When did you realize you had adult AS/how did you handle it?

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I am an NT, my four year old son is not yet diagnosed (this process starts in a few weeks) with AS but he shows many of the symptoms which really make it nearly a no-brainer that he will be. My husband of 11 years is not diagnosed, but it is really quite obvious that he too is on this spectrum. After learning about AS, the struggles we've had in our marriage make so much sense now - to me. To him, there really aren't any problems and there is no need to learn anything about AS. He is obviously in complete denial about our son having AS (I know he isn't diagnosed yet but I and other professionals working with him are certain he will be) as well as the possibility that he himself is on this spectrum. I am trying to be sensitive to his feelings and it has become a big elephant in the closet here. But, as our son goes through the diagnosis process, I am concerned about how my husband will handle the news. It might help me prepare if I heard your stories of when you first found out and accepted (or didn't) that you had AS. Any suggestions you have for me about this touchy situation right now or what may happen soon will be greatly appreciated too. Right now, I plan to stay silent about it and just see how things unfold after next month's appointment.

and a burning question to those AS folks married to NT's - did finding this out significantly improve your relationship (with hard work, I imagine) or make it harder? Or no change at all?

Thank you,
BHOW

Lab Pet doesn't meet your specific qualifications but I shall try. Firstly, I was Dx'd when I was a child (HFA).

But please consider the following: If your 4 yr old son is autistic, at whatever level, then you must approach this as an Autist would, from our perspective. Autists are logical beings, not emotive. Let us assume your husband is an Aspie; I accept your reasoning and this is valid. You are a Neurotypical and therefore have an emotional complexity we cannot - please keep this in your mind!

This implies: Your husband and son will both need explicit ways of knowing. Unsure if you're aware, but Autists DO regard Neurotypicals as 'mind-readers.' We are truly mindblind, which is analogous to being blind - know this. Please explain, with gentleness and without judgment, what is happening since your husband may intellectually process the events but not have the way, or words, to 'know' the reverberations of being an Aspie and growing up in a world not designed for an Autist. Write this to him - he may prefer a written note, even an outline! I truly mean this - never 'guess' what an Aspie might be thinking. If you are unsure, please ask him. Be clear and specific with him. And gentle, gentle, gentle.

For you - well, don't bang your head on the wall! This would hurt and you probably don't need more hurt. I think education is the best key. Study up and share this material with your husband. This is the best way you can ever help your son. May I offer some advice? If your son is an Autist, be sure to not make this 'shameful' or a be secretive with your husband or son. Being autistic is hard but there are selective advantages, I promise! Please watch my video clip, posted below in my signature line. I hope this helps you understand - there is beauty in autism; a bittersweet gift.

I am certain you know autism is very genetically heritable and perhaps you are attracted to your husband since Aspie traits are of genuineness and honesty, even naivety. Autism isn't contagious, but we are addictive (ie: We may be a real pain at times, but quite endearing too). If I may quote another from Wrong Planet (sorry I do not know inhabitants name, but I am implicitly crediting you with this analogy): "You are married to Spock, not Dr. Phil." Yes - know this. And approach accordingly. Use logic, using real terms, without emotive interpretation.

Having a sense of humor will help you - a lot! Show him who/what are Autists. A book you might both like, by John Elder Robison, Look Me in the Eye. But also the real science behind autism, not what you read/watch in the media. Look at writings by Dr. Tony Attwood - he's very well-regarded.

I hope you feel better......I can never know what any given NT might be feeling. But Autist have our common denominators, and this I do know. I think Wrong Planet is a good resource for you as well - check out previous posts and investigate. Collect data. Then report back to your husband. I do hope your son is ok. If he is Dx'd remember this is not 'doomsday' - far from it! One I know, and love (Wrong Planet inhabitant, Smelena) is a Neurotypical mother - she compiled photos and excerpts from my writings to make my video clip (URL below) - watch/listen. She's said autism hasn't just effected her life but might be a beauty that is her fate. Unknown. Lab Pet doesn't know 'fate' but Smelena knows about this sort of thing. Her website: www.smelena.com

Lab Pet is lousy at advice but "Hi" to your husband and son. I hope you feel better (and please don't bang your head on the wall)! If your son is an Autist this is not 'doomsday!' From from that - this is just another development and please regard autism as another way of being (it is) and not a 'disorder' to be cured/fixed. Instead, accept, learn, and appreciate what is given. You have given evidence of being a caring wife and mother, this is apparent - your family appreciates this more than you know! Smelena is a great mother and wife too, which is precisely why it 'works' for her!

