Being different, and are we really so different after all

Post Reply New Topic

I was asked to write a paper on Homosexuality, and same sex marriage rights for a recent Ethics class in college, and it made me think about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness in general. I would like to share some of my thoughts with you on the subject. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, nor do I suggest that anyone take this an endorsement of any kind. We each have our own sets of morals and values that we live by and that guide us. These morals and values are critical to our survival as a species and they are normally learned from our family, friends, and community. You should always follow your own judgment and not that of someone else.

Often times it is said that having Asperger's make us different somehow. It is a common misconception that people are the spectrum does not feel, show, or in some cases that we even have emotions. While the lens we view the world through may be fuzzy at times I feel that we are just as able to contemplate morality and the world around us as anyone. No matter whom you are, where you come from, your socioeconomic status, intellect, or sexual orientation we all want things we can't have. Wishing we had things that we aren't even sure we need, because we have been taught we must have them to be complete, well adjusted people.

From early childhood we are bombarded with advertising and television commercials designed to turn us into future consumers by indoctrinating us into our disposable society. Telling us what to eat, what to wear, even what to think, and even how we should feel about various social and political issues. We are constantly told through brilliantly subtle, and often very manipulative means that unless we have the latest phone, newest car, vacuum cleaner, clothes, or any number of things that we are somehow less happy then those around who do have those things. We are also taught that to think differently, or against social norms is wrong, and that those who do it should be viewed as racist, prejudice, sinful, wicked, or even mentally disturbed.

Television, movies, and magazines are filled with sexualized imagines of men and women selling, underwear, perfume, cars, and even fast food. Every woman is 5'9" and 115 pounds, and every man is 6' 2" with rock hard abs. We are being sent the message that if you buy this product that you can be like the person in the ad, or that you go actually date someone like the person in the ad. We have all heard that sex sells, but just what is it really selling us?

Does an obese woman watching a commercial of an anorexically thin woman eating a breakfast cereal designed to help you lose weight because she needs to lose a few pounds really feel good about herself after watching it? No, of course she doesn't, and that was the desired effect of the commercial, to make even the thinnest women feel fat so that she will want to go straight out and buy their product. She runs out to buy the product, and then she sits and eats it while watching the news and hearing stories that both eating disorders and obesity are at all time highs and she sits and cries alone because she feels like a failure and is too ashamed to ask for help. At times maybe she has even contemplated suicide because she is convinced no one could ever love her in her current state.

How about all the commercials filled with half naked supermodels and the one guy who is suppose to represent the stereotype of the nerd where they try to convince men that all women desire what can only be provided by their enhancement products, and that only by buying their product can that happen. They even tell us in the ad that it doesn't even matter what you have now it's not enough, they do not even bother to explain to you that it is scientifically impossible to do what they claim their product can do, and that they are not even sure the product is safe to take. Yet, this is how most advertising works, and there are trillions of dollars of consumer's cash and credit up for grabs every year.

We all have things about ourselves that we do not like and want to change. Some of these things are minor and so are debilitating; some are easy to hide, and some are like a beacon shining in the dark. Whether it is over eating, alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholic, depression or Asperger’s we all want a better life, and strive to achieve perfection. We have all bought into the myth that such a life exists and that we can have it. The myth that if we work really hard and pay our dues that we can live in Mayberry on a corner lot in the perfect house with a white picket fence, and two cars in the garage. That we can have two children and that little Johnny will be captain of the football team, and little Suzy head cheerleader. Mom will stay home and be Mary Poppins, and dad will bring home the bacon. A place where life is perfect and nothing bad ever happens to those we love.

It is the picture perfect life that we are promised every time we turn on the TV where all of lives problems can be solved in 30 minutes or less, but in reality this simply does not happen. There is no real life Dr. House to walk in and cure a chronic or terminal illness in an hour. Life is not perfect, we all regret things we have done that we wish we had not. We have all failed to do things that we wish we had. It is not always possible to go back and change or fix things, so we must accept them and move on. Contentment, peace, and tranquility are goals that everyone strives for but very few ever truly find. We are constantly told by the media and others that we can have it all, but that is not true.

Sorrow, pain, and disappointment are a part of life, it is okay to hurt and cry. Happiness cannot be found in a book, a pill, a store, or another person; it must come from within you. In a world where everyone is quick to judge others, and right and wrong is dispensed like it is a one size fits all suit from the local department store it is not always easy to find some real and lasting happiness.

We all know that life can be depressing and lonely at times especially when a child is sick or a partner suffers from an illness it can be a very isolating experience. When you don't have someone special to share your life with, or when you are not getting your wants and needs fulfilled it is hard to see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. When you feel under-appreciated, or unimportant, or when the world tells you that wanting a certain person or thing that makes you happy are immoral or wrong life can seem bleak and dark indeed, assuming that the person or desire is legal, and consensual.

It is up to us as individuals to decide for ourselves just how badly we want something. How much are you willing to do, how much are you willing to sacrifice, and how far are you willing to go to be happy. Of course how can you be happy when most of the world is telling you that everything about you is wrong? When you are constantly reminded that you are different, and that it is not acceptable to be different, yet, aren’t we all unique and don’t we pride ourselves on that fact. When people treat you like you are quite possibly incapable of even making good choices it is easy to give in to those lies and begin to believe them for yourself, even if they are not true.

