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Hello, I am new and I am 54 and just found out I have Asperger's. Having been very relieved initially, I am now feeling very guilty and upset about the people who I may have offended without realising that I have done so. I'm tempted to apologise to everyone but that is quite a lot of people. What have others done on finding out? Is it normal to worry about this, or am I worrying about nothing?

You can't apologise for who you are! Just accept yourself and what has transpired with others and move forward. I only found out I had Aspergers around 4 years ago. I'm now 51.

Hi Aspigirlus! Welcome to Wrong Planet! Check out the different forums and articles here. They are interesting and helpful. You are among friends here.

I found out about my own Asperger's just a few years ago, and I am also in my early 50s.

I've noticed over the course of my life that too many people don't understand guilt. This is something you are supposed to feel when you have chosen to do something wrong, and then regret your actions/behavior/words. If the inappropriate, or wrong things you did before were a part of your disorder, and not a deliberate wrong doing, then you don't need to feel guilt, you just need to try not to do stuff like that again.

Another misunderstood word is forgiveness. You are not supposed to forgive people while they are still being deliberately bad. If someone repents or regrets their deliberate wrong doings, then you forgive them. They have to earn the forgiveness by repenting/regretting/apologizing. If they don't earn it, then it is meaningless. Besides you are not supposed to reward deliberate bad behavior, and that's what you are doing if you forgive someone who has not repented.

Don't worry about the past, just try to develop coping methods that will help you not mess up again, and do apologize in the future when you do.

Well, I have told the people that I know and those that matter to me.... cannot believe the amount of understanding I have received! Thank you for the advice you have given me. I didn't quite do an apology as such, but by revealing who I am has meant that I can have a new start in life. I feel that I have been given a key that unlocks the rest of my life.... although there will be problems ahead, I know who I am now and I know that I don't need to apologise for being me in the future. It was quite cathartic, a new start and a clean page.

I've stopped apologizing for the way that I am, when I've started living on my own. There's no need to apologize for being the way that you are.

Actually, I just have been diagnosed and I have a problem with that. I know I have offended people but when I did I apologized. Maybe more aspies have to do that. This relates to an experience I had recently.

I went to an autism discussion group where "Phil" was the contact person. I sent him an email with some questions and then called for follow up. I wish I had not. First thing I get is: "Phil, go ahead". My parents taught me to answer a phone politely aspergers or not. So when I tried to ask questions I said "Is this a bad time" so I gave him an out. But no, he had to go off on me: I am writing 2 books/I am tired/I been up since 5 a.m./you are bothering me" but when I offered to call some other time he yelled "You called me and I have to tell you NOW". The whole conversation was very nasty mostly him talking. Worse yet, he says "People think I am rude and I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR IT!

Aspergers or no, should I have to take this abuse? Should I have hung up? No way will I ever relate to this person again but how can he have any clients (owns own business)? Now that I have a diagnosis, is it OK If I act like an ass too? Especially disturbing is why can't you people say you are sorry? I have.

"Phil" was completely out of line speaking to you that way. He may have been having a bad day or going into a meltdown, but he should apologize for his bad behavior towards you. No illness or disability of any kind, or anything else for that matter, gives anybody free range to be a rude ass to anyone else, IMO.

I've learned that there are times when you are not at fault or nobody is at fault, but an apology is expected and useful.

For example: If you accidentally step on someone's foot, you can apologize even though you did not intend to hurt them and took reasonable precautions not to step on their feet. It was an accident, and nobody is at fault; but you say "I am sorry" anyway.

So, "I'm sorry" can mean "That was unintentional, not deliberate, and I hope you take no offense."

The mistakes we make socially that result in mixed signals and miscommunication can occasionally hurt other people. Usually, of course, they just make us look stupid, but sometimes we mess up in the exact right way to be unintentionally hurtful. Those occasions are very much like accidentally stepping on someone's feet, and you can use "I'm sorry" in the same way--to tell them that you didn't intend to be hurtful.

You shouldn't apologize for your personality, your neurological atypicality, or even for your tendency to make social mistakes. Those things are part of who you are and as such are not anything to be ashamed of. However, when you do make a mistake that hurts someone, it's important to make an apology so that they know you did not intend to hurt them. Then, of course, you should take mental note of the mistake, try to figure out why it happened and why it hurt them, so that you can learn the rule involved and not make the same mistake again.

I didn't feel any guilt when I discovered I had Aspergers.

What I did feel was grief and profound sadness for me, as a young boy, whose school life (and most of my University life) was a living hell.

Similar feelings regarding my slow career progress, although this progress is now much improved over the last few years.

Maybe my lack of guilt is related to lack of empathy, but my suffering with Autism has been lifelong and daily, in stark contrast to a few inappropriate comments that I may have inflicted on a particular person.

I don't think it's really related to empathy; or anyway, I don't think it was for me. I didn't feel guilty either--I looked at it quite rationally, understanding that I couldn't have helped it, that I was responsible only for the things I actually had control over, and that things I didn't know, and didn't know I was ignorant of, weren't things I could control.

I was a bit angry that my mom hadn't gotten me any help sooner. She knew, and she didn't do anything. That frustrated me to learn.

Nowadays, I just mostly feel guilty over any wasted time, any inefficient action--anything that's not doing something world-shatteringly important. I feel like if I don't change the world I'll have wasted my life; like I'm a representative to the world of all autistic people everywhere and that if I mess up it'll tell the world that autistic people can't do this, that, and the other simply because I can't. It's not logical, but there it is.

I also think he owes you an apology. He had no excuse to act the way that he did.

Thank you all for the answers and now I am thinking about telling "Phil" that I was offended. It does not sound like he will apologize but I do not want him or other people to speak to me like that and I did not deserve it. I thought I might say something like "Please do not ever speak to me like that again" and I don't care if I never speak to him again. What I do NOT want is the excuse you people are saying: It is who he is.

I wonder how I should have handled someone yelling at me through a phone? Perhaps I should have hung up on him?

So now that I have a diagnosis can I go and be rude and nasty too? I mean, it is Who I Am.

Perhaps it is because of my parents I try not be nasty. Even though I had a stuttering problem when I was young I was not allowed to be rude. Perhaps parents today are too lazy to teach their kids?

I would simply say "Ok, have a nice day", and then hang up.


No. It is something you have. You are who you are. And clearly, you're better than that.

An alternative response to the phone call is to simply put the phone down, without hanging up.
- Leave it 10 minutes or so and then hang up

Asperger's is indeed what you have and not who you are.

If you are anything like me, being polite to someone who is being a pig/bully/(fill in the blank) is akin to lifting heavy weights
- It takes far, far more effort for us to 'be better than that' and ironically, that effort would be lost on most
- That said, don't waste your energy on this person, just avoid him and let him get on with his mission to die of misery

Aspiegirlus, that guy is a jerk. If you care about the people that want to appologize to, do it. You didn't do anything wrong on purpose but there were misunderstands AND, these are people you care and about and hopefully, they care about you. Be the better person or, extend the olive branch.

Oh, it turns out you all and I are right, I should have hung up on Phil. I just heard from him when I told him about yelling at me on the phone. Especially the parts I bolded.



My reaction is WTF? I guess I don't belong in that discussion group after all!. I hope most of you people are not like that.