How to be assertive?

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I wonder how can I break my habit of belittling my needs and feelings when they crash with other people needs. I seem to care of others too much. It hurts but I feel bad when I make other people conform to my needs or just tell them how I feel. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want them to worry about something they have no control over.

Today I went to my cousin house to teach him some math because he has an important exam tomorrow. I am tutoring him once a week since a few months already but this week I had to teach him pretty much everyday because he insisted on doing all examples in his textbook as the exam preparation.

We didn't set a specific hour but I told him I am going to be there about 2PM (I had some things to do in the city before that and I wasn't sure how much time it exactly takes) so he should be ready, he could even start doing the equations so I can check them when I get there.
I got there to his house 2:10PM. He was not home. His mom told me he went to walk his girlfriend to the bus stop.

I got angry but I let it go. I figured it isn't so bad. At least I had time to calm down a bit and eat something. The city wore me out, the weather was windy, cold and hot at the same time and the city was really noisy - all the wind, cars, trains and people around... I wasn't feeling well, one huge sensory overload. In fact I was close to a shutdown. I was replying with "mhm"s to pretty much all of my aunt questions and I was wondering how the hell I am going to stand the tutoring today if I am nearly mute. But I had no choice. His exam is tomorrow so I couldn't just say "Let's do it some other day".

He probably returned home about 3PM and went straight to his room. I was waiting all by myself in the silent room when we always study but he didn't come to see if I am there and I couldn't hear him coming home either. About 3:30PN aunt come to me, asking if my cousin can come after a TV show finishes (that was about to start) because he likes that show. I got angry again but just shrugged. I didn't feel like arguing with aunt. I understand how it feels when you cannot watch your favorite TV show - personally I wouldn't be able to study if I knew my favorite show is currently in TV so I figured my cousin must also be like this.
So I killed time by reading some old newspapers while being angry at the TV show. This one really pisses me off.

Half of my family, including my mom is into it and they refuse to talk to me (yell at me if I bother them) when it is on. It is during the only time of day I could go to a shop with my mom (shops close at 5PM and mom returns home at 3:30PM, show is aired between 3:50 and 4:50PM). But no. Mom returns home, sits by TV and yells at me about what I failed to do and she must do before her very "important TV show" starts (she never tells me what I am supposed to do in advance, she just tells me what I failed to figure out I was supposed to do before she is back from work).

He finally got there at 5PM and we studied till 9:30PM. Fortunately my shutdown disappeared as I become focused on math - one of my past special interests - although I was speaking less than I usually do when I tutor him. In the end we didn't finish all the examples he planned(it was way too much) but his mom said to him that "enough is enough" and he has to go to sleep soon or he won't be rested enough on tomorrows exam. He said "Thanks." to me and went to his room. His mom gave me a small amount of money, saying she would have to hire a professional tutor if I didn't agree to help.

I returned home at 10PM. Feeling like I wasted pretty much whole day.



How should I act if something like this comes again. I often find myself giving up to other people needs. If they ask me something I will do it and I will feel bad if I am unable to force myself to. I don't know how to say how I feel either. Well, perhaps I am just too "aware" of how other people might feel if I tell them how I feel.

Recently my friend stood me up and I had no idea how to tell her I am angry because I didn't want to hurt her, figuring she had her reasons to do so. But some people in a Internet chat encouraged me me to tell her I am angry for what she did because I have full right to be angry. So I did. And surprisingly she didn't get angry with me - instead she said she is really sorry and she is going to try her best to make up for it. I couldn't imagine this outcome. I was sure she would just tell me it couldn't be helped and I am making a big deal of nothing...

So that's probably what I should do. Just tell them how I feel. But I can't help doubting if my feelings are accurate and wondering if I won't come across as rowdy if I start complain about stuffs noone is in control of. I mean - people cannot control my feelings and neither can I so why should I tell them how I feel if they cannot fix it? Just to make them feel guilty and tell me they are sorry? It's selfish, isn't it? And I might end up feeling sorry because they are feeling sorry. Or worse - they might decide to accommodate to my needs and in that case I would be selfish for asking them to accommodate to my needs just because I get angry when they do what they need...