Who among us has the right to force another to conform to a singular concept of right and wrong? Even the brightest theological minds cannot always agree on scriptural interpretation. Yet, all too often with a great wailing and gnashing of teeth many Christian's , and non-Christians alike claim they are being persecuted, while they wield their own beliefs like a weapon to strike down any who think, feel, or act differently than they do. Is this really what Jesus meant for us to do? I know I got on a rant, but my point is that you can't find happiness looking at the world through the eyes of others. You have to find what makes you happy, and stop feeling guilty when you find that happiness.

Maybe my views and morals are wrong or warped somehow, but to me if you want to date someone twice your age, or half your age, someone of a different race, or even the same sex then do it and hold your head up high and be proud of whom you are. Sometimes people even fall in love with someone who is married, or someone who is married falls in love with someone else. Life is not always simple and it is never just black or white. No one has to, or needs to know anyone else's personal and private business. You should not have to explain yourself, what goes on between two people in private is their business and no one else. Some people may see it as hiding something, lying, sneaking around, being in the closet, or any number of labels you can apply to it, but if the you are truly happy, and maybe even in love then it should be something to at least consider as long as both parties are adults and consent to any possible relationship. Yes there is the possibility of feelings of guilt, or the chance of being hurt, there can also be some psychological trauma involved in untraditional dating, but those are also risks that you face in any relationship. If your thoughts are causing you harm and becoming a problem in your daily life that makes things unpleasant, or unbearable for you then you should seek counseling. You should also seek help if your thoughts could be harmful to others, or could cause you legal problems.

Every choice we make has consequences, some are good, and some are bad. Everything is about choices, and actions. Life is about learning, and growing. Even a therapist cannot, and should never tell you what to do, but only suggest ways to make your life more tolerable. Often times many psychologists will try to place their own morals and values on the client, but what the therapist finds good and pleasing may not be good for the client. We are all different people, we are all at different times and place in our lives, and often want and need different things. Those wants and needs change over time, and the trick is to find someone that comes as close as possible to being in the same place that you are, and then hoping you stay in the same place for the rest of your lives. If you do not grow at the same time or in the same direction then the best that you can hope for is that your partner is capable of accepting that you are in a different place and that you can do the same for them when the time comes. Staying together for life is not always simple or easy as people want it to be, there are always dirty little secrets, and skeletons in everyone's past.

I have never judged others or questioned the choices that they have made. No one can tell someone else how to be happy or what makes them happy. People will not always like your choices or agree with them, but they are yours to make, and you have to do what feels right to you. You can't always control what your heart wants or who you fall in love with. When you truly love someone and it is real that feeling of love lasts forever even after the relationship is over, or even if it never got started in the first place. We need to learn to accept that fact and cherish those memories and be joyous because not everyone finds real love.

I know what it is like to feel alone, and like you don't belong, like no one truly cares or understands you. When everyone wants to tell you what to do, and who to be by tying to change you, and squeeze you into some mold they think everyone should fit into, and then wondering what’s wrong with you when you don't fit into that mold.

Trying to fill your life with people, places and things to fill the void you feel, but still always feeling empty inside whether you are alone or in a room full of people. Having a feeling of fear at the thought of being alone, yet finding it hard to find pleasure in being around other people. Then there are the times when you feel so down that you just want to shut yourself off from the world and make it all go away, and you don't want to see or speak to anyone. Hiding the real you and putting on a happy face so you will fit in. We are all the same deep down under the skin, Aspie’s just tend to have a harder or visible time dealing with those emotions and processing them.


I struggle sometimes and it has taken me many years to get to the place that I am, but I would not change a thing. Thank you for reading this and any comments is welcome. The information and ideas presented here are solely my personal views and opinions.

I go to the beat of my own drum, and I don't pay much attention to TV commercials, or society.

OP, you are the only person who has ever actually talked sense!

I agree with the large bulk of what's said here, and think labels that society puts on people these days is stupid, and I don't see why I should have to conform to everyone else's standards just so random strangers think positively of me. I don't give a crap what they think of me TBH, I care what I think of me.

Thank you for the input, I am a christian so I do have a religious outlook on things. However, I try to follow the example set by christ to love everyone, and while I might not like someones choices or lifestyle I love the person.

Very worthwhile post scampbell70.

For a long time after my diagnosis I liked to pretend that I wanted to be 'normal' and in some ways, I did. Fitting in and being seen to conform makes the passage of life easier, the only trouble is that for some of us on the spectrum, we simply cannot even do the pretend bit and make it work out completely.

I have had a LOT of exposure to people in the last few months, lots of things I belong to or am associated with all seemed to have their annual meetings and other kinds of gatherings just lately and I attended most of them. The result being that my desire to be neurotypical has waned. There are a lot of things about being labelled as normal that I don't want anything to do with or am simply not interested in, like having the perfect body or the right car or watching soap operas. There are also a lot of things about some kinds of people that they would see as getting along with other people - I would see them as plain dishonesty.

I don't know how different we really are, I don't think we can generalise about that, I only know that I am different enough and fortunately old enough to see that some of my differences may not make me popular and in fact, leave me ostracized at times, but from my own point of view, that is a very good thing at times.

It has often crossed my mind that we are not so different, then I do or say something that others find difficult in some way and I am brought back to the truth of my situation, I am not the same enough for some peoples liking.