What to say when treated with less respect

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Whether due to my Aspie traits, my eccentric ways (making my teddy bear talk) or whatever it is that NTs pick-up on that makes one seem to have less social worth than other adults of similar age (I’m 42). I need to learn some stock phrases to deal with the disrespect and unobvious discrimination. I am well known of where I live because as a hobby I make Bearsac my teddy talk to people so people recognise me and some treat me with less respect than others. I don't think I shuld change me hobby.

I don’t want to say things that sound defensive or like a justification but things that are assertive or things that demonstrate the person’s discrimination in treating you as less worthy than other adults (something to realise their shame them perhaps). I am not really looking for witty replies (although they are welcome if they shame them in a non-aggressive way). I guess I am looking for responses that show logic and reasonableness that will get them to realise their behavior and admit they were wrong or make them feel/look foolish if they argue about it of try to disrespect me more. I guess it is iiade that they are not made to loose face unless they deserve it.

Please number the answers to the question/s you answer. Or make you own examples and suggest responses.


Examples of situations that have happened to me

(1) Someone says something to you that you feel they would not say to other adults that look about your age as they would know it is inappropriate.

(2) A person litters the floor on purpose no-one says anything. You then ‘accidently’ drop a bit of paper from you pocket or bag. Before you have a chance to pick it up someone says to you ‘I hope you are going to pick that up’ (they didn’t say anything to the other adult).

(3) Someone pushes in front of you and when you say reasonably inform them that you are in the queue and ask them to go to the back but they move when another adult tells them to get to the back. (more than the pushing in, it is the treating you like you are not worthy of listening to when they listen to the other person they might consider has social worth).


(4) The train/bus is crowded and you and other people are getting on. One of the people that got on the same time as you tells you to get off. You say ‘why should I, if you find the crowding a problem then you get of’ and they say ‘’I’ have an important job to get to’. They sneer at you when you say ‘so is mine important’. (This one happened twice to me).


‘(5) You’ have a job?!’ In amazement that the weird person is employable manner. (This has happened to me an awful lot to me by both nice and rude people - mostly nice in conversation but the rude ones in overhearing me converse with others).

- When a nice person says ‘You’ have a job?!’

- When a rude person says the above ‘You’ have a job?!’


(6) Someone plays the ‘difference card’ with you be it age/race/sexual orientation/whatever else the difference. i.e They say ‘Is it because I’m (whatever their difference is)?

Last edited by Bearsac-Debra on 06 Jan 2010, 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You have to know which battles can be won, and which will escalate into humiliation. Some battles you step away from, and eventually the boldened offender will pick another one under conditions where you CAN win.

Striking back under some conditions will make YOU look like the bad person. People who are nasty to others, they are very good at this game.

The most important skill, IMO, is KNOWING when you can strike back, and when you should let it slide. For now.

"Hey, you've got gray hair ! Isn't that early for you ? Tsk tsk." (I've had that said to me)

My reply : (smile) "Yes, you're right, it is."

They: (nothing to argue about, so they start variations on the same theme) "Man you aren't old enough for gray hair..."

I turn and walk away to greet someone else and get their positive energy instead.



Nothing you can do here. This was because already more attention was on you for being "odd". Once you learn to "pretend NT" better, people will level out their attention and your chances of being singled out will be the same as another NTs.

Yes, its sort of "neuracism" or whatever. It's not going away.


Either let it slide, or say something with really scary energy. Nothing in-between will do. Tap them on the shoulder. "Hey. Did you just cut into the line ?"
"Uh, wha. Nah."
"GET IN THE BACK OF THE LINE ! !"
"Shut up, b***h, I was here 30 minutes ago"
"CRY ME A RIVER ! GET THE f**k BACK ! !"

Can't stop now... whatever happens. I was in a similar situation once, almost got into a fight with a much larger guy. The cashier opened another line and called me there to dissolve it.



When you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

Don't be one of the last people to get on the bus, or wait for a better bus, or find a less crowded route, or avoid public transporation.

Public transportation is so for NTs.