I've had similar problems. There's some people who are very cooperative and can help you out very easily, and there's other people who are just waiting for an excuse to start a fight. (Not really caring is more common, but doesn't lead to much, so I wouldn't worry about that).

If someone isn't combative most of the time, you usually have nothing to worry about. If they are, the only thing that works is avoiding them.

Also, I didn't know people still plan their schedules around TV. A DVR or even bittorrent would fix that.

With the story about your cousin, I can see why you were mad. I probably would have been mad, too. If it were me, I might have said it was okay that time (given the exam the next day) but that, in future, if I show up at a specific time we both agreed to and he's not there I'm not going to spend hours waiting for him -- I will wait no more than an hour and then I'll leave; If he misses out on tutoring time because he wants to do other things instead or hasn't planned his day properly, that's his problem not mine.

No, I don't think it's selfish to tell someone that you are upset if something they have done or said has hurt you or negatively affected your life. There's nothing selfish about wanting others to consider your needs and feelings in the same way that you consider theirs. (Well, maybe not exactly as much as you consider theirs -- given that you say you give too much consideration to what other people want/need/feel -- but equitable consideration, anyways.)

They may not be able to fix your upset feelings, but knowing that what they've done or said has upset you or caused problems for you may help them avoid doing the same thing again.

Also, telling people how you feel can lead to discussion that helps you understand them and their actions better (which may or may not help....when I understand why people do things that upset me, sometimes it enables me to forgive them or deal with situations better while other times it doesn't.)



I hope you can see the double-standard .....why is it selfish for you but not for them?

Making you wait from 2 to 5 was quite inconsiderate of your aunt and cousin.
I would not have waited so long for my student or my cousin, and certainly not for him to watch a tv show.
The truth is that they did have control of the situation, but they decided to inconvenience you rather than themselves.

I guess it has something to do with being raised by an abusive father. I don't want to be weak like him. It's alright for other people to be selfish like father because they cannot control themselves. I can control myself so my duty is helping them out because I am stronger than they are. I know it is messed up but I can't help thinking that if I become selfish I will be weak and my emotions will control my behavior. Therefore I will become like father and people will think of me as just as unreasonable, impulsive being as I think of my father. I don't want people to be afraid of me. I want people to see me a reliable, logical being.

Dad never considered my feelings and was always yelling and threating me to get his way so dismissing my own feelings was the only way for me to survive. My mom taught me this. She always does what she can to make dad happy and ignores my wants if they clash with father wants.

For example I love dumplings but dad considers potatoes+meat+salad as the only kind of acceptable dinner so mom never made dinner specially for me and the only time I could have dumplings for dinner was when I was at grandma house. Now I can prepare them by myself, but father still has to eat his potato+meat+salad combo prepared especially for him so its a waste to prepare 2 dinners. And since I hate potatoes I often end up without a dinner (I eat a sandwich instead) but I have to prepare potatoes for dinner anyway even if I don't eat them because "dad is going to be angry if he doesn't get potatoes for dinner and mom has no time to prepare potatoes because she has to watch her TV show".

I am not like her though - I learned to ignore some of my father stupid orders and I fight back. For example:
(Father) - Do you want some French fries?
(Me, thinking he prepared too much French fries for his supper and wants to share so the leftovers don't go to waste, I am not a fan of French fries but if there is some I won't say "No") - Sure.
(Father)- Then make them.
(Me, angry, not in mood for eating French fries anymore) - Then I don't want any.
(Father, angry monologue) - What kind of idea is it for a father to make French fries for a daughter? You should ask me if I want some, not the other way around...
(Me) <shrug> (I just stay silent and ignore him, I learned it's the best choice, if I answer anything back when he is monologuing it always turns into a huge fight and a few days of passive-aggressive behavior)
(Father, a few minutes later) - Come and get your French fries.
(Me) <surprised> (I was sure he is preparing French fries just for himself because I said I don't want any.)

