Greetings everyone.
Since about 2 years ago, I decided to try my best and do all I can to overcome my personnal issues which I believed to be correlated with Asperger Syndrome. Basically, back then I didn't have a job or studied, had no friends and never dated a girl, and I was staying in my mother's basement living a lazy life playing computer, watching movies or browsing wikipedia all day.
One day I decided I had enough, and since then I've been extremely hard on myself and changed in many aspects of my life : I endured a hard physical job at minimal wage to pay my debts, returned to college getting +25% over average grades in some classes, I weight lift 4 times a week at full intensity never missing a workout, I take excellent care of my physical apperance and wardrobe, I sleep at normal hours, a play a lot loss on the computer, I try to have more "normal" interests, my apartement is always neat and clean, I always try to be nice to others and have a positive attitude towards life/society, also trying to be more social... never allowing myself a single moment of respite and always thinking about how I could become an even better person. But I still have zero friends and still never got any close to dating a girl, which were in fact the reasons I've pushed myself so hard (my eyes are filled with tears as my writing this line).
For some time living this new life I felt great and thought that all those tremendous efforts I was making will inevitably get me to find friends and a mate. But since the last few months, I realize that all the efforts I made will not help me with the terrible emptiness I feel from not being able to relate to anybody. And that is a very hard feeling to endure, I tell you : giving litteraly all efforts and energy I had to give and yet not getting a single drop of reward or recognition, and seeing everybody else fulfilling all their needs just by acting natural. Now I just feel drained of all my energy (even having difficulties to concentrate at times), and I just feel plain stupid about believing I could overcome a neurological disorder just with efforts and good intentions.
These days I always feel either sad, depressed, anxious or pissed-off. I realize today that most of the things I did were just OCDs to improve my self-image, and would still be considered odd by any NT ; I thought I was getting a bit more normal by eating very healthy food, but it took me 2 years to realize that counting every macro-nutrient in everything I eat and eating the same things 365 days a year would still be considered as odd as eating cans of chick peas all year (which I used to do).
Anyways, to make a long story short, I'm currently in this very awkward and frustrating situation where I feel everything I do is doomed to be considered odd, no matter how hard I try. I'm always putting myself at fault, which doesn't help with the anxiety at all, and I now have a really hard time enjoying life or hobbies, being too busy being in my head thinking about what I should be doing to improve my situation. Even when I watch a movie, I can't help to think what I should be saying if a girl was watching the movie with me. Whenever I do something else, I ask myself anxiously if I should be doing something else instead. In social situations, this is even worse, to the point where I analyze myself more than I talk. I also have a lack of attention, which seem to worsen with time, sometimes getting into states of mind-blankness (not to be confused with mind-blindness).
Sometimes I ask myself if I should just abandon all those efforts, and come back to my old lazy self. But then I just feel extremely depressed and frustrated that all my efforts were vain, and that my life is damned to be a stale and sterile one.
What do you think? Have you ever been in a similar situation? Maybe you have some advices that can help?
Thanks a lot for reading me.
Have a nice day.
11 Jan 2011, 1:28 am