Again, if you don't "pretend NT", and act with profound oddness, you will provoke questions of such nature, even from people who don't mean to antagonize you. People who don't learn to "act NT" will be forever judged and crippled in this way by society.


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Case-by-case basis. You should yield to an old man in a wheelchair in a bus, for instance, but you shouldn't let a woman cut in front of you because she's black.

not sure aspies are cold-hearted enough to ever master the art of being nasty, this is a battle that may be impossible to win. I always get caught off guard because I just am not *thinking this way* do not *think this way* and will never develop the ability to *think this way*. Anymore I am concerned with energy and it's impact and not creating more negative energy. I either try to be kind in response or silent. One of the best responses I have ever heard: " I am sure you mean that in the kindest way possible". You are not adding any negativity to the equation and putting the focus back on the other person. 'Putting them down' in response just adds to the negativity of the interaction. Sometimes it is possible to salvage the good feelings, and sometimes not. NT's tend to cast off negative energy without realizing the impact, because most of them are comparitively insensitive, meaning, they don't 'take in' negative energy when it is cast at them, so they don't understand that it is very wounding to some of us, and we don't have a shield against it...we seem to take it much further into our being. Rising above, being the better person, is always the best route...plus it freaking kills them to know they have been bested, which is gratifying.

My standard reply to nasty people is...

"Get nicked you petty imbicile!"

I have been sickeningly polite all my life due to terrible fear of being inappropriate........now I just let it rip.

I trust I am old enough to know who deserves a verbal lashing and who doesn't.

Sorry to the OP for my terrible answer. Honestly though, it is good to have assertive behaviours.......it will come.

Take care,

Mics

I was at the trin station with my mother buying my ticket and I haned the clerk my disability card which allows my mother to get on the train for free. The woman looked at the car, turned to my mother and said:

'How old is she?' as though I weren't there or was unable to answer the question.

so I said 'I'm 20, how old are you?'

In hindsight it wasn't the most aproprite thing to say, but I don't think I regret it.

I beg to differ, and think it was the PERFECT thing to say!

Love that saying .

Just one point about telling queue pushers off; ask them first if they pushed in (in case they actually were in line and you just missed them).... it's embaressing otherwise

I agree. I don't think you could have come up with a more withering response if you'd tried

I disagree. Nastiness CAN be learned, like anything else, provided you have the motivation to learn it. I'm 39 now, and I've developed a pretty sharp tongue over the years as a result of having to deal with constant put-downs. Nowadays if anyone's deliberately nasty to me, I'll figure out what sbuttons and be equally nasty - if not more so - back.

response: "Why didn't you say that to the other person"



I like the response the other dude said



though normally you don't have to yell out 'get in the back of the line' originally. Something as simple as "no cutting, man, to the back dude"; then let them escalate it,



Tell them "I was here first" and "My job is just as important as you, even if I don't dress like a [yuppie/businessman/insert descriptor here]"



Ignore it or say "Uh.......Yes. I have a job. You seem surprised, why", and use their responsed and so forth to pry it out of them (Their thought patterns)



please give more details as on the sentence structure.



Say no if it's not due to that. Some people are still naturally angry over seeing their family members/friends/people of their same race being strung up in trees in the Deep South parts of the USA. My grandparents still remember that, and the lack of reparations.......im getting off-topic so ill top now.

My point is people use the difference card often because they genuinely believe they've been f****d over, for certain reasons....or it's a joke.

Ah, yes. Mastering NT. I have to admit I've built a pretty impressive social database over the years to help me recognize certain patterns of NT behavior, but I have not yet mastered "speaking the language" myself.

The problem with retorts is I always think of something clever to say much later. I'm extremely witty in print because it gives me time to take the usual loops around my brain, but in speech, I'm always a minute too late. I don't argue well, especially when the pressure's on, and I am, to a point, confrontation-avoidant. Part of me has learned that logic is a pointless tool to use because when it comes to social interaction, logic is not a part of the NT social equation. It's frustrating, but I'm learning.

