Problem with aspie mother

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Hi guys. I'm after advice on a particular problem here.

I'm a diagnosed aspie myself. I've been out of work a year and a half after a breakdown, diagnosis, recovery. My mum is 55, undiagnosed but I'm sure she's on the spectrum herself, she's got alot of the traits.

The issue I have with her is that she's utterly negative about everything. No matter what it is, it isn't worth doing. She finds fault with every little thing people do. Over and over, she'll rope me into helping her with something, then halfway through (whilst I've been doing most of the work) she'll declare it isn't worth it and give up. And the problem is she clearly doesn't realise she's doing it. I can't get through to her that she's driving me nuts.

The thing that's got me writing this is that I've started looking for work again and I've just found a job I think I can do. It's 20 hrs a week in the evenings. I mention this to her and immediately she's finding reasons why I shouldn't apply: eg. Anything over 16 hrs will affect my hard won disability payments. No encouragement. And I'm nervous about the idea of a job - it's been a long time and the last ones I had caused me real problems.

I've tried talking to her about how I feel about this. But it's difficult for me and she's got this awful habit of arguing about how I shouldn't feel like I do. Then I lose my temper, she get's offended and we're back to where we were.

I don't want to be too down on her, in every possible material way she helps and supports me (my dad too) but this aspect of her really hurts me and she doesn't understand.

Goodness, that sounds very hard. I also can't stand negative people and people who don't listen.

Hopefully I will be an easy aspie parent and my kid will feel cared for and loved by me and won't have problems with me.

I just continue hearing about other people and watching other people and anything I don't like about them, I make sure I won't do myself. I don't see why other people can't do that. It shocks me that she can make it that far in her life and has not noticed those other people to see a wake up call.

If I were you, I wouldn't bother telling her anymore about your life and what you have been doing. When I saw my shrink when I was 16-18, he seemed to find something wrong with it because "it wasn't part of the social rules" I quit telling him things. I got private with him. It was hard not telling him things about my life because I was forced to go to his sessions and I couldn't just sit there and not speak.

Good luck Psiri. That kind of constant negativity can be very corrosive. I hope you can keep talking about it here on WP if and when you need to and keep striving for your goals.

I am an aspie mother. Like Spokane Girl - I want to be an ASD mum who tries to keep a check on that kind of negativity. I try to be supportive of my son - I try to give him love and acceptance - and it takes a lot of effort for me at times, but it is worth it.

I dunno if this has anything to do with AS, but maybe your mom is worried about letting go of you. Moms are like that; you'll always be their little child even when you're growing up and getting more independent. Mine is forever bugging me to move home to her (or move into the assisted living place nearby) and I know I'd go nuts if I did that, so I don't. Doesn't stop her trying. A disability makes that instinct even stronger--moms hang onto typical kids way too tightly, and when the kid's disabled it gets downright ridiculous sometimes.

Working might affect your disability payments, but being able to work 20 hours a week is far from making you ineligible, since it's quite part-time. You'll earn more than you lose out of your payments. (This is my guess; state laws vary; study your own state's regulations to confirm this for yourself, just in case I am wrong.) And, in the very real eventuality that you lose the disability payments someday, you'll have some work experience to give you a chance at supporting yourself.

Go for the job! Just go for it!

If there is someone you can talk to who will big you up and make you feel good about it beforehand - maybe someone in the job centre? There are some nice people working in some of them?

If you could smile sweetly at your mum and say "I'll be okay mum" then I bet it would all be okay. Because it will. Oh it'll be an adventure and the interview will be an experience and you'll get the job and then find out that work is dull, frustrating and tough at times but it will all be okay. It might even be better than that. Things might all go much better than you even hope.

Maybe keep in your head the thought that you just got to keep calm and keep smiling and like Spokane Girl says you don't have to tell your mum things that will bug her.

Hope this helps. And come back and tell us how you get on.

I hope that things improve for you, soon. I'd hate to be in your situation.

Thanks for the sympathetic responses here. It looks like my mum's right about that particular job though. It's only a 5 month contract and working 20 hours would screw up my disability payments. If it were a permanent gig it would be different.

