Dreams, Grudges and Letting Go

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I've had a couple of experiences today that have made me wonder about the idea of 'letting go'. I had a vivid dream I didn't want to wake up from followed by being reminded of an old grudge I still can't let go. I wondered if these things, which were not anomalies for me but part of a definite trend, were related to Asperger's and if any of you might be able to relate. Or explain/shed light on any of my feelings.

The dream was about many things, as they often are. This is the part that stayed with me:

I'm on a motorbike with a beautiful evil witch who is taking me back to her castle. She kidnapped me before in the past and it was awful but because I knew I couldn't avoid her I went willingly. We stop outside an electrical shop, TVs in the window. I'm talking to her as we walk to the door. As always in dreams now she inexplicably transforms - is a masculine presence - and I don't wonder how or why. She is simultaneously who she was five minutes ago and this man. Older, crabby, clever.

I say, "You remind me of House." He's bemused and picking up things in the store, weird electrical things.

I say, " I think I'm developing a bit of a crush on you. It's that older unhinged genius thing."

He laughs. He's limping. It now is House.

"What kind of pain can you have?" He asks, picks up things and examining them. He asks this the way you ask someone who is lactose intolerant what kind of cakes they can eat.

"You tell me." I say, flirting. He smiles and chooses something with wires and batteries. I know that he's choosing something to hurt me with. I know that he is still this person who kidnapped me, who I couldn't escape, who is taking me to the scary castle and I'm happy. I like him.

He takes my hand, gives it a little stroke and squeeze. It means 'I'm a terrible man but thank you.' It means, 'I'm lonely, maybe we deserve each other.' It makes me never want to leave him. He continues to hold my hand as he limps over to the counter to pay for the things he has bought to torture me with. I feel content.

I wake up.


When I woke up I was really sad. I wanted it to be real. Which is weird because a lot of the content was wholly unnice. I often dream of fictional characters and sharing emotional moments with them. I find it so hard to accept that it's now irrelevant because it never happened, and couldn't happen. I just had a beautiful experience with a made up man. My brain feels the way it would feel if it had really occurred. After a dream like that it takes me a couple of days to recover.

I then logged onto Facebook and saw that a friend had added a girl I haven't spoken to in a long time. She was childhood friend, her parents and mine were close. She was always a rival and in our teens it got worse. Her family was born-again religious and I was very 'out there', they disapproved of me on several counts and made it known. We had a fling and she told everyone at school I made it up. It was awful. Since then I've hated her. I can't let go of the feelings of shame and inadequacy every time I even hear her name. She's an artist now and she's still skinny. Her Facebook profile picture is of her in panties and a t-shirt, legs painted with words, a backdrop of red and white behind her. It's from some sort of performance art she did. It makes me want to die. It makes me hate myself intensely. No matter what I achieve - and I have achieved a lot, considering my circumstances - I always feel the same about her. I can't let go. It will take me days to recover from seeing that picture.

Is there a connection here? Not letting go of dreams, not letting go of grudges. Do any of you struggle to foget intense experiences, whether they are positive or negative, regardless of how much they really matter or impact your life?

I don't take my dreams seriously. I am always happy when bad things were just a dream.

Grudges, I try and move on. Who likes to be mad and unhappy? Those people must love it. I used to have a bad habit of holding grudges and I hated being mad at people or being upset. I try and ignore my feelings and they eventually go away.

I feel empathy towards you, because I had a similar experience with a childhood friend of mine. Like you and your former friend, we were very close as children and then became rivals as teenagers. To make a long story short, we had a falling out and never spoke to each other again, even though she was constantly on my mind and in my dreams for a long time afterwards. It's taken me around 5 years to recover from being fixated on her and hoping that she'd come back somehow.

The reason why it took me so long to let go was because there was still a part of me that didn't want to. You can only let go of something (or someone) when you are completely ready. It may take a long time, but you'll reach that point eventually. What helped me to let go was making new friends and learning to trust other people again. Maybe it would help if you made new friends too.

As for the dreaming about fictional characters thing, I admit I'm a bit envious of you. I would probably be the happiest lady in the world if I could dream about interacting with my favorite characters. I wouldn't consider it a bad thing at all, but rather a gift of sorts. Though I could understand being upset because of the realization that the interactions could never take place in reality.

I hope my post was at least somewhat helpful to you!

It's normal. I get the same effects from dreams. It affects my mood for the whole day sometimes longer.

I also have a hard time letting stuff go. I try and push it out of my mind but it keeps bothering me none the less.