I had this problem for most of my life, until literally about 3 years ago I made a lot of progress. The few tricks I use are:

1) Buying time. Start looking for "universal" points in what the person is saying, or how they behave, or the general idea of what they're rambling on about. Universal = without expiration date. If you can see where they're heading generally, you can come up with a "general" reply IN ADVANCE, no matter how their sentence ends.

For instance, if they're drunk and making little sense, then you can have a "general idea" for a drunk joke and quickly wrap it up based on how they end.

"And so I told her, I h-had enough !" (short pause)
You: "You've had enough, allright" (smile) (people around you chuckle)

Or, if the person is very enthusiastic and pressuring about the topic, you can always respond with "I can see this is something you feel passionate about" while composing a real reply in your head.

2) While you're having a direct back-and-forth exchange, pretend it's taking place on an Internet forum, only at much faster pace. I noticed this helped me find better things to say, even though Internet speaking format differs from real life.

3) "Maybe later". Very useful thing to say instead of "No thank you".

I don't think I can come up with any responses right now. But I think you sound like a really neat person. When you talked about making your teddy bear talk to people, the first thing that came to mind was this bubble lady who used to hang out in Berkeley. I used to go there occasionally, and it was always a treat when the bubble lady was there. She was just an eccentric woman who stood on a corner and blew bubbles with a bubble wand. It was nice.

Of course, that was in Berkeley, CA, which is unusually tolerant of "interesting" people.

Well what I normally do now is laugh it off or play along.
The more I go along with them and "be nice" about it, I've discovered that it makes it harder for them to tease me.
Based on experience, people won't back off of you show that it offends you, but if you play along. I've also found that simply not responding or ignoring them doesn't help too much.

So if you are at a loss of something to say, then just go along with it. But don't always, then they'll think you are vulnerable.

It depends on what it is. I would need a specific example but sometimes it works to say something unsavory back to them. You need to be clever about though. The best response is one that makes that person feel worse than what they intended to make you feel.



Response: "And I hope you'll just f**k off and leave me alone." (Sorry for the swearing. This my standard response.) Then pick up the paper, give that person the finger and walk off.



If they don't listen to you the first time, then be a little more forceful about it. Push them out of the line and then tell them "excuse me, can't you see there's a queue".



I haven't been in this situation so I don't know if this will work. Here's the response I've thought of. Instead of asking "Why should I?" tell them, "Sorry, I'm getting on this bus!" If you've already given in your bus ticket, then ignore that person and find a seat. If that person sneers at you after saying that your job is also important then give them the finger. Seriously, don't let people push you around like that. You may get dirty if you wrestle with a pig as a previous poster said but you're not a soft target to jerks if you can fight back.



If a nice person asks that question, then tell him/her what you do. If that person has noticed that you're a bit different or odd, you might as well tell them that you have a mild form of autism or something to that effect. If you can behave or appear more NT, then this won't come in any case.



Just reply "Yes, I have a job." Again this won't come up if you can appear more NT in public. Just recognize and try not do the things that make seem eccentric in public. Then people won't notice. Personally, I don't really care what people think about me. Especially the ones won't ever see again.



This depends on the situation. Can be more specific? You should make allowances for people with disabilities such as helping a blind man across the road. If the situation has nothing to do with whatever their difference is, like someone pushing in front of you in a bus, then tell them " I don't care that you're (whatever their difference is), you pushed in front of me".

You know, a simple yet direct "You know, that came across as pretty rude, what you did just there." You might be surprised by how that brings folks up short. If the antagonist has one iota of self-respect or ability to self-reflect, then you should get a mumbled "sorry" and life moves on.

Also, don't ever hesitate to set boundaries. It is perfectly fine to note "Look, that's really none of your business." You are by no means obligated to be a diplomatic representative of the entire autistic population, out to educate and win over everybody out there. It'd be nice if you get a chance to do that occasionally, let's say if you confront someone over their rudeness and they genuinely express remorse, then curiosity. It's not unheard of for friendships to start this way.

It might be helpful to keep in mind that if someone expresses an interest in your behavior, that it may be due to some of their own insecurities. Maybe they have some "quirks" that they keep under wraps and are looking up to you as an example of how to be comfortable in their own skin.

Just a couple of thoughts. My best to you and Bearsac!