How do you do at school?

Intelligent people will judge you from your ability and not from your way of living, stupid people... well I don't care, but yes sometimes is important to put a mask for them but the most important things is not letting the mask to became an habitat.

I'd rather die then not be me

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate them.

What Callista said.

If you must well try "wearing a mask". When you are in public or a social setting where the "normal mask". When with close friends or in your small social group or alone take the mask off and be yourself.

No matter what it will always be tiring though with practice you can keep it up longer.

Also with the mask idea, you don't have to act normal, rather just try avoiding doing the obvious "weird" things. The idea is to fit in or at least not come off as weird, rather than to be a socialite.

Of course outside of high school being weird can be acceptable. As other shave said here you could just act yourself and ignore others. You may find people you can relate to that way