The value of self-deception

Post Reply New Topic

I listened to an interesting Radiolab podcast a while ago, which had a segment at the end about self-deception that really struck a chord with me. They talked briefly about how "lying" to yourself, consciously or unconsciously, can increase your chances of happiness and success in life. For example, athletes are driven to achieve more when they believe they're the best and "know" they'll win, while an inflated sense of self-worth can lead to success in the business world, and so on. This seems especially true in western culture, where the moral of every kids' TV show is "Believe in yourself", and the only way to compete in job interviews is to exaggerate your strengths - because that's what everyone else is doing. A big ego is valued as a strength, while modesty is almost seen as a weakness.

I've always hated this kind of falseness, preferring instead to try to maintain a realistic view of the world, and I'm sure a lot of others here are the same. I pride myself on being honest with myself and keeping an open mind. If I'm complimented, I don't feel good about it unless I feel it was genuinely earned, with the idea that earned praise is the only kind that matters. Likewise, if I'm criticised or insulted, I don't dismiss it if it was directed at something I could improve, even if it hurts to face up to it.

I'm not sure how much of that is directly connected to Aspergers, but if nothing else I think the way the disorder distances us from the rest of the world creates a tendency to look at life more objectively than most. What I want to ask, though, is:

Is it better that way? Does anyone else here think they'd be better off with a layer of self-deception to protect them from life's knocks and provide a source of motivation?

Until recently I've always felt that trying to be completely honest with myself led to a more meaningful existence, even if I had to sacrifice some happiness to do it. But now, recognising that so many others draw strength from feeling they're more unique, more interesting, more valuable than they really are, I'm beginning to feel at least some minor delusion of your worth is needed do well in life.

For me, it wasn't so much self delusion that afforded me some modicum of peace of mind, it was the knowledge that a lot of the time, I was simply unable to perceive the negative side of a thing, unless it had already happened. For instance, if I wanted to relocate to another state, I would simply set everything in motion to do so. Whereas others faced with a similar decision, might harp upon all that could go wrong, or be afraid to try something new. It would never occur to me to dwell on all that could go wrong. This, I believe is a basic naivete that is still with me. Looking back at some negative or scary occurrences in my life, I realize that a healthy cynicism might have prevented these things. Yet, I am richer for having experienced and overcome them.

Read some articles about self-worth and that an inflated sense of self-worth (like it was praised in the 80ies and 90ies) does not do anything for a person, that raising children 'to believe in their own worth' does not make them (objectively) happier, nor more successful, nor less prone to destructive behaviour.
The only thing it does is increase risk-taking behaviour.
Self-efficacy (one's perception of how likely one is to succeed at a certain task, without direct influence of self-esteem) does benefit form being moderately above the realistic level (more likely to accept challenges) to slightly below the realistic level (more likely to prepare well for eventualities), but both overblown and diminuitive levels were a hindrance to the subjects.

Maybe people who lie to themselves are happier in the short term, but not in the long term. At some point, they must face truth, or at least failure to attain that which they lied to themselves that they would get. I find the outcome of self-delusion so well-known beforehand that I can't endure how boring it is to me. I feel excruciating boredom and my brain abhors boredom. Self-delusion is the opposite of thought creativity, and my brain needs to be creating all the time.

Yes, I have heard it often, they feel as if they are a fraud and the fact is, they are. *Poof* up in smoke... for all it's really worth. Integrity goes a long way toward any true sense of self-worth.

I don't trust my own judgement of what I can and can't do very much. I have an idea of my capabilities, but I'm very open to finding it differs in reality!

i'm in a consistent state of self-awareness with a desire for self-improvement; i prefer to focus on the bad and make it good. i detest the idea of intentional delusion as a means of being happy and devote my energy to preventing myself from "seeing what i want to see" rather than what's actually there. i've stated constantly that i don't want to be happy until i improve that certain aspect that is causing me to be unhappy (i.e. weight, hair, etc.), though it's not a typical desire so people usually don't understand. i've repelled countless attempts at medication because i fear the idea of growing comfortable in my skin before i smooth out the wrinkles--those physical things, the weight and the face and the hair--that cause me grief.