I also insist on some things when I deal with my mom. For example a shop situation:
(Me, taking a bread I like.)- Let's buy this bread. I like it.
(Mom) - Dad won't eat this one.
(Me) - How do you know?
(Mom) - He doesn't like this bread.
(Me, recalling as I asked dad about this kind of bread once) - I asked him and he said doesn't mind eating this bread if there is no other bread around.
(Mom) - Alright then. But don't let it go to waste.

There is a problem though. We usually get separate ways after the bread rack and met by the cash registers. After we get home I realize my mom bought dad's favorite bread(which I neither like or dislike at first but I hate after its a few hours old because it gets dry fast).
So my bread does go on waste because dad eats his favorite bread, mom eats her diet bread and I am unable to eat my bread all by myself before it goes bad.

- I will never buy you this bread again because it always goes to waste - mom says then.

Whose fault is it? If she didn't give him a choice to his favorite bread he would eat my bread together with me and no bread would go on waste. But I am the one getting punished...

Sweet. Dad got full of himself again.

Parents were in garden, working on something. I went to the garden to warm a bit in the sun(a hard task, considering the wind is still cold and strong). Parents often tell me I spend too much time inside and are too pale so I couldn't figure they would be unhappy with me doing it. They were telling me to go to the garden a lot in the past.

I just found a sunny spot when my mom called to me:
- Give me a shover.
I was confused, wondering if she tells it to me or dad, what exactly a shovel is, if we have any and where it might be.
- What? - I answered.
- Give me a shovel. It is by the decompose bin.
I was confused enough to just go to the area and bring her the item, I didn't think what I do. It was a simple request and my mind was blank so I followed it blindly. I gave her the shovel and returned to my spot.

A while later she asked for the shovel again. Apparently she was going from one side of the garden to another with a bowl full of compost and a shovel. She couldn't take both at the same time so she wanted me to go after her with the shovel so she doesn't have to go twice. I got angry but got her the shover second time without complaining. Fortunately it was the last time.

I returned to my spot. But I couldn't stay there long. Mom figured out her favorite TV show is starting soon and become hasty.

- Water the two flowerbeds because I won't be able to finish everything before the show starts!

I got angry. What kind of flowerbeds? Where? Where is a watering can? How I am supposed to use something so hard? Last time I tried using watering can I had to fill it in just 1/3 because it was really heavy. And besides, I am in my slippers, they would get wet if I tried watering in them. And changing shoes just to water some damn flowers which I don't care a tiny bit about was way too troublesome.

I hate flowers and I hate my moms garden although she loves it, she yells at me when I want to buy some sweets but she always has enough money to buy some expensive roses to plant in the garden - and then she borrows the money I got from grandma because she has not enough money to buy meat for dad. She is holding my Christmas present money since early January(btw, how do I get the money back? When I mention it she says I should give her the money for house bills I don't pay. But I am unemployed and I have trouble finding a job. Those are the only money I have. And I need a new mobile phone because my current one's battery has trouble holding more than a few hours on a charge but I have no money to buy one).

- No. I don't want to. - I said.
- C'mon, just water them, it won't take long. - mom insisted.
- No, I won't. I'm in my slippers, they will get wet...
- f*****g s**t. You damn lazy brat! - dads voice joined in - Do nothing! Only old guys are here to do the work! Young people are for lazying around! Mother takes you to shop when you want and rides you to school when you want but you don't want to do an easy task just to help her. How ungrateful can you be? If you want to make your own rules get a f*****g job and pay for the house bills! ...

He was yelling for another half of hour. Humiliating and insulting me and even my mom (for raising "such a selfish, lazy brat" when he himself was trying to raise me the other way).
Now I am depressed. I sit in my room not planning to leave it anytime soon. I don't want to met people anymore. I'm better off by myself.
It's always like this when I go out. They will use me and yell at me if I dare to say no. I wonder if I shouldn't just kill myself or at least run away from home to live alone in a forest, with no people around. It would probably easier for everyone(except for me - I stay at home because I have my room, computer, water and food here, I wouldn't have those in a forest). Because I am such a ungrateful human. Good for nothing nuisance.