I've written before, "I have a disorder: Autism. Entropy is a state of disorder. Therefore, I am entropically favored. NTs are just jealous."

Ok - I don't have the emotion of jealousy, but I am a scientist so I know Entropy! Maybe you can post back later - Lab Pet has reason to suspect you'll fare quite well.

Here's a virtual Alaskan wildflower for you (although right now there is deep snow and ice, but pretend):

I realised a year and a half ago, aged 44. And soon after realised that my ( then 8 year old ) home-unschooling son was AS/PDD of some kind too, ( we had tried speech therapists when he was 5 but no use at all, because they said they couldn't diagnose if he wouldn't respond to their cards ).

It has helped a lot.

Me because it has helped me understand that free will does not exist, that we are all completely determined by the universe/god, and this is wonderful to know. I am generally happier, feel lighter/less burdened, since working this out, and finding out about AS was the first step in this process.

Me and my son because I no longer get so worked up about the things he can not do/has difficulty doing, often the simplest things. I've also realised that the reason I reacted so harshly sometimes to his slownesss at something was that they are often precisely the things I struggled with, and suffered as a result of when I was a child, ( the word "stupid" is engraved on my mind as the worst insult in the world ).

And it has helped me and my 55 year old NT co-parent, because he takes me somewhat less "personally" now. It is taking time to penetrate with him, ( the implications of ASness, different brainwiring, etc ), because he doesn't seem to feel the need to examine "new/novel" ideas/things to the same extent as I do, ( being an almost extraordinarily ordinary/average NT ), but from time to time he will suddenly "get" how something about me is "AS", and this very often makes him feel better, because he realises "it's" not aimed at him.

It hasn't really changed the relationship, which was already limited to co-parenting, and nothing else, and still is, but it has made both of us happier for understanding the "why"s of it. The period of learning about it was more difficult than usual though; mainly because of increased desire to leave, on my part, as if finding/working out something so important about myself provoked a need to "move" in me, ( very AS to want to move around while thinking ! ). That is over now.

My son is happier for knowing too, because he does have trouble with other children, ( aswell as varying degrees of motor, language, and executive difficulties ), and he was beginning to feel rather like a "blot", whereas now he just thinks of himself as different, and not alone in it either.
.

I am adapting minute by minute to the concept, and it's pretty hard. I think it would be much harder if this was just another label being put on me against my will. Then I might really rebel.

But hey, just ask him to take a couple of the online quizzes here and let him "do the Math". Pie charts can be quite persuasive. Also let him know you don't regard AS as a pejorative, just a fact like having blue-eyes, or being color-blind. That will probably make it easier, too.

I was diagnosed with "Mild Autism" between ages 5 and 7. I'm 41 and have known for about 3 weeks. Some things came together and I figured it out. Had a talk with my dad about all the school psychologists that used to visit me and he fessed up. My daughters seem to have it as well, althugh somewhat milder presentations.

For me it explains so much of my life. There's a lot more to digest. For my wife? To quote her..."I feel so much better now. I thought I was insane sometimes."

If your husband becomes interested in his son's diagnosis, he shoud figure it out for himself.

When I got my dx at age 36, I remember being unsure of myself. Very self-concious. Then, gradually I came to realize that nothing had actually changed, and, I could enjoy the bits of information that explained parts of my personality that I knew to be unusual or uncommon. There are probably some things I'm not aware of, too.

I don't have much to offer related to marriage, though. My husband became injured, started having chronic pain, and sought relief through drink. He left our children and me to devote his existance to anesthetizing the physical pain he is in. Very sad. He was very kind before all that. Sometimes I could say simply, "I don't understand ___" (whatever the situation was and the emotional response), he was very good at explaining different views and needs of others.