Dammit though, why does everything have to be so complicated? I'm not looking for a job to support myself and leave home - I've got a long term plan for that. I don't need the wages, they wouldn't be much more than the benefits I'm on. It's a confidence thing. It's an alternative to sitting round the house all day. It's a reason to get out into the world. Yet I can't do what I know is the right thing because some bureaucrat will snaffle away my safety net.

It's frustrating.

Hi I'm the mother of a newly diagnosed 3 year old and have many aspie traits myself. I have worked as a disability case manager for many years and I think I have some advise that might help you:

1. Consider volunteering - This is a nice alternative to working and will help you determine if you can sustain the level of committment necessary for holding down a job. When people are off work for extended periods of time they become ' deconditioned' meaning that their bodies and mind cannot sustain the physical, cognitive and social demands of holding down regular employment. Volunteering usually has the flexability to gradually increase your hours allowing you time to adjust.

2. When your ready to start looking for part-time work, consider going to an employment centre where they work specifically with people who have disabilities. They will be able to understand your needs better and will have better contacts in the community for jobs that are appropriate for your personal situation.

With respects to ensuring that you maintain entitlement to your diability benefits, generally I recommend the following (but you must confirm the details of your disability benefits policy or government legislation):

1. Do not exceed more than 75% of your pre-disability earnings or hours of work. Personally, I'd keep it to 50% or half time work. I'd also recommend not exceeding more than 20 hours per week when you're volunteering.
2. Ensure that ALL of your treatment providers are consistant with their reporting that you are able to return to work not more than half time. I can't stress enough how important this is. As soon as anyone treating you states that you are capable of more than this OR may be capable of more than this in the future, you run the risk of dequalifying yourself for future benefits.
3. I strongly suggest finding an disability advocate who can review your policy of the applicable legislation and explain your rights under your policy or program to you. These advocates are few and far between, maybe start looking with your local autism/aspergers community groups and/or with other disability groups in your city.

If you are consistant with the above your diability benefit should be reduced when you start working, but not eliminated (At least in my country). Work can be a great source of satisfaction, enjoyment and can increase self esteem if you find the right job. It has for me. Best of luck with your search!

Why are you worried about work effecting your disability?

Don't you want to work and not have to be on it or depend on it?

Don't you want to be independent?


Something I don't understand about people. When I was on it, I didn't like being on it and I wished I could be more successful and I wanted to save money and get off it. I had never been so happy in my life when I didn't get money from them anymore because of my full time work and I was able to save money and now I am unemployed but I have too much money in the bank to be getting money from them again. I stay frugal so I don't run out and we live on my husband's income.

I also can't work, although I dream of a time I can get back into the job market.

while waiting for a good part-time job, you could consider volunteering part-time. you can find volunteer positions in the strangest places doing all kinds of things, and you'd be getting experience that could help down the road without risking your disability status before you're ready to fly on your own.

I'm not sure how it works over there but here they deduct your wages from you check and you get less money from them when you work but you don't lost it unless you are making too much and then you get it again when you aren't working or didn't work full hours. This spring I will lose it officially (If I don't go below $2,000 in my bank account) and then after that I would have to re apply again. Luckily my husband doesn't care if I am not working unless I stop looking for work.

The thing I'm on is called Employment Support Allowance. You lose it if you work more than sixteen hours per week. I'm also studying for a degree part-time, so what I'm looking for is just a part-time job until I graduate (2 years time.) So it's a simple equation really - find a job that's under 16 hours. It shouldn't be a big deal.
What's caused me such grief is that this is the first job I've considered going for in a year. I'm unsure of myself. I mention it to my mum and all she can say is "you can't do that. Look at all the problems with it, blah blah blah..." All she does is pick fault. Then I want to shout and scream at her, which does no good because she'll start acting like a victim. It's a destructive relationship basically.
In the year before my diagnosis, I caused her a huge amount of grief - I spent a lot of time banging my head against walls for instance - so once I was diagnosed I deliberately tried to build up our relationship. It hasn't really worked though. Now she makes sarcastic comments about my head-banging. It does seem like the best thing would be to pull back a bit, to stop looking for that sort of support from her.