The are other people, you just got stuck with bad ones. The only thing I've found that works for that is avoiding them (easier said that done with parents, I know).

Some people have a need for conflict, and aren't happy unless they are fighting against something (usually some kind of vice, but it doesn't have to be). My father was always complaining about me being selfish (because I wouldn't do chores until he told me how he wanted them done), or plotting to overthrow his position in the family (because I didn't talk much), or being arrogant (because I sometimes asked questions). When he wasn't starting fights with me, he was complaining about atheists attacking his church, or the gay liberal agenda attacking his values, or evolutionists attacking his Bible...

There's no logic behind it, it's just angry people yelling and making themselves angrier. Not your fault. Maybe not much you can do about it, but please don't blame yourself.

I don't know how to get a job or some other means of moving out, but if you ever do manage to, it gets a lot easier to find people who are not hostile. The problem isn't with everyone, it's with only a few people.

The way that your aunt and cousin treated you was very disrespectful.

My family wasn't as crass, but like yours there were irresponsible people who dumped duties onto the responsible ones. My mother was one of the 'good ones,' but her mother was always cold to her while being warm to her two unpleasant, unhelpful sisters. My mother is now over 60 and still trying to win approval that will never come. It's hard to watch. She also offloads that hurt onto both of her kids.

The moral of the story is that if someone expects you to bend over for them but doesn't reward you (or barely rewards you), that's a warning sign. They're using you. If they also conspicuously reward people who aren't held to the same standard, then they're really using you. If you let them drag you down so that you drive off healthy friends, then you'll be stuck with them.

You might want to read about parental narcissism: http://www.wmeades.com/id211.htm

This book is sappy, but it might still be useful: http://www.amazon.com/Karyl-McBride/e/B001JS4PMG

(I'm sorry that my links are in English. Yours is excellent, by the way )

Thanks for the links. My father looks more like BPD than narcissist but indeed I share traits of a parentfied child. Except I was not hearing stuffs like "Don’t you want me to feel good?" but "Don't do that or you are going to make dad angry again.", "Stop crying because your cry makes dad angry.".



I had a meltdown since last message.
When I started crying out loud for how miserable my life is, dad yelled at me:
- You don't have any reason to cry yet. Your life is going to be way more miserable in the future with that selfish attitude of yours. People won't conform to your needs like your mother does!
I lost myself then, went to the garden and hit a tree. Ending with a finger slightly dislocated... Stupid me.

It hurts now but looks normal, is not swollen and I can move it so it should be fine. I hope it gets better by tomorrow and I won't have to see a doctor. For now I just immobilized it using a bandage. It should be enough for the first aid.

Other than that I feel better now. Mom took me to a supermarket and I was allowed to buy my favorite food. I guess a part of my bad mood was because I wasn't eating right recently. All the cousin tutoring(lasting till the evening - when even supermarkets are closed) was preventing me from visiting any shop and my mom always "fails to remember" to buy the food I like when she shops alone. I am still a picky eater so I don't eat much if there is nothing tasty in the house. Usually I deal with fathers moods way better. It has been a few months since the last time his nagging caused me a meltdown.

Does your father know about your diagnosis? His behavior is pathological. He is vulgar and appears to have a mental disorder. Why he is so irritable? Can't he just stop to be aggressive?

He knows but he denies it. He says it is "just an excuse to do nothing" and to be honest I sort of understand him. The way mom tries to tell him "it's because of Asperger, she can't help it" sounds like it was explanation for all my shortcomings - not only those Asperger related - and it cannot be helped. She overuses it ever since I got my diagnosis. No surprise he doesn't take it seriously.

But he was abusive even before my diagnosis. It was the worst when I was very little kid. He already had the personality but he was also an alcoholic and this was making things much worse because he was totally out of control. When I was 7 he got angry and my mom ended up in hospital with broken bone - he wanted to kill our dog and mom jumped in between them. After that incident he stopped drinking and got less aggressive. And he seems to get calmer and calmer as he gets older too. He still gets his "attacks" once every a few months but when I was at school he used to have "attacks" once a month or so.

