fear of showing maturity and affection?

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you know when you're a kid, you go through that thing when you're embarrassed to display affection towards your family? i haven't grown out of that phase--i'm wondering if this is common among people with AS.

there's also a big issue of being unable/refusing to show maturity due to extreme embarrassment.

i can't help but to speak in a monotone voice around my parents because i fear that my "real voice" will display too much emotion and maturity. i'm very careful of how much emotion i reveal in my manner of speech, gestures, etc. unless they're angry emotions (we fight all the time). sometimes i even feel that if there is no tension in the air between me and my father, i have to create that tension by being insolent--i have to provoke him, even though i don't enjoy having fights with him.

when i first got a part-time job i was SO scared to tell my parents because i knew they'd be proud of me, and when my mom told me that she was happy that i got a job, i almost wanted to curl up and die. recently i lost my job and have been lounging around all day, neglecting chores and leaving a mess throughout the house. it's as if i do this just so my parents will not be proud of me.

i DON'T know why i have these fears, i haven't come up with a single root cause. this has been a problem all my life. i have never had a heart-to-heart conversation with my parents--no "serious" discussions that don't consist entirely of anger and disagreement--i've never gone to them for advice regarding anything in my life and they have never offered it to me. and the thought of asking for advice is enough to make me gag. as a child i would refuse to--if not do so hesitantly, before retreating into my room in anger and embarrassment--hug or kiss my parents or other family members. i'm still like this although i'm careful not to display any sort of disgusted reaction.

on the other hand, around my friends and even strangers i don't hesitate to act kind and mature. it doesn't bother me at all.

anyone else feel similar?

Yes, yes, me too! I don't like to use big words or talk in a mature tone of voice, it's so embarrassing, I don't know whyyyy. I don't think the people who know me have any idea I have opinions about mature issues because I never show it, or I pretend my idea of those issues is really simple.
I would NEVER ask for advice, except saying, like "oh noooo, what should I doooooooo!"

It's hard to say why, but... I guess maybe it's like I got used to being a kid and the way I acted as a kid then became "ME" in my mind.. and it's like if I act mature I will be changing who I am, (that's such a weird thing to do, people don't just change who they are, right?? It feels almost like it's naughty or twisted.. I guess that sounds weird but that's how it feels in my mind.) and that would draw so much attention to me and then people would want to talk to me seriously, which I really do not want.

^yes! that's how i am too. i don't want my parents to realize that i am more mature than i come off. i guess, like you said, we don't want to grow up.

i'm fine around people who aren't in the family, though.

I gived up being a growedup years ago.

When I split up with Kerrin muy last x firgrend
then I found out that being a growedup is too hard
and I went back to wearing Pooh and Tigger, I got
big sized made and now I dont
wear growedup cloes no more.

I don't watch news or dum ol poopy sports
and I gived up beer and smoking and girlfrends
and dating and all that trash, I said poop on it
and throwed it out the window all of it, growedup
cloes and beer and sigerets and shooze and
my X th*t I was going krazee I asaid what do you care
you broke up with me and uyo don't love me anymore
so I'm going tobe a little boy again and I threw
all my growedup stuff out the window and
shooze and trousers and noozepapers and collarpins
and a pipe and everything just landed in the side yard,
I said keep the car U paid for it anyway and I
went home rapped up in a blanket and my diapers
(because I am handicapped anwway() so I said
to heck with it all.

Mom was not disapointed she just said "If that is
how you must be, that is how you must be."

I said thanks and dad was another story
I fighted with h im over who I am for 15
years until I finally said Heck it and moved
in with my brother who acepts me for who I
am, he always has and welcomed me with open
arms, and let me move in with him, I fix broken
things for him because he is better with just
doing maths on paper and in his head not fixing
busted radios and stuff like I do so I can't
afford much rent but he lets me just fix
all his broken radios and computers and door
knobs and because I fix everything he
don't have to pay very much for parts
just puts me to work and then I do it
and its done.

I still have not growed up I still have
all my touys toys here and dad still
calls and I still call him but he don't try
to tell me how to be. He just leaves me
alone and lets me live.

Actually, when I was a kid, I showed a lot of affection for my family, and not too much for my friends. And now it's the opposite.

But about maturity. I don't like to be mature. I like being a child, and the older I get, the more childish I become. It's not that I am jus acting childish, but I've realized that it's a result of fear of growing up and being on my own. So I become dependent.

I am more normal around my friends too, but I still try to keep quiet about serious things. I guess I never got used to having an opinion and maybe pissing people off with it, so I just try not to now. >_<;;

I'm always careful to not show much emotion. Though I do try to sound as mature as possible.