figure this: if you properly teach yourself to live in a happy delusion by forcing yourself to have a cheerful disposition, you'll eventually forget about the original faults and JUST be happy. don't we all want to be happy? the truth tends to be ugly, yet i (we) attempt to fish for happiness in this awful lake of self-consciousness rather than convince myself to wear a smile. it's 100% contradictory, searching for comfort within discomfort. so why do i do it?

i don't know, honestly, i may have a fear of that delusion suddenly collapsing due to some unpredictable event and finding myself struck with shock at the person opposite me in the mirror. the REAL me, the fat, ugly self-liar. therefore, the discomfort becomes more intense than before. i smoke pot occasionally and have found myself, on several occasions, having similar meltdowns while high and questioning the truth of my appearance--have i been lying to myself when i'm sober? when i'm high, is this the real me? ugly, pudgy, and unkempt? it scares the hell out of me (and i've slowed down on the weed since i started having these episodes, of course) to reside in the unknown. i don't know if i'm living in a delusion right now, because there is a portion of my mentality that believes in happiness via delusion, possibly because it would be near impossible to otherwise function on a level beyond depression, anxiety and extreme self-hatred. it could be an involuntary defense mechanism that i constantly try to dispel.

either way, i find it difficult to accept compliments if i don't feel up to par with mr. complimenter's impression of whatever the hell it is they're complimenting. i guess it's that i'm self-centered, that i value my own narcissistic opinion of myself before my peers'. if i think i'm ugly, you sure as hell better think i'm ugly too.

it's not "pseudo self-esteem", it's legitimate self-esteem as a result of habitual, positive reinforcement. it's a sort of placebo effect--believe it and you'll make it happen, right? it might be "pseudo" self-esteem if you regularly practice up-talking yourself to boost your ego, yet are not entirely committed or convinced that you'll succeed in making yourself happy. if you look at the path to self-improvement optimistically, then it will likely happen--REAL self-esteem.

i simply disagree with the notion in that i don't like it; it's not for me. i'm one of those people who perceive these methods pessimistically, who harbors deep, dark doubts in my ability to succeed and to retain that sense of self-worth. it's like there's a barrier... in front of another barrier. i do acknowledge the legitimacy of the method for MOST people, though.

i also can't sit comfortably with the opinion that "autistic people understand more"--we don't. we understand things DIFFERENTLY.

well, the only problem with that is without anything to really back up those words one tells oneself, it could collapse on 'em at like any second.

It's really something to teach oneself thoroughly.

I didn't really lie to myself. I started telling myself in my teens one day, "Oh everyone does this" "Oh they're having Asperger's too" "Hey if everyone can have traits of Asperger's, then so can I" "Hey they aren't doing eye contact either" and I kept on doing this as years went by and now I think I'm normal. I see apsie traits everywhere. I even started noticing traits in my parents and I noticed my little brother had traits too. I saw them in my husband just by what he said about himself. But hey it's all true, everyone does have traits from time to time and I believe my dad has lot of traits and my mom has very little and so does my brother. I never found any in my other brother. I've read that it's not uncommon of families of autistics to have a few traits. In fact I heard lot of people have traits and aren't on the spectrum.

Thinking like this boost up my self esteem about myself and now I think think I'm normal and don't care about my condition but why am I here? I don't know. Oh, special interest.

But I refuse to lie to myself about other things. I have told myself things like I hope I can do this, I hope I can do that. Not a lie.
I used to hope I would find someone and I did. Not a lie. My mom used to tell me I will find the right man and I used to wonder how would she know? Is she psychic?
When I kept reading horror stories by aspies online in groups about being fired from jobs or not being able to keep one I used to think 'I hope I can do it' and 'I hope that doesn't happen to me' and I have thought thing like "Oh he has a job, that means I can too" and "oh she's married, that means I will too" Not a lie. I knew it wasn't impossible and I wasn't going to shoot myself down because how would I know I would never get married or never have a job? I have to at least try and keep trying.

I'm always thinking positive and try to be but I notice with my husband, he's too positive and I have lost some of my trust in him. He said we wouldn't lose the baby and we did and he said he was just being positive. I was hurt and felt he lied to me. Now I can't trust him when he acts psychic. I don't want to be lied to damn it and I don't need the positive talk. We're not psychic.

Here is another thing I can't stand, "You can do it." How the heck would they know?

But so far everything my mother has told me about what will happen all came true. The husband, my own place, holding down a job, off SSI, moving away. Now to make a kid again and have it and we still don't have a house yet.