We suppose he has BPD or other cluster B disorder but he is not going to met any specialist. In his opinion we imagine things and his reactions are fully justified because we are the unreasonable ones and he needs to fix us with his aggression so we "learn". He gets an "attack" every time we mention he should see a specialist. "Yeah, I am the crazy one and you are saints! You know what? I will just move out and you will see how far you get without me!"(+ the usual monologue). And of course he never does what he says. And we cannot afford kicking him out the house because mom won't be able to pay the bills by herself and she won't sell the house because she "would rather die"(as she said) than leave the garden she worked on for past 20 years.

Has he any autistic traits? What are his social skills and contacts without the home?

May I extend the title question to how to be assertive to doctors without being discriminated against/dismissed by medical personnel for being assertive? Can older members in particular (who are more likely to have experienced this perhaps) contribute some wisdom on this? How can we act in ways that make them more receptive to the message we are trying to communicate? Assertion seems to have been mostly responded to by them with a dismissive attitude.. as I am getting older and more ill, this is becoming more of a problem and often now I feel quite unsafe when I am in hospital, because they expect me to be silent except for answering the questions they want to ask - input from me is not heard.

It's "doctor-centred" practice rather than patient centered, there is no balance, and I would be surprised if this only happens in New Zealand hospitals; it is worse in some specialties than others. I find the surgeons are good, polite and interactive, quite patient centered; however treatment for cardiovascular issues has been riddled with "deaf" doctors with their own prejudices which they impose on me and who resent any input that in any way differs from or questions their presumptions, and sometimes when I am giving history as briefly as I can they are just not listening and act as if I have said nothing at all.

I am well informed about my medical issues and factual/down to earth about them, so what is the core of this problem and what is the solution? Please, I need some informed help here... Even when my adult son acts as a supporter and advocates for me (when I am too sick/exhausted to provide input) they ignore him too - though they do it in a way that is meant to "humour" him (which is patronising to an intelligent and articulate adult man).

I don't/can't use facial expressions/body language to textualise my verbal message, so is this part of the problem? I just can't do that, when verbal I can only manage the verbal stuff (which is very energy intensive for me). I don't wave my hands around or demonstrate any facial expression but a serious one (do they intrepret that as angry? It's not). What's happening? Where is it going wrong? How can I make the communication a two way effective and interactive process?

I don't know and I need to resolve this urgently. The answers to this, whatever they are, are probably also applicable to all other situations of difficulty with being assertive with positive effect.

He has a lot of casual friends and acquaintances. He seems to know nearly everyone in 30kms range - when he left car with lights turned on by a supermarket in a city 25kms away he almost instantly found an acquaintance which helped him charge the accumulator. He is also really good in dealing with officials and government members.

So I believe he got pretty good social skills. He only tends to start fights with family and close friends(which stop being his friends pretty soon after he shows them that part of him).

However he has some autistic traits. Such as insisting on routine (dinner same time everyday, only specific foods), sensitive ears (he can hear a whisper from 2 floors above, and he gets angry when someone talks or watches TV when he is trying to sleep) and apparently he used to spend 8h a day spinning a bike wheel over and over when he was little(grandma says so).
And he has 15 years older sister which seems to have Asperger(too old to be diagnosed) and is even more affected by it than me. He was pretty much raised by her because their parents were busy working and she was considered old enough to take care of him.

Last edited by Kiriae on 23 Apr 2015, 2:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have the following pinned up in my kitchen:" You get the behavior from people that you are willing to
put up with without protest: YOUR SILENCE IS CONSENT!"
Get a good book on the various techniques of assertiveness. It is great for reducing anger episodes.
Regards,
jimindigo

What are you looking to resolve?

With doctors I've found some better than others, many surgeons are awful, but without falling apart or saying no, they do try to box me in. When I've had to not be in a box I can't fit in, I go against my usual efforts to conform and be accepted and acceptable, and I think maybe normal people do that more easily. Or it makes people uncomfortable enough to back off. Does that help any? I don't find it at all easy, though, either.