It feels very difficult ...

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...sometimes. Like now.

I'm totally exhausted.

I feel like a vibrating string, reaching towards people, then away, towards, away, towards, away, and so disgusted with myself. I'm going to work every day and I don't know how I do it. My house is a foul mess, I shout at my boyfriend and cry like a two year old.

He has a 7-year old daughter and I know she knows there is something wrong. I feel I've let her down. Her mother was in and out of hospital and someone close to her recently took his own life. She deserves better. I don't even like to go near her. I've so ashamed of being useless and bad for her.

I would really like to see a simple list of things I can do. At least that I can TRY.

This forum is great but there is so much of it.

Does anyone know where I can get some very simple advice that just says "do this" and "do that"? Maybe it won't work but it would be so comforting.

I'm sorry for bringing people down.

Have you enough money to hire someone to clean your house? Or maybe might a relative help you for a little while? You might have a little more time to relax if you had a little help. You're trying to go to work and keep a house clean and take care of your boyfriend's daughter, all at the same time--that stresses out even neurotypicals. You've every right to get some rest.

Do you see your bf's daughter frequently?

Could you explain more about how you are useless to her?

Thank you ...

Here is some more information ...

I live with my bf. His daughter is with us half the time. He does *ALL* the childcare - always has done. He would like me to "get involved" but I don't really know what that means. What I can do is make rules and boundaries and be consistent (surprise surprise, that's the one bit of parenting I can handle!) but it doesn't help because the rules just get broken and I look like the Wicked Stepmother for making the rules in the first place.

He does his share of the housework, but often I can't face doing ANY. And then the house gets a mess because he can't do all of it for both of us, not for long anyway.

I work 4 days a week - long days including commute - but with 3 days off a week, it seems crazy to pay someone to do my share of the cleaning.

I don't think I'm tired from doing too much. I think I'm tired from THINKING all the time, trying to cope.

The problem I have with the little girl is that I just can't give her anything, and I feel like I should do. I have no interest in her. I want her to go away. She reminds me of the confident, popular girls who made my life hell when I was school. There is nothing I could do for her and nothing she wants from me. My bf tells me that his daughter doesn't feel that way but I cannot understand how she could possibly think anything except that I get in the way and that she wants me out of the house. She must hear me crying and shouting. She must wonder what is happening.

I wish I had never allowed myself to go out with someone with a child. I couldn't help myself and I kept hoping it would get better. It's got worse. Now if I leave she will suffer from another 'parental' break-up.

(I don't want to leave my bf, I love him - but I feel trapped because I can't really cope with the child. Even though I don't "do" anything to "look after" her. I just can't cope with being around her and knowing that I must be influencing her and that everything she is getting from me is bad.)

His ex - her mum - has had mental difficulties. I want to be a better girlfriend that she was. I want to be the sane one. I'm not.

By the way can you recommend a book about how to cope with AS as an adult?

Have you tried making a visual list of things you need to accomplish for the day? This seems to help me and I get a satisfaction of crossing those things off my list. Start small....one or two things a day.

As far as your bf's daughter.... even though it's hard you have to keep telling yourself that she is NOT the girls you grew up with. She is a child and therefore a blank slate who has the potential to become a kind and loving adult. I'm a mother of three and I had a TON of personality conflicts with one of my children. She too reminded me of girls that picked on me in school. Sometimes I had to just keep my mouth closed and remove my emotional baggage from the situation. Easier said than done I know.

She is now 21 and we are closer now than ever. I still have to sometimes keep my mouth closed when I really want to blast her, but I know lashing out at her out of frustration will only make the situation worse.

You are not a bad person....I see you as a brave person because you're willing to admit to things that most of us try to keep hidden.

Seems like a very difficult position for you to be in. The little one must be having a really hard time coping, too.

Do you think you may have a biological reason (illness) that's contributing to your exhaustion? Or depression is another possibility. (Sorry I'm not familiar with who's who at WP yet, I don't mean to ask questions that have been answered elsewhere.)

So when you say he does all the childcare, does that mean you don't really have any one-on-one time with just you and the daughter? Would you be interested in trying something in the nature of a "girls' day out" with her?

If this is something you might want to try, I can give you a list of activities you could try, with just you & her, that my children have really enjoyed. I'll focus on the ones that didn't have me wishing I was anywhere else - like Great Adventure. Go up very very high - come down way, way too fast on something designed to scare the carp out of you - or spin until you're sick - that's Great Adventure. Noise, lights, crowds of people, lines to get on rides, etc. But the kids loved it, so we stayed all day.

I think I'll make a list anyway... I like lists. I'll be back with the list.

anomie, please look for a pm from me in the next few-ish minutes. I want to tell you something else also, but the other 1.67 billion+* people who use the internet - not so much. It'll take me a few minutes, but I'm on it now. Then, the list. Any and all of the 1.67 billion+ people will be permitted see the list. What an audience!

*number of people online as of June 2009, courtesy of wikipedia. [I know, I know, but at least it gets updated a lot, and it's convenient... The plus sign (above) is mine, though - just a guess, but I'm assuming it has gone up.]