Well, best of luck with your son.

For your husband, I wouldn't push so hard with him right now. For many people in your age group growing up, to be "disabled" was to be "disgraceful". If he doesn't feel "disabled", being 'accused' of being disabled can feel like a personal insult. So if your son gets officially dx'd, then try and break it to your husband gently that this isn't something to be ashamed of.

Be prepared to encounter some defensiveness from your husband if you insist on putting your son in special ed. He might, again, take it as a personal insult (you would be implying that you believe that he is 'special').

I'm 48 and am just now coming to terms with learning about Aspergers. It is quite mind-blowing.

My (ex) husband actually first alerted me to Aspergers. He was reading an article about it and said, "This is you!" I did not pay much attention. We were married for over 19 years and I was very happy. Around his turning 49 he had a severe mid-life crisis and ran off with a deranged married woman.

My Aspieness has gotten a lot worse and much more noticeable recently which is why I finally researched it and am learning about it. Emotionally, a bomb like this has to be taken slowly and cogitated in the background for a while before willingness to confront it head-on. When one is ready it is quite liberating to study it. There are a lot of emotions then!

An adult if functioning OK probably won't be eager to learn that he is scientifically peculiar. So be very gentle and give it time. Have Tony Attwood's latest book in the house but don't push anything.

Heck, my (ex) husband was pushed over the edge, literally, by needing reading glasses. He could not accept normal aging. So imagine learning that you're a neurological freak and yes indeed those strange masses on the periphery do in fact notice that you're abnormal.

i dunno... today feels like yesterday...i just carry on as normal/usual... it's like when people asked... How does it feel to be 28? i shrug...I dunno...

I self-diagnosed in my late sixties, after a couple of years of intense reading, and self-examination. It was a huge relief -- the last piece of the puzzle to fall into place. I wish I had known when my husband was still alive and we were raising our children. I probably would have been able to compensate for many of my deficiencies and make my family's life easier. I was very fortunate in having a husband with nearly endless patience and tolerance for my strangeness.

I discovered aspergers by reading books to research what was up with my daughter. I thought she might have adhd but she turned out to have autism and learning difficulties oops.

My self discovery was through reading "the GF?CF diet for aspergers autism and ADHD" by Luke Jackson and really related to him. I went on to read Luke Jacksons "freeks geeks and asperger syndrome" and then his mother Jaquis book called "multicoloured mayhem". I highly recomend you read them especially Jaquis book as they are so good. Perhaps if your husband read some books writen by people on the spectrum (such as Luke Jackson) he might relate to trhem like I did. I found books by profesionals, spoke about people with ASD as so other and dehumanising that I did not relate to them at all and even managed to do a degree in psychology and not notice any conection so definately go for the auto biographies

good luck in such a tricky time
((hugs))

Yup. It's like a dyslexic person who's learned to read--it'll always be harder to decipher written words; but he can do it. On a bad day, it may just be too much...

I learned about AS mostly through research and from quizzing my mom. I was about 19-20 when I first figured it out; at first I was skeptical because I had the idea that autism meant the TV stereotype of a non-verbal kid rocking and having tantrums; but it turned out my mom knew when I was 11 and didn't tell me... needless to say, I was a bit miffed at that. I could have figured out why I was different much earlier, and not thought I was an immature little brat who couldn't control her temper... When I was officially diagnosed, not too long after my second hospitalization, I started getting a LOT better because I finally had an idea of how to handle my differences. I don't think I would have landed in the hospital at all if I had only known earlier on how to handle overload and sensory/event-related stress...

Anyway, for me, it was rather a happy event to have a diagnosis. I'd already been labeled with everything else in creation, and the idea of having a psychological problem wasn't new to me; and I'd already had friends with various disabilities and neurological oddities, so that wasn't particularly worrying to me, either. So the only thing left was a definition, and answers, and knowing that the problems I had were problems other people have had, too, and that people have solved them. I went from trying to get through uncharted wilderness to finding a little path that other people have walked on before me.