Planning time alone

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I often plan to have time alone and I really look forward to it and need it. But to other people it seems like I have a "free afternoon" with "no plans".

All week, since Monday morning, I have been looking forward to being on my own this afternoon (Friday). This morning my partner suddenly said: "I forgot to tell you, I'm going for a drink after work - can you pick up my daughter?" I said yes but I got very upset and angry and I know it sounds strange now but at the time I didn't even know why I was so angry. I had a mini-meltdown and stood still in the middle of the high street and he had to walk away from me to go to work.

I phoned him soon afterwards and said I'd changed my mind and no, I didn't want to pick up his daughter. My time alone is just as important as his chance to go for a drink. This was hard for me to say, but it was the right answer.

Something similar happened a few weeks ago when I had planned to be alone on a Sunday afternoon and he suddenly decided to go and visit his sister and he was upset when I would not go with him. I said, "I wish you had asked me in advance; I have plans now." He replied, "But your plan is to sit on your own and watch TV!" - as though that didn't count as a real plan and did not deserve any respect.

I think it is ingrained in our culture that if you have a plan that involves other people then that counts as a real "prior engagement" and is respected. But if your plan is to be alone then is counts as having no plan at all!

My partner is a kind person but he slips into this way of thinking sometimes because it is so ingrained. I do, too. Even though I know how important my time alone is, I find myself slipping into the habit of dismissing it because that is the "normal" way of thinking in our society.

I have thought of a way of dealing with this and, although I haven't tested it yet, I'd like to share it with you and see if any of you do anything similar or have any advice. My idea is to invent an imaginary friend called Imogen. It won't be a lie or pretending - I and my partner will both know that Imogen is not real. When I plan to spend time alone I will say that I have planned to spend it with Imogen. Then if my partner asks me to do anything or join in any spontaneous activities, I will say, "I have planned to spend that time with Imogen, so I will have to ask her and then get back to you on that one". Then, when I have a minute to contemplate, I will "ask Imogen" (i.e. consider to myself) whether it is OK to change the plan "we" had. Just like you would with a real friend - you would wait until it was convenient to call them and then call them and check that it is OK with them if you rearrange.

I like this idea because it might help to cut through the ingrained idea that plans to be alone are not real plans, and because it will stop me from making rash decisions and force me to go away and think about it before I say yes or no.

I think this is a very clever plan! It is a shame that those of us that need more time alone have to resort to this kind of thing, but I am a practical sort of person and admire any solution which makes everyone feel ok. I am lucky that my husband has to spend regular times out of town (taking care of elderly relatives). I look forward to these times as mini-vacations when I can totally structure my activities as best fits me. I get much done and/or sometimes nothing at all (except resetting my brain). This is vital to my functioning. You need to do what works, and I think you are very creative.

Thank you for the replies!

I sometimes wonder what's the point of telling people I have AS, because they usually continue to behave as if I'd never told them, as your partner did.

I probably wouldn't invent a euphemism for needing space like you plan to, but don't let me stop you trying it - just that I doubt if it would work for me. If it's not a particularly close acquaintance, I'd probably just make up something that couldn't easily be disproved. With people closer to me, I'd be very loathe to deceive them, so I'd probably either cave in, or tell them straight that I was sorry but I needed some space. Especially in your case where the right to go and have a drink isn't exactly a life-or-death emergency. I think you did the right thing by (eventually) arguing your case.

I think it's a very good idea-- it puts your need for alone time into a frame of reference that your partner can understand. Most people don't understand that need for time during which you don't have to worry about what people think or explain yourself. When there are people around, I'm always on edge. It's tiring, as is attempting to explain and justify why it's tiring.

People tend to accuse me of sitting home doing nothing, while actually I'm just thinking a lot or reading and studying a lot of stuff...

Why do you have to get out of the house or be with someone in order for it to count as "doing something"?

It's like I've told my roommates: My right to have Nobody come over next Tuesday seems just as important as your right to have Somebody come over. But they don't view it that way.

It's like I've told my roommates: My right to have Nobody come over next Tuesday seems just as important as your right to have Somebody come over. But they don't view it that way.

So it is - hope your plan works out.

We live in the country. Work out of the home. Set aside a couple days a week as NO TRAVEL.

But our "work" does not count - no office. Our plams and needs are nothing.

Good luck

I find that I'm the same way. I'm really starting to enjoy my alone time. I'm going to plan some alone time, for the first three months of March, except for going to my clubhouse on Thursday, Friday and Sunday afternoons.