I have been to the doctor with depression before but nothing has helped ... I think I do get depressed but that it is due to the difficulty of coping with AS, rather than a separate thing.



That's right - I don't. I don't even like being on my own in the house with her. When her dad's not there I try to get her friends to come round or I just let her play on the computer and I don't interact with her. I know it sounds terrible, but it isn't my fault. I just don't know what to do or say. It was not so bad when she was a year or so younger because we would play games like pick up sticks but she has gone off them.



That would be helpful. I have real trouble thinking of what we can do together so suggestions would be helpful!

Thanks for the pm.



Thank you! I know lots of people would not say the things I said because they are not socially acceptable. Well, I don't care! Thank you everyone - I feel more hopeful now than I did when I started the thread and that was ... what ... an hour ago?! This forum (I say it again) is truly amazing

Some of these wouldn't be good suggestions for people who don't drive or have public transportation. I guess that depends on what you can walk to.

Here are some things I've done with my kids & either enjoyed, or at least tolerated well, myself.

By the way, since you are not her "parent", you may want to brief your bf on your plans before you invite her - that way he would not be surprised, and could chime in encouragingly, so she sees that he's on board. You probably already knew that, but maybe not, if you haven't been around children very much.

Find out which upcoming or current movie she would like to see. If she watches tv, there are a lot of movie previews on tv. (I'm always hearing about a movie my kids want to see). Of course, this is a good idea only if you, yourself can handle going to a movie theater. Sometimes I can, sometimes it would really be an effort (so I don't). When the movie comes out, but not opening day (crowds) perhaps the next day - at some time all three of you are in the room (ideally) just casually invite her to go with you to see it. And then you go to the movie together, and talk about the movie on the way home in the car. Suddenly you have something in common, having just watched the same movie (and it's such a bigger impact in the theater)....

I'm still on the movie thing here bear with me please - I guess it is a bit abrupt to go from {living in the same house half the time but not really interacting with each other} for however long, to you abruptly inviting her out. Especially for someone whose life is in constant flux. The first time you might want to invite her to bring one of her friends to the movie with you & her. And don't choose a friend that you think might be a "handful" or anything - you have seen her friends, so think of someone who can sit still & quiet for two hours, has decent manners.... That's the friend you want to invite - especially your first time out.

If she's into the acquisition of new things you could take her to a store and buy her something. I wouldn't use this one too often (if I had it to do over, that is ) because it gets expensive and cluttery, if they learn to expect it. But it's a nice opening move. It could be a routine trip to get something your bf was planning to get her anyway, clothes perhaps but instead of him taking her to buy it, you take her to buy whatever (or maybe surprise her as long as it's something really cool). Then, the two of you stop for a favorite snack or meal after the purchase. In a cute place that she hasn't been before (but maybe you have been there... of course you can scope out a place beforehand to see if you were comfy with it. Perhaps your boyfriend could join you at the restaurant by prearrangement, and you all eat together & go home.

My kids are all very different from each other, but they all love to go to museums and historical re-enactment villages and all that interesting educational stuff. I mean they still love to go to them, even now (I have one in college, one in high school, one in elementary school)..... and I love those places too, as long as they aren't super crowded. So find an one of them or an interactive type museum or something of that nature - not flashy, just interesting. Natural history museum - planetarium - fancy house where a famous person used to live - the Smithsonian - that sort of thing. I wouldn't have her bring a friend to that necessarily. My kids interact w/each other at places like that, even when they just had a killer sibling fight and would ordinarily be sulking or trying to fight more. <<which means it's an experience that encourages people to interact with the person they are with...in my experience. I'd let her wander where she likes (unless she accidentally breaks a rule) and keep up with her, if she wants to walk with you she will. When I take my kids to a place like that, I just be where I can keep an eye on them at all times and they can see me b/c we all feel more secure that way. From time to time, make a comment about something that you, yourself, honestly do think is really awesome and point out something about it she may not know.

Ooops got to go, but will be back after I go do other things for however long.

I don't know about your not wanting to do housework, I think hiring a cleaning person is a great idea and if you can afford it - - it's worth the sanity.

Regarding the child, at seven years old her self-esteem is a direct reflection of parental attention. Pay attention to her = = she feels good. Don't pay attention to her = = she will not feel good.

I think the advice above on things to do with children is excellent. What are YOU interested in? Include her in something that interests you.

And now my soapbox...

I think this is despicable, to be honest. If a significant other spoke that way about my child, I would drop him immediately and without regret.

You are the adult, AS or NT. It appears you made a fully informed choice to enter a relationship with someone that has a child. I think it is morally reprehensible to purposefully adopt a situation where an innocent child is involved and a dependent, and then say you want her to go away and indulge yourself in some type of loathing of this child. She has no place to "go away"? Where precisely is she supposed to go?

I realize you are venting, but in my opinion, some of this is just "man up and get over it." Sometimes when you are the adult, and the parent you simply need to be the ADULT and the PARENT. She's there, find a way to be kind and gentle. Or, cut your losses, say goodbye and remove yourself from the vicinity of an innocent child.