Thanks guys. Nice to know at least a couple of people get it. What IdahoRose said about seeing it as a gift...I like that. I've had many of these dreams before. I suppose it is pretty special to meet the characters I love, even if it's only my brain trying to figure things out while I sleep.

Anyone else? Or is this boring?

There's been two people who've screwed me over pretty badly to the point that I had repeated nightmares about even coming across them again. With both of these people, I kept dreaming that they showed up in my life again, and they were being sugary and trying to draw me back in, and I wanted to keep resisting, but only sometimes would I succeed and stand up for myself. Even then, the dreams usually involved other people who sympathized with those people being around, who even if they said they liked me, would always side with the other person.

It sucks. People tell me to "get over it" and "move on" about people like that, and, in my way, seeing as I can never seem to really forget things, I try to. I distort the images of people like this in my mind, make them into something abstract, over-the-top, larger-than-life and hard to believe, and thus into people that I can't be afraid of anymore. I convince myself as long as I can that they don't exist, that they're not real people. But then I have one of these dreams, or someone brings them up and reminds me of them and how they really are, and I'm afraid again, because they're much more subtle, but just as evil, as how I imagine them, and no one else seems to get that.

The night that I've let go of all my grudges, back in September, I had a dream that Jesus shined a bright white light on me. I'm even listening to the music of the 80s, since that happened and enjoying the stuff.

I sometimes have this recurrent dream about a wolf or dog that runs away from everyone else and attacks if they come close, but will let me come close and stroke its fur.

That's a nice dream to have. Do you feel sad when you awake, that the special experience was unreal?

I'm supposed to be researching for my paper on feminist catharsis but I can't stop watching and reading about House. I have now found a site where a real doctor dissects every episode for medical accuracy. Oh dear god, I'll never leave the house again...

many of them I have let go of, to a certain degree: I no longer hate anyone.

I may want nothing to do with some people, but I haven't hatred for anyone.

I realize the majority of the people who f*cked me over in my life more likely did it due to peer pressure; and if there's one thing I've learned about these people, they're very, very weak-willed.

Weak-will, might I add, is something I have very, very little respect for, but I accept that many folks are like that.

I no longer despise my ex or her husband, but I'm not adding 'em on Facebook anytime soon; it's just too awkward.

I no longer despise my ex-bosses, but I still want nothing to do with them, & I'd prefer to just move on with my life.

One thing that makes dropping grudges or whatnot difficult for me is a personal thing. And that personal thing is that I'm not satisfied yet with where I am in life.

You may wonder what that has to do with anything. Well, I'm the type of person who has no issue with doing self-reflection whenever possible for constant personal improvement.

I mean....I'm where I think I should be right now, but it's not where I want to be right now.

So occasionally, thinking of these folks brings in some feelings of inadequacy or something, for whatever reason, I suppose.

I'm sure in time I'll overcome it all.

Definitely. It's very touching, that the wolf sees something in me and chooses to let me touch it, it makes me a little sad that the experience was not real.

Oh, what is that site? It sounds interesting!

I do hold grudges. Only a few days ago, my father mentioned someone, well...I knew this boy when I was in...third grade. Our mothers were friends. He used to put me down a lot because I was a girl. My father mentioned his father the other day, and...you know, I'd like to find him.

Same goes for a cousin of mine. I've hated her always. She's about six years younger. My mother used to compare me to her all the time. She's a young lady, she acts her age, etc. I'll never get along with that girl, I know. I'll never like her.

I've always hated other girls my age or younger, with a few exceptions, but those are girls my mother never knew. Another of my mom's friends, her daughter is one year younger, and she was such a bright girl. She was smarter than me, apparently. I say apparently because, oddly enough, no matter how bright she, you wouldn't believe how she ended up. Even I thought she would amount to more. I myself may not be much, but compared to her, I think I've actually done very well. I used to want to see her again, for the same reason. I don't anymore. When I found out about her again, I was able to let it go.

Grudges aren't the only thing I have a hard time letting go, either. Many things, I experience increased depression when certain soap operas end. I 'mourned' Antillano forever. I still do so for Juan del Diablo. And I miss Eduardo and Lili. Now I'm worried about Ma.Jose, Alex and Bruno. And right now, I have no clue what other one will be put in Sortilegio's time slot. I do hope it is not that disgusting remake of Corazon Salvaje. I cheered up when I see the actors again, though.

If I ever develop a grudge against someone, I will probably take it with me to the grave. I still have the grudges I developed against people as a child.