I agree. Even if it is only for a month or two, it will free up some time for you to work on other things.


As for that:

Obviously, this is uncharted territory for anomie. While it is true that she is not handling it well, it is also true that she has no prior experience, nor was any "informed choice" available to her. She needs support, not approbation. When I was in my twenties, I lived with a man who had a child from his ex. I was very immature, at the time, and deeply resented this child. I understand somewhat how anomie is feeling. Also, she is obviously distressed over the way her behavior is affecting this child.

Here, the use of the words Adult and Parent imply that just because someone is legally an adult, that they are somehow fully equipped to parent as well. Anomie has just admitted that she doesn't have the resources or experience, to deal with someone else's child. She is asking for support and advice. If she were an experienced parent, it would be a different story entirely!

By "informed choice" I mean: She knew he had a child. And from her own words, knew this was a bad idea but couldn't stop herself.




I think if a person does not have the resources or experience - get them. Nobody has expertise in parenting. My son will be 5 this spring and then I will learn about a 5 year old boy - something I have zero experience with.

If you can't deal with basic kindness and compassion to children, you should not be with someone that has children. In my opinion this is a completely moral issue - - that is why many people choose to NOT have children, or NOT date someone with children. My aspie husband took about a full month to decide whether to have a first casual coffee date. During that time, he spoke to his relatives who had children, he read about it, he spent time trying to decide. He's not a perfect parent, neither am I - and he certainly wasn't perfect when we were dating. He ramped up. But when you enter a relationship with someone who has children, you are NOT just dating the person - you are entering a family unit. That is a "go - no go" decision.

The OP did not say "I'd like to be a better parent, please help me learn how". She said "I just can't give her anything.... I have no interest in her. I want her to go away. ". That's pretty clearly not someone who should be in a parenting role.

Obviously her father knows his daughter better than you do. You should listen to him, because maybe she doesn't feel that way about you. And you are wrong when you say that there's nothing you could do for her - you say that she reminds you of the popular girls at school who made your life hell so maybe you could teach her a lesson or two in tolerance towards peoples differences? At the same time, pay attention to your own teachings because I seriously doubt this girl is trying to remind you of your horrible time at school.

We've all had bad experiences in the past but having no interest in your partners child because she reminds you of them isn't the solution. Get some counseling, family therapy or something like that. You need to deal with what's happened in your life because your boyfriends daughter has done nothing wrong.

Back at whoever said the OP didn't ask for help getting to know the girl. That's how I interpreted the above.


So now that the OP knows someone thinks she's despicable, is she better equipped to get close to the child, or to figure out her next step? There's no easy place to go from here, we must always start from where we are - it's not as if she could go back and not date the guy, is it?

anomie, I'm not sure what your strengths & challenges are, & I have no idea about the little girl's. But I do know that often, a child that age is able to understand quite a bit more & deeper than one might think. If there's tension between you and her dad "behind the scenes" she's no doubt aware of it. When something's wrong at home and the child doesn't know what's going on, the default is that the child figures she's causing the problems.

There's no way that you have nothing to give this girl. It may take some trial & error, but if & when you do get closer with her, you're in a position to give her a completely unique perspective that she can not get from anyone else. It's normal for children to be wary of their parents' "new" partners, I've read that it takes five years for a new family configuration (i.e. new member, different relationships etc.) to settle into itself.

Does she have anything close to resembling a special interest? Or do you have one you could share with her?

She doesn't have to do "kid stuff". This is a child who's had a lot happen to her in a short while (after all, she's only 8 ) so she's probably on a level of worldly-wise-ness or sophistication (not the right words).

Well I'll say it this way. My child, the one who spends half the time at his dad's and has had to deal with a great deal of stress & distress in his life - he is the toughest 8-year-old I've ever met. He's hard as nails. I wouldn't have wanted that for him if he didn't need it, but he's adapted amazingly. He's very .... knowing. About me, his father, father's girlfriend. He accepts things for what they are, knows what can or can not be changed, and just .... well I really admire him.

Guess I'm trying to say, maybe she, like my son, is also "older than her age" in a way, due to similar circumstances? Possibly she might understand, if you (& her dad perhaps) (but maybe not) take it slow, but explain to her that you're having a tough time figuring out how to get to know her better & what would she suggest. That your difficulty relating to her is nothing to do with her, it's just how you're wired (as detailed as you want to go).... whatever your truth is, in a way that's open-ended and looking for solutions. Obviously, just telling her you don't like her and leaving it at that, wouldn't be the way to go.

Going to the pizza store again - no food in the house, my bad. But I'll be back later, WP is my new addiction. (OMG I said it!! !)

PS Just wanted to add that she may not be immediately receptive. Don't take it personally if she rejects your advances at first (or at least try not to let her see that you are taking it personally). It's "normal" for her to be wary - especially as you have met some time ago and haven't done it before now. Wait a bit (maybe a week? less?) & then try again with another approach.

I have a difficult time keeping my place tidy, but I do the best that I can. If it's too messy for my perfectionist mum, tough